I think I am in Plan A. I am not sure how long to let it continue.

I discovered WH's EA (he claims only EA) when we were on a very special 25th anniversary trip and I found his passionate emails to OW.

We agreed to come home and try to work things out. My conditions were that he end A immediately and arrange for counseling; that we'd give it until the end of the year before deciding if it was hopeless.

OW is someone who works for him and others in his bulding, though he is most senior. It is a small professional office. She is (supposedly happily) married.

The last few weeks he has absoutely resisted any discussion of boundaries or cutting off contact, though he swears he has ended the romance. I discovered him hiding in the bathroom returning her page the other night. That is not the first time he has secretly contacted her-- just the first time I confronted him. Of course, there was a plausible excuse.

At that point I told him his choices had ended the marriage, and if he wanted reconciliaton, he was going to have to put himself to the task of meeting my needs in the marriage, which right now begin with honesty and affection. And that right now I am in a profound grieving process which will not end until I am convinced in my gut that A is over and never coming back, or that it isn't going to end and I am free to no longer love him.

He's trying again, but I think he will slip again.


Here is where I am. I have sincerely apologized for my failure to meet his needs. And I did fail, badly and for years, and I was oblivious to what I was doing. I have acted to change everything in my power to change, and I am doing so cheerfully and consistently. He simply says that he sees I am working really hard.

I am trying to keep communications positive. I have been writing him letters lately with memories, or other nice expressions, and those have had a huge impact on him.

The incident this weekend was a huge setback. But he has made stronger statements of wanting to be here than he has in months. Now instead of "I love you but I am not in love with you" or silence (what I got for 2 months) I get "I love you and I am really trying to fall in love with you again."

I am trying to prepare myself to separate if this A continues. It is hard. He is a good man and this behavior is utterly the last thing anyone would have expected from him. We had a peaceful marriage with litterally no outward conflict for all those years. None.

We have 3 kids. The youngest (11) has a serious mental health disability. The needs of that child have at times since the discovery been the only glue keeping us together. He will need more over the next 10 years or so. At any rate, my thinking is that he will need his dad more than his mom for those years, and I would not pursue custody in the event of a split.

In-limbo, welcome to MB. Have you exposed the A to OWH's and to WH's employer?

I am so sorry for your need to be here. Follow this site closely and please do what you are told and you read here. Exposure is the only way.

Others will give you great advice.

I just wanted to say I'm supremely impressed with your strength, your honor, and your integrity - at least as how you've presented it here.

It is a shame that your husband cannot meet you halfway (yet) by showing the same honor and integrity.

Stay strong, I think you are off to a great start in your journey of reconciliation.

Regards

Thanks for the kind welcome.

Exposure-- Not at this time. Reasons: his work environment would probably be very supportive of him-- it's a very macho culture (medicine). And he's so nice, and she's so nice, and I'd look like a lunatic.

And it would be so hurtful to our kids (2 young adults living at home who have never seen parents fight and who were raised in Christian home -- WH used to tell them they need never worry about divorce because he and I had made very serious promises to God and each other to love each other and make a family together. Now, of course, he isn't too open to any discussion of spirituality and looks on religious people as being extreme and unreasonable.)

I wish I could see some evidence of answered prayers in my own situation. It's just soooooooooo hard right now.

In limbo, you still need to expose to OWH. He deserves to know and the light of day helps to kill infidelity.

Limbo, welcome to MB. What books have you read? If I can recommend Dr. James Dobson's Love Must Be Tough if you haven't read it already. Recommended HIGHLY for your situation.

Also, Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard Harley. Will help you understand how the A happened and outline the steps needed for recovery.

I also liked "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Very concise and insightful. The book that surely warned us of the impending relapse, I just didn't believe it. There it was in black and white when I looked back later.

These books are immensely helpful, as well as everything on this site.

Exposure is an important part of Plan A. I understand your situation though.


[color:"purple"] James 1

Faith and Endurance

2Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. 3For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything.
5If you need wisdom--if you want to know what God wants you to do--ask him, and he will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking. 6But when you ask him, be sure that you really expect him to answer, for a doubtful mind is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. 7People like that should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8They can't make up their minds. They waver back and forth in everything they do.

12God blesses the people who patiently endure testing. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. 13And remember, no one who wants to do wrong should ever say, "God is tempting me." God is never tempted to do wrong, and he never tempts anyone else either. 14Temptation comes from the lure of our own evil desires. 15These evil desires lead to evil actions, and evil actions lead to death. 16So don't be misled, my dear brothers and sisters.

17Whatever is good and perfect comes to us from God above, who created all heaven's lights. Unlike them, he never changes or casts shifting shadows. 18In his goodness he chose to make us his own children by giving us his true word. And we, out of all creation, became his choice possession.
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My prayers are with you, hold on to God's unchanging hand. He will not leave you, He will not mislead you, He will not give you more than you can handle. He is there for you EVERY DAY, ALL THE TIME.
MSA

Read up all about Plan A. That is the starting point. But it also includes exposing the A to the OW's husband. That is the quickest way to end it.

Thanks again for the welcome and support.

Books-- have read all kinds of stuff; really scoured this site and got Surviving and His needs,her needs in the mail yesterday.

Exposure. I already said what I think about that, but I do have a question, since several strongly recommend doing that.
Not a question so much as interested to hear other people's exposure war stories.

