ha!

The emails were sent from his own personal email account to his own work account, to which he had given her the password, and did not contain her name. I had to figure it out from the context.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

our 25th anniversary is next year ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

and we have been in recovery for almost 10 years ... and we would have been divorced if the affair had not been quickly dismantled .... want to hear about our exposure?

I was furious with my H not only for the 2 year affair, but for having an A with his friend's wife !! I cannot be married to a man whom I do not respect ... and this A with a friend's wife put my H in the respect position lower a slug in my opinion.

So here's how I reacted when my H said "I'll do ~anything~ to keep our marriage together."

Me ~~~> "Go to a public place with me and confess the affair to OW's husband."

.... and that's what we did

how are you going to stay married to a man for whom you have lost respect?

I knew I could not ... but perhaps it is possible for you ??????

YUK!!

And so, have you copied them?

yeah "yuk"

he's pretty sneaky

***************
Exposure feels like seriously out of balance behavior under the present circumstances (he is emotionally showing up for me this week, which means he is not emotionally showing up for her.)
****************

That's a hoot! Not to downplay your feelings, but you are like many of us WS's in here! Right now, he was exposed on a small scale by you. No one really knows except him and you and that is the way he would like to keep it. So it is only a natural response (out of fear of further exposure) that he is being nice or kind to you.

Then again, how do you know he is not showing up for the OW? You don't, he is merely trying to keep peace at this point.

I agree with the others, and that is to contact the OWH! You have absolutely nothing to lose, except your marriage! And right now, it could be slipping away while you are thinking things are getting better.

Realistically, it might only take exposure to the OWH to end it because she may see the need at that point to break if off.

As for exposure at your H's workplace, you should follow through with that too! So what if it is a macho place, if as you say it involves medical, then there must be other females around and chances are, they along with those macho males will get another picture of your H. Publically, they might joke around with him, but privately, I doubt they will have much respect for him. And if the OW is working in the same place, what will she look like to all her co-workers?

At this point, your H was been playing the game. You now need to get into that game, with a plan, and get involved! Quit sitting on the sidelines as some innocent bystander! We are talking about your marriage here!

Trust me, you might feel like you are to blame and it will be embarassing to YOU if people find out, but again, what have you got to lose, that is, except your marriage?

FWIW, I too am from a strict biblical background as is my W. We never thought this would happen, but now my W is involved in a EA and won't stop. It is a very common thing in the Christian Church. I would also suggest that you get to your pastor, minister, etc. and sit down and talk to him immediately! It made, and is making a world of differnce in my situation, not to mention, your pastor/minister might just pull him aside for a little chat. I do believe there are a few Scriptures that speak of a little thing called "adultery". Your minister/pastor might have more than a passing interest in someone sitting in his church that is actively involved in adultery.

Whatever, don't try to manage this alone. You are doomed to failure! This is why exposure is so important because it brings in others for support and understanding.

p47d

So here I am, 7 months later. No real questions, just updating my story.

For 8 months I worked hard at every EN he had. Last month I caught him in contact & he admitted he had never ended EA. Over the next few days so many lies were uncovered. He did call her in my presence and end the relationship, and she immediately transferred to a different building, resulting in exposure at work. He took 2 days off work to give her time to transfer. His partners have questioned him about the relationship. I don't think anyone will risk letting them work together again.

He says he wants to stay, wants me to stay, wants to work it out. He gave me his cell phone and his pager, showed me emails, let me search his things (home and office and car), and admitted to a secret cell phone and turned that over to me.

In the process of ending EA, he lied again-- wrote her a note he did not tell me about before making the call. She got mad and left a message on his cell phone, which I had. The message led to my learning about a PA 5 years ago with someone else.

It has all been pretty devastating. The worst part is the lies-- I can't wrap my brain around them. This man is the last person on earth you'd think would engage in this insane and destructive behavior.

My current challenge is getting him to counseling. Too busy at work, ya know?

He read SAA and liked it. We agreed to do the audio course and I ordered that today. But I know it will take more than that to make the marriage a safe place for me. I will not stay if there is another round of lies or a new A.

Is it any surprise that my #1 EN is honesty?


Thanks for listening!

It sounds to me like things are looking up. I think I would ask him to write a no contact letter, and then you mail it. It should say that their relationship was a terrible mistake, that he loves you, and wants to work on the marriage, and does not want any contact with her ever again for any reason.

Chewie, you did this to her then. You lied about NC and then appeared to make you activities transparent. You took two days off work to deal with the fallout, as you plan to do this week.