Surprisingly after reading some of the postings in here i find a lot similarities. Its like a classic case of a BS going back dating problems.

My mistake was not having the chance to date enough and for jumping in too soon into a relationship without giving the chance of healing.

I met N 4 months before the divorce was final. I have had to go through a lot of ups and downs with N. I think i may have move too fast into the relationship without giving it much thought because i had a big void to fill up. Many people advice me to go slow. Many still tell me i should end with him. I did bring the relationship to friendship level twice and still end up goin back into serious mode later.

I also have so much healing to do. Each situtation with N brings up a lot of past issues. When he doesnt call or miss a call i will blame him for not being consistent. When he does not inform me of his whereabouts i will blame him for not respecting me. When he doesnt communicated enough i think he is not seriously interested in me. So many doubts still plague my thoughts and i need to discern each situation careful. Betrayal is really the worst for a BS.

I read the book Men are from Mars and women from venus which helps a lot. I realise that i have communication problem and have deep past issues of being rejected.

I dont know where it will end up with N. He is 8 years junior and sometimes i feel not right for me. So many challenges. But i also know that he is sincere in his intention. He wants commitment and love. He has tolerated all my volatile mood swings. Despite all he is still there for me. For now i thought i will continue on with this relationship. I feel if this man can tolerate me with my inconsistency of wanting to be in a relatinship oneday and not on the other day then i think i still have some hope.

Zizzy, you gave yourself some wonderful suggestions, but then won't follow them. So in the end, if he can tolerate you, that is now our basis for a healthy relationship? I don't think so.

I don't know the dynamics of your relationship but I challenge you to look at them with an honest and open eye. What are they? Are they healthy? Are you the only person in this relationship with deep issues and a lot of healing left to do?

What are you actively doing to work on your deep issues and heal? Time and new dude won't heal you, as a matter of fact, they will help you stay sick. You have to choose to do actions to heal and work on deep issues.

Now let