I read what you are saying - you sound much like me when I was new here. I didn't want to expose. Rather, I wanted to wait until I had my financial stuff in order. In retrospect, it would have been better if I had exposed immediately. Follow the advice of people here. Exposing to OWH will be the smartest thing you ever do. When it's not a "secret" any more it ceases to be as much fun. Forget exposing at work if you don't think it will help. Expose to your closest friends and your parents. If you have grown children, expose to them, too. You will be amazed how much it helps YOU. It puts YOU in control. It's a great feeling. But it is scary, I admit. Be prepared for lots of anger. But that's okay. The anger fades after a while. And then recovery is possible. But he must be ABSOLUTELY not in touch with her for that to happen. Read, read, read. Everything on the subject. And make decisions based on solid evidence and books or counselors. We on this site try to help each other, but we are not professionals. Go to the counseling center at the top of this page and make an appointment to talk to one of the Harleys. You will be amazed how helpful they are - with practical advice to help you end the affair. You can put it on your credit card.

Been there, done that. Didn't take advice quickly enough. EXPOSE EVERYWHERE AT ONCE AND DO IT NOW. Right this minute, in fact.

ILL, before you give up the idea of exposure please read this thread exposure 101

Well, I didn't expose at work... didn't feel that was my place and H assured me it wouldn't do any good. I did tell all our friends & family, and they were very helpful & supportive to us both, having coffees and lunches with WH and trying to talk sense into him.

HOWEVER, if I HAD exposed to OWH and their boss and an involved co-worker or two, and opened up the communication? I don't know if it would have ended the A or not, but it would definitely have not allowed OW to tell her H one thing, my H another, and her boss yet another. She was such a liar, and it would have been good to nip all of that by disabling it thru open communication.

I am pretty sure that all the while she was telling my H she was pregnant (back when she was lying) and telling her boss she had cancer (a big lie to protect her job and garner sympathy when H broke it off) I'm certain these "pregnancies and cancer" would have been news to her H.

If I had to do it over again, I would have called her H and her boss.

MSA

Without exposure ... the stench will get worse ... guaranteed

the affair WILL kill your marriage

exposure is your sharpest weapon to kill the affair

affairs thrive in secrecy

numero uno

expose to the other betrayed spouse

do NOT pass go
do NOT collect $200

EXPOSE to the other spouse with NO WARNING WHATSOEVER to your husband or his little girlfriend either

protecting the affair with NON exposure puts YOUR FAMILY and YOUR CHILDREN at HIGHER risk of a broken home

OK, I read all the threads you all kindly sent me.

At the moment, things are going in the right direction. But I do not believe he has hit bottom yet.

Exposure feels like seriously out of balance behavior under the present circumstances (he is emotionally showing up for me this week, which means he is not emotionally showing up for her.) I remembered something tonight which may explain my aversion to this-- we had the "delightful" experience of being hounded by a female stalker a number of years ago.(And no, I do not think there is a chance in a million there was an A there-- she was nuts.)

Anyway, things are better this week than last week. A couple of times I told him I was really struggling wth my emotions. Once was in an email and he called me within minutes. (Out of character for me to send an email like that.) One was this morning when I woke up feeling fragile and told him so. He took extra pains to provide affection several times today.

He has started saying "I love you" again; not often, but with meaning when he says it.

These are tiny things but the man is out of his mind right now-- so I think I need to give him full credit for any genuine attempt. Oh, and he has stopped saying a lot of the babble.

So we wait, and keep on working our side of the street. Gads. Hurry.

There is no reason not to contact OWH, except that you are afraid to do it. Secrecy/ Fear=promote the A. Honesty /courage = promote the M. This equation has played itself out many, many times on this board.

Any interest, affection, promise to try in M, etc. is pretty worthless, IMHO, until he has written an NC letter?

Especially since you have not exposed and he works with OW, you are setting yourself up for a relapse.

Has he done this?

you wrote:


What is "seriously out of balance" is the affair and your husbands feelings of entitlement to have his girlfriend and his wife both adore him !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
an affair is DIShonesty personified

Let's say that your H remains on his very best behavior for ... ummmmm.... 3 weeks .... what happends when the girlfriend needs his emotional support because her H was grumpy that night? OW will call you H for support. Guaranteed. His emotional need to be admired and needed will be, once again, filled by OW .... because SHE has NO REASON NOT TO CALL your H ... because her husband is completely shielded from the fact that his wife is cheating on him.

All it takes is one little phone call from OW and your husband is re-addicted to her.

And you hold the tool in your hand that would make her calling your husband UNcomfortable for OW ... because OW's husband would be watching her like a hawk ....

and you say this ~~~> "seriously out of balance" .... except it is your opinion that exposure is not necessary that is seriously off balance!

take care

do you have copies of these emails?

post one here ... let's look at them....

I have most of the emails. They are descriptions of our dailiy actitivities and a lot of "i love you, I miss you, I want to see you again, I want to share everything with you some day." There's a discussion about how difficult it would be to sneak away for a phone call. There is no sexual talk. There is nothing derogatory or ugly about me or kids.

The awful thing about the emails is that they were at the height of the selfishness, just before discovery. Our 25th anniversary trip? Trying to keep a disabled child in tow? This is when I really start to believe in alien abductions.

Not sure what you are looking for.

something to SHOW OW's husband so he does not think you are a crazy lady with a vivid imagination

I feel for you...

My FWH was also carrying on his A during the year of our 25th anniversary....

What is keeping you from exposure after reading PEP's POST to you?

Let me offer you another viewpoint given that you describe yourself as being a Christian...

Don't you see your WH as involved in EVIL PRACTICES...He is being an EVILDOER....

EVIL THRIVES ON SHAMELESSNESS....

He and the OW need to be SHAMED through EXPOSURE...

Otherwise you are supporting their continued involvement in EVIL PRACTICES....

If you find out that your children are being "BAD", do you deny their misbehavior or do you make them suffer the consequences?