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Joined: Jul 2005
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My wife and I are getting divorced through mediation. She had an affair this year and she says now they are just friends, but still wants out of the marriage.
My problem is that I still love her and she does not love me. I am moving out as of November 5th (she still calls him, he calls her and it drives me nuts), we have 3 kids and I will get visitation. I asked her to please not date until we are officially divorced and she said no.
I am having a hard time with loving her and her not caring or loving me. She does not care about my feelings, that I am upset, and repeatedly says she does not love me.
How do I get over this emotional breakdown?
Rufus33
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Joined: Aug 2005
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Hi Rufus,
Time and gods's grace will heal you.
BUT,I do not understand why YOU are moving out and divorcing if you still love her? Why divorce through mediation? Are you still trying to set her free, hoping she will choose you?
Just wondering.
VTY
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Joined: Sep 2005
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Same thing her man. It just blows [censored]. I know I have been dealing with it since May, she has now slepted with about 6 guys and seeing someone now.
Hang in there, there are good days and very bad days. Keep posting here, it does help
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Joined: Apr 2005
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Rufus,
Sorry to hear about your situation. I know it doesn't help much, but you're not alone. My wife had an affair for a year and d-day was last January. She claims the affair is over, and I think it mostly is, but she still works with the OM. She refuses to find another job and treats me horribly. She says she's not "in love with me anymore". She refuses to do anything. She won't file for divorce and she won't work on the marriage.
I've signed the papers, but I haven't filed yet. I don't have much advice. If you're not ready, than wait until you are. You don't owe her anything right now. Just protect and take care of yourself.
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Joined: Jul 2005
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Thanks for the advice. It is nice to know you are not alone.
VeryTrulyYours: I am moving out because I come from an old fashioned home which the kids stayed with Mom. She wanted me to stay in the house and have a "marriage of convienence" and I said yes as long as she doesn't talk to the OM while I am in the house. She refused and I cannot stay in the house as long as she is still friends with him.
I however get VERY liberal visitation and am only blocks away so the kids can come over whenever they like. She is a good mother, just a horrible wife right now. I have given up she will choose me but I do feel she will regret her actions down the road. I am more motivated than ever to be a HUGE success in life, and will make the dreams we had together come true without her (or hopefully with someone else).
Rufus33
*********************************
ME - 36
STBX - 36
Married for 15
She's had 2 Affairs (that I know of)
Separated 07/05
Divorce date: Early 2006
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rufus, you sound like you really have your head on straight right now. I'm impressed. I had/have the same beliefs as you, but I couldn't bring myself to follow through.
I wish you the best of luck!
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Rufus you have to decide if she is really worth it or you. I stayed in a terrible siyuation alot like your for years, because of guilt I felt plus never wanting to leave my children. Don't be a doormat. You have to love yourself and have self respect before you can love anyone else. Let her make the mistake of a lifetime. Don't leave your house. If it's not abusive I would stay there until my children are grown. If she wants to leave let her. Don't beg, dont lovebust, Go about your daily life being the best father you can be while your being the best person you can be a God will take care of the rest.
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A turning point for me in getting over the fact that my exH no longer loved me, and I thought I still loved him was when I heard this question (I think Dr. Phil deserves the credit here): Do you love your spouse for who they are now, and how they treat you now? Or do you love who you thought they were, and who you hoped they would be?
I suspect your love is of the latter kind.....mine was when I really thought about it.
Jen:)
*33yr old FWS
*exH is 34, no kids; in April 2005, he finally confessed that he too is a FWS.
*We were married for 8 yrs, together for 12+
*D-day May 30, 2002; separated June 1, 2002
*I filed for Dv in Feb, 2004 (tired of waiting for him to choose me over OW)
*Dv was final April 19th, 2004
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Do you love your spouse for who they are now, and how they treat you now? Or do you love who you thought they were, and who you hoped they would be?
I suspect your love is of the latter kind.....mine was when I really thought about it.
Jen:) I am so glad I read this post... I need to remember that when I am pining away for him and my marriage. I hope that it is helpful for others here too. I waited 6 months for him to divorce me while he dated around. It was heart wrenching..... I finally got real with myself and filed. It felt LIBERATING, but I like you..still love him. I share your pain <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Seeing the light too late?
Hoping and Searching for a better tomorrow....
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THANK YOU JEN BROWN!!!
WOW what a great quote. By the way...update...I have moved out of the house. I wanted the kids the first weekend so they could help me move in (we had a blast!). The kids tried to call my STBX and she was obviously out most of the night on Saturday night. Probably with the "other guy."
But you are right...I love who I thought she was, and who I hoped she would be! It is just so hard to turn off emotions like a light switch and not care. I don't see how she can do it. When I moved out she showed NO EMOTION what so ever. Unbelieveable. My best friend for sixteen years!
Time and Gods grace will heal. I sure hope so!
Rufus33
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ME - 36
STBX - 36
Married for 15
She's had 2 Affairs (that I know of)
Separated 07/05
Divorce date: Early 2006
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I too still love him like crazy, and I've spent all morning writting here because I have these crazy feelings of wanting to write to him and tell him how much I love him and miss him. I can't avoid these feelings.
I had to move out because he didn't give me any hope, he would talk to me but for divorce matters and the last good thing he said was -JUST FOR THE RECORDS, I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN 4 DAYS, I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE THIS BEDROOM AND I AM JUST MAKING UP EXCUSES TO BE HERE WITH YOU AND I WANT TO STAY FOREVER- all this still makes me cry because I can't stop thinking of my love for him, his face, his body, his kisses, our love making. God I love him.
I need to forget him very fast or I'll lose it! I'm afraid I'll end up calling him.
-Expect to be happy with yourself don't wait for others to do your job-
Me - 31 - I believe in God's power
H - 30 - Confussed with mediocer attempts to "talk"
Married - 04/19/00
Separated - 09/26/05
Mariano, it's who you were when you were with me, and what you had that you so much miss. Open your eyes and you'll see how wonderful it's been meant to be.
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