this is a serious question. one that bothers me. sometimes i really wonder if i should be trying to help others when i'm still trying to figure it all out.

this question stems from tiny's post.

i am not asking this question for any reason other than i truely wonder. people come here with very serious problems, i don't want to hinder anyone.

i know there are so many posters here that if i do start to give bad advice, chances are very good someone will come along and give better advice.

everyone telling tiny to immediately tell her BH is right.

i guess that thread has given me a bit of an eye openner about how BAD of an example i am in some ways. i also realize i am at times a good example.

it took me so long to confess, it really is pretty bad that I was posting here for so many months before i confessed at all.

and then it took me 7 months(7 months!!!) of additional posting here and of IC to finally confess everything.

in my defense (not that i have to defend myself), i did finally get to a point where i realized how everyday that went by without confessing was continueing the betrayal, even though the As had been long over. i finally had an urgency to confess it all. my IC at first tried to say i should wait, i was going thru so much in IC by facing so many of my demons she was afraid confessing would be too much for me. but all of a sudden i could wait not one second longer.

i still know i should feel proud of myself for finally getting there, but looking back.... it was extremely awful that i waited so long.

but back to the original question. i would love to hear especially from those here for so long, an honest answer to my question. when you read some of my posts, do you think i am a hinderance? should i stay away from trying to help others, specifically WS that are new here?

i do think a lot of my posting has resulted in some good for others at times. but...

i don't know, maybe i am just thinking about this all too much.

Since none (or few) of us are experts, it's hard to know if we help, or hurt on any given day. I have seen you help -

This is a journey, not en event. We grow.

SS

Alone, you are not an expert in the field of MC. Collectively, all of you "veterans" have wisdom beyond most MCs.

In a nutshell, you are part of a working machine that helps many.

FL I struggle with this too. WAT , Mel, and sadly missed SadFWW helped me hugely with this. I came to THESE conclusions about helping on here:

* If you speak from your experience you will ALWAYS help someone. Such is a living example of what other folks read about or are are facing for the first time.
* Advising outside your personal experience isn't usually helpful. Leave that to trained people or people who HAVE got that experience.
* "Fit your own oxygen mask before helping others fit theirs". Don't let your advice to others divert you from your own recovery.

I get enormous value from your posts FL. They are lucid, articulate, vulnerable and brutally emotive. I only wish me or someone on here had a magic word to help you.
I can only pray.

(btw no 'you too ' stuff. Thats not what this post is about;) )

Everyone has something to contribute. It's why it saddens me at times to see people get defensive at others comments. If people disagree, disagree by saying it doesn't follow Marriage Builder rules, but we don't have to attack each other. I think that is where we hurt one another. We don't have to call out each other's name in protest, we should be encouraging each other. After all we have enough mess to deal with. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Keep contributing FL and everyone else...I enjoy reading everyone's comments. Even those who challenge me. It helps me think.

sharing your own experience strength and hope is never wrong.

I've enjoyed immensly your replys to my posts. Please don't feel a hinderence. any and all help is appreciated!

FL,

Examine what you have said about your own story. Don't you think there are many many useful lessons to be learned from it? I do. You are indeed a great help on this site. As BP said, speaking from your experience is going to help alot of people. I fully agree with him.

FL, you are an asset. Remember that. You are an asset here, you are an asset to your family, and you are an asset to your H. You have learned many lessons, and your willingness to share what you have learned is invaluable.

You are doing just fine FL.

God Bless,

JL

FL, I know I have said this before but just lurking on the site last year and watching as you decided to tell your H the truth was such a help to me. You truly inspired me and still do!

Hey FL -

Yes. Your posts are very helpful to others. Please keep posting! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Semper Fi,
RIF

FL - I find all of your posts helpful - but I think it's because I am a FWW too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I know personally I pick and choose what I reply to - because I can only help people that are going through something similar to mine. EG - in tiny's sitch - now that I know there i drugs involved...I don't think I can help anymore - it just changes everything and I would hate to give bad advice.

But personally I find alot of your introspect and feelings very valuable and sometimes triggers thoughts and soul searching within me - which is good - change is going to be a forever process for me - and people who can keep me looking at me are good for me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> hehehe

(((HUGS FL)))

Also in defence to you in Tiny's thread - it took me a month to confess it all - but time and time again I rebroke H's trust and recovery i do believe got harder the more he found out more details...while it seems normal for the FWW to take forever to get it out and it seems expected - encouraging her to get it all over and done with will help her husband instead of having months of d-days...but I completely understood what you were saying from a FWW's point of view <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

thanks all, but just so you realize, i was not putting myself down (although i did feel sad due to thinking about how i gave my H 2 d-days) and/or looking for any pats.

i honestly wanted a true assesment of my perspective. because if my perspective is off, i need to see it, so i can dig deeper myself.

i do appreciate the kind words. i also appreciate it when my thinking is challanged.

i guess what i have concluded is that by reading others' posts and carefully considering what others are saying, I am actually able to figure out when i need to re-think some of my thoughts.

and i guess that is eactly what happened today. so that is good. i still wish i had not made all the mistakes i have made in life. but then i guess we all can say the same to some extent.