Post deleted by Spitfirre

Welcome to MB,

When did you tell your H about the A? What have you read from MB? Surviving an Affair? His Needs/Her Needs?

Please read those books as well as the concepts section above. Take the Emotional Needs questionnaire and then call Steve H or Jennifer C @ MB.

What you both need now are recovery plans.

take care,
L.

Hi Spitfire

I am sad to see your predicament. You are in a good place to get help though. Folks like Orchid can help you enormously. Have faith !

I am a BH (that is my wife had the affair not me) but I know how you feel regarding suicide.
In fact I tried that just over a year ago after I discovered Squid's affair ( Squid's my dear wife), but if I'd been successful I would have missed out on the wonderful blessings I have recovered since then. THEN my life was a terribly painful mess. Now my baby lovs me and I love her. Our kids are happy, our futures are intertwined once again.

Spitfire you need to be calm in this. Can you tell us:

* What your marrige was like before your affair?
* What actions you and your H have taken since then to recover from it ?
* Have you kept in contact with the other man?
* Have you or your H had marriage counselling?
* How have your kids been affected by this ?

And I would also second what Orchid says. Studying the articles on this site, and reading " surviving an affair" by Willard Harley will help you understand whats going on a LOT better.

And phone counselling with the Harleys is usually really helpful too.

Spritfire, try to have hope and be calm. Panic is not your friend right now.

I've seen marriages saved from the brink of divorce before now !


All blessings

Before my affair I would come out here to the puter where my H is to spend time with him. He would get up and go into the living room to watch tv so I would go back in the living room and at that point he would come back to the puter. Like he didn't want to be in the same room as me. He didn't want to hold my hand or anything. And I tried talking about it to him but it didn't do no good it went in one ear and out the other. But we got along good we horse around and laughed and had fun and all but for me it wasn't enough. Is that wrong on my part?

After my dear H found out from a letter on the puter from me and this guy he asked me about it but I didn't want to hurt him and told him no nothing is going on I was so scared in hurting him. Then I told him yes it did happen I had to tell him cuz he was calling the person. He was a friend of the familys. My dear H ended up on depression pills cuz of it. I'm so sorry for it. But we ended up closer than ever just like when we was dating. I was so happy. He went and made my like a dream come true. I never looked at another guy scents my dear H is my dream guy. But we just forgot about it shoved it to the side. We all still stayed friends. Then the other guy asked if he could come and stay here with us while looking for a job H said it was ok. Then we the day came we got a call he was asking how to get to our house. My dear H told him and that is when it started all over again for my husband. I didn't do anything and it want to. I love my H. It was a mistake to let him come and stay for a couple weeks.

As for counselling I like to but my husband don't want to he don't talk about how he feels with just anyone. His got to know and trust you and he don't even talk to his parents about what is going on. They know we are getting a devorce but don't know why and what nots. I do go and talk to my pastor and he went up there to meet him and ended up talking for a little but he said he don't want to go back up and talk to him again even though things went good.

My kids is doing ok so far. My son told my dear H he hates him for hurting my and for getting a devorce. I didn't know about it tell my dear H told me about it. Other than that they seem find they know we aren't going to fight over them that we are going to share them just like now. They just don't like to see mom hurt. They don't want there family torn apart any more than me.

I haven't read any of the books yet but been thinking about getting some to read to help us out.

Yesterday I showed my dear H my post and the site and asked him to look at it. He didn't I'm hoping he will tonight and see that someone has repled maybe he will take time out and look at it. If anyone can give him a little help here also would be great scents I can't I guess. Right now he says he don't know to alot of stuff and that he needs to just go for a drive and think about stuff but he hasn't done so yet. I wish he would hoping he will give me another chance but scared he is going to want the devorce even more so. He says everything is just missed up in his head and he don't know what to do beside get the devorce. I hope you guys understand what I'm tring to tell you. Its hard for me to explain it. When its not my feeling.

Friday (tomorrow) we got to go to court for the kids. I so don't want to go.


Thank you for the replies and help.

bumping for Spitfire

First of all, I think you should accept responsibility for what you have done. If your children are upset with your husband about the divorice, I think you need to step up and explain to them that this is YOUR fault. He doesn't have to go through with the divorice, but, you were the one who broke your marriage covenant. I think its a terrible cheap shot of you to let your children think your husband is bailing on the family, when it was you who bailed on them.

