After one false R - I have made my decision - if WH again starts even sarts to become his abusive old self I am outta here. I now am very aware of the sign of contact. If the behavior shows up again. I will pack my bag and go

* sound of a boundary being firmly clipped into place "

Good on you realtor !

There is peace of mind in a boundary.

Make sure your H knows, but not in a way that sounds like an ultimatum.

Did not finish - work phone call- I am writing a plan B letter to leave behind. I have made myself clear. If this happens again I am flying back home. I will do a strong Plan B and work on things for myself and security. I am aware of how his behavior changes when he has had contact. I was not sure before now I know for sure.

Plan B letter (rough draft)

Wh I am leaving to hold onto what love I have for you. I have gone thru enough with you. You had said contact was over yet it still continues. I can not live with OW in our lives. I have told you I will not share you with another. There is no room for 3 in this M. I wish for you not to call or contact me in any way. If you need to contact me call OS and he will relay any messages. I am worn out from all of this. When you have decided what you want then you may leave me a message. Until then I would ask that you do not contact me. I want to hold onto all the good times we have had and all the years together in my heart. We really always used to be such a team. I enjoyed our times together. My memories of us are precious. I wanted us to continue to grow old together. I remain your faithful wife.

OK, realtor.....I hope that this is the case...but sadly history doesn't show that this is the case with people like you who love an abusive man (whether verbal or physical).....Do you know how many times I have heard in my lifetime an abused spouse say "If He does it one more time".....maybe it will be different this time, and maybe he will "change" and get it "right" this time...I hope so for you I really do.

I am trying to be as soothing as possible b/c I know that you mentioned in another post how "harsh" I can bem and how reading my posts to are hard for you...Goodluck is all I would add.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

bump

Ph :Lempn - he never ever was abusive before his A. He was the sweetest most kind and loving man I had ever met. He is acting the same way now. So I will know wehn the A starts again. Sorry -you know I said you are right its just hard sometimes when you are so low and you hit hard. did not mean to sound harsh with you. I am really a very kind woman.

LOL, come on Realtor........you don't have to ever apologize to me...I say things that may evoke strong reactions, I can and should be able to take it. Don't worry about me, worry about you.

Take care.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

realtor - Trust that he will do the right thing. But also get your ducks in line to make any necessary move. I know how you feel. I got to the point where I didn't want to hear one more word out of WH's mouth. I'm much happier now.

I am OK now Lemon - I am a very strong woman- when I make up my mind hat is it. That is why I take a long time making my decisions because I can be so unmoving. I am a hard a$$. As I have been told all my life. I am from Boston and pretty tough. I just stick with stuff like a pit bull. I just wanted to say thank -you to you. I think I was stuck in my situation for to long. You made me see things for what they were worth. I will not be alone for ever - not young but very loving and sexy. If he doesn't want me I will never be alone. ****** my mohter at 96 yrs old still gets roses delivered to her by men and she is Boston Yankee and strick.!!! So I inherited some good jeans, If I ever want someone else?????????????????? Who knows but then again myabe this train of thought is not needed I do really love my H and hope and pray he sees what he has deon and will not cross that line again.

Oh Yeah enough thoughts for tonight sleeep well I did last night and plan on it again tonight -after so many months I need some more rest.

Realtor,

Your Plan B doesn't specify what is required of him if he wants to be with you - NC letter, counselling, etc. - just that he needs to leave a message once he's decided what he wants. JMHO, but doesn't that leave room for misinterpretation?

just wanted to add for your thoughts




Jennifer did tell me that sometimes including this in your letter "scares the spouse or makes them resentful" becuse they think you are expecting too much from them and that it's okay to wait until they express some desire and then they will be more willing to discuss steps to reconcile

I don't understand the point of telling someone who has announced a plan of action, "I don't think you'll do it". I can understand saying, "I've noticed in the past that you say you're leaving but then your H talks you out of it by doing X, Y, Z. Do you have a plan to deal with XYZ this time?" It certainly can be useful to help people understand where they have gone wrong in the past and help them problem-solve how to do differently in the future. I just don't think that saying, "I hope that this is the case...but sadly history doesn't show that this is the case with people like you who love an abusive man (whether verbal or physical)" does that. It's not a question of being harsh versus soothing. It's a question of being constructive in your criticisms versus destructive. Do you have anything constructive to tell realtor that will help her do differently this time?

I realize I did not make it clear what I want from him and do not know as of yet just what I want - end of A or a D. I am making my plans - have things set in my mind and have a place to go. I have some money coming in soon -so cash will not be a problem. I have contacted family and can arrive anytime of day or night. I have a storage area to park my vehicle -shen I decide to come back -which I will. I do plan on getting my own place and removing my things from this home - if contact starts again. Before I go I am going to meet with OW H. Then take a plane out of here. Let him deal with what he has done. He needs time to realize just what he has lost. He will loose me, his home, his pension ect. I have a carrier and plan on keeping it. I will not leave here for long. I will need to sell our two homes. Get myself situated. It is huge things I will have to do. So I will need time to rest and prepare. I will need the support of my family.
I will not put up with any form of verbal abuse ever again. I know when that starts he is in contact. I guess it had put me in a state of absolute shock. As he was always the most loving gentle person. Treated me like a queen all of these years. Everyone used to be jealous of our R. Teh this dam OW - I could choke her and him.

Best of luck Realtor,
I wish you peace and happiness in your new life, with or without your husband.

realtor,

i believe your plan B letter is supposed to be more of a love letter.

it might be a good idea to post a new thread specifically stating you want help writing a plan B letter.

it is very important that this final communication to him is very loving and inviting, at the same time as being very firm.

Ok I will start a new letter and post in new thread.. Right now FIL is here till tomorrow so it will have to wait. He is 93 and needs some attention. I will give this alot of thought. It just angers me about the renewed contact and I was not feeling very loving. Right now WH is doing all the things around the house that needed to be done for years. Says he wants me to be happy. I hope this is a good sign. He has been on strike for 3 weeks now -goes back to work on Monday. I am going to be watching him when he goes back - that is when I hope ontact does not resume.

i don't blame you for feeling angry about the additional contact. it is certainly acceptable that type of behavior is UNACCEPTABLE. stick to your boundary. i just thought if your goal is to still find a way to save the marriage, then your plan B letter is very important and worth getting some input on from the smart people here.