I didn't let my kids think that when my son got up set I sat him down and talk to him. And let him know that I did things that I shouldn't have. Sorry I forgot to put that part in. Its hard to remember to type in everything. I won't let my kids down my husband I want my kids to look up to their dad. And I know my son didn't mean what he said. I tell my kids that dad and mom loves them all the time. Also that mom and dad still love everyone even each other we just have some problems.

Spitfire.
It seems as though both of you are acting based on instinct and not from knowledge.

I TRULY suggest you buy "Surviving an affair" by Dr. Willard Harley and Dr. Judith Chalmers. You can read it and learn the dynamics behind your own situation, and then hopefully your husband can too.

Please let him know first that nobody here, or anybody on THIS site is going to tell him he can't or shouldn't divirce you, just that another way is possible.

* Spitfire's husband, in case you read this, I would like to say that 15 months ago my own Dear Squid was stealing our kid's college money to set up home with a wretched other man and screwing him in a seedy motel. I was suicidal and embarassed. Squid ALSO blamed my lack of intimacy for the affair.

I chose to fight for my dignity and my marriage and right now as I type, my baby is upstairs in my bed, loving me: a great mom, a great wife and my best friend - closer than in YEARS.

Sir, I urge you to study to get some healing before taking ANY permament decision such as divorce. Affairs are TERRIBLE things, like soul nukes, but they can be used as springboards to make marriages better afterwards.

In case it helps, sir, I bundled up my experiences AN the wonderful advice I got from the smart caring people here as I fought against the affair and my instincts.

please Click here

I beg you to study here, read "surviving an affair" and then, maybe "his needs, her needs". I am English and you KNOW how stuffy we are ! Yet even MY attitude was transformed by reading these books. I understood what was going on after reading them, and got tools for putting it right.

Divorce is not pain free, recovery is not pain free, bt all I know is I wouldn;t change my decision to recover from the gates of he11 for anything.

All blessings to you both.

*edited 'cos I typed it out when VERY tired !

ok I got a question I want to save my marriage of course. I asked my husband if he wanted to try to save it also. He says he don't know. If its just me tring to save it can it still be saved? He says he needs time to think about things and I keep giving him chances to do so but he doesn't do it. Last sunday I told him if you like I got the kids you can go and drive around and do something thinking like you said you want too. Well he didn't want to ok. He said it was Sunday and he didn't want to be leaving. Then on Tuesday I had the day off from work I told him if you like come home and have your dinner and relaxe and then you can go and take off to be alone. He didn't want to cuz it was after work. Last night I wrote him a letter and today I gave it to him and told him I'm taking the kids to the park and then taking them to your moms. I thought that it would give him time to read my letter and think and some time alone. 1 hour later I got a call from him asking me if I'm coming home cuz he wants to watch this movie and he knew I wanted to watch it too. I packed the kids back in the car dropped them off and came home. He didn't do any thinking. Tonight he wants to go to a friend of his wedding and then to his Aunt's house. I really like to be with him but he don't want to be with me. I find that hurts me alot. What should I do?

P.S Bob Pure my dear husband did read what you said but didn't say anything to me. I hope it helped him some. thank you

I forgot to tell you all everything at the court house worked out we didn't fight over the kids it was a in and out thing. We was able to talk about what we wanted about the kids and what we both wanted to say when we got there. We both got phs. custosy of the kids.
The lady that was doing our case told me something when my DH went to the bathroom. She said that she thinks that things will work out when she looks at us she see so much love in us. I hope she is right and things does workout. She isn't the first person to tell me that either. I just hope my dh realizes it soon.

Yeserday I gave my dear Hubby the LB & EN q. He looked over them but didn't have time to fill them out with it being halloween and all. I hope tonight he will fill them out. I got my ENQ filled out now I just need to give it to him. Now that I did it I wish I had it years ago. If I did I don't think we would be where we are today. I just hope it helps. I stopped bugging him about the D. I try not to think about it cuz I get sick when I do. Just the thought of him not being my husband makes me sick to my belly. Last night he did come and sleep in our bed, I hope he stays in there. I hope I can not worry about the D and not be pushy and in time (soon I hope) he comes up to me and hugs me and tells me he wants to try to save our marriage.

He did go the wedding by himself and then afterwards he we went to the bar to a halloween party where his Aunt was at. I was so upset that he didn't want me with him I couldn't stay home. So I went up to my parents house and stayed the night there. I was so up set I forgot to leave a note and then just thought he would call me when he got home, but he didn't. Sunday was his mom surprize birthday party with all of his family him and the kids was going. I didn't know what to do. Then I thought I should go for the kids at less. So I went man it took alot to go. His mom did come up and hug me and tell me thank you for coming. That meant alot to me. My dear husband didn't say a word to me while I was there, and I didn't him when I did walk up to a group of people that was talking and he was there he would walk away. That hurt! Later that night out when I got home we did talk. Yesterday we did talk and horsed around alittle.

Now I just need to want and see what today brings me (or us). In a hour and 20 mins he will be on lunch and he will be calling me. Yup he calls me at his lunch break, and after he gets out of work. That makes me feel good.

I just hope and pray things work out for us, and also to all of you guys.

ok I'm back and feeling more like crap now than I did a min ago. I'm talking on msn and this is what she said to me and now I don't know what the heck to do beside cry.

She says:
From everything he has said to me and to Robin, I just don't think he is going to do that at all; nothing specific, just his overall attitude, he is just done and happy as all get out to be free sooner than later to honest with you Lena

I know, but I think you will do much better if you just accept that part and move on, even though I know it must be painful for you to be in such a different spot than he is right now


he did file for the divorce and seems like he has no intentions of backing down on it; Robin asked him once if he was going to, or what his plans were, and the only thing he knew for sure was that he couldn't wait for the divorce to be over with


Plz Plz someone help me I'm so scared of losing him. What can I do? I'm in a need of a friend right now I feel like I'm so lone. (*tears*)

Should I move out?

No, do not move out! It is your home. If anybody is to move then let him do it. You are to stand up for the M as long as you can. You should either win a victory for your M or go down like a batle cruicer with the flag up.
Keep your spirits high! There is still hope.

Thank you for the post it helps to hear from someone.

Spitfirre,

Don't move out and don't do anything to cheat yourself, your kids, or your husband. You know what you did and you are fighting for the marriage. That is a plus. Try to schedule an appointment with MB if possible.

Encourage your husband to read all he can. He can draw strenght from the boards. He is hurt. I am a BS and understand, but you are willing to work on the marriage. You both have a long way to go, but keep up the good fight.

Don't give up.

Thank you I'm glad I'm doing the right thing about fighting for my marriage. Today I was really starting to feel down about all this after I started talking to the one person on msn. your post up lifts my sprits enough to carry on the rest of the day. Thank you again and hope the replies keeps coming. I'm off to make his fav. cake. I hope that makes him happy.

I suggest you get some individual counseling immediately. I still have hope for your marriage, but whatever happens, you will need to make some changes.

Reaching out to have another man meet your needs was a HUGE mistake. Now you are paying for it. So get some counseling, and learn to communicate your needs to your partner.

When I talked to him at lunch from work last night he was having a bad night cuz the kids was always fighting, and it was getting to him. He told me he was going to sleep in the living room again and that he shouldn't have been in bed with me the night before I of course was hurt. When I came home I found him in bed. I'm glad that we are sleeping together again, and I hope I don't scare him back into the living room. What should I do to make sure I don't scare him off? What should I make out with this? Plz let me know.

Husband just got home and want to go out to the bar with his Aunt this saturday. He is making this a habit. Before he wanted the divorce we never went out with his Aunt. I don't know what to think or do. I do know how I feel and I'm not liking it. I have to work this weekend so for him to go out he will have to get a sitter which would be his sister -in- law or his mom cuz we don't belive in babysitters. They wouldn't watch the kids for us to go out together before why would they do it so he can go out? He said ya and I'm sure your going to make sure that you work every weekend so I can't go out. I was like no I would rather be home with the kids on weekends cuz then I see him more often. A friend of mine from work asked me to go out with her and I said yes cuz for 1 husband keeps telling me I need to get out and have fun. 2 he has been going out every weekend beside 1 weekend scents I got my papers. 3 I do now know I do need to get out and make friends and have a life from home. That is what my husband always tills me. I was always happy being with my family. Is that wrong? Please someone help me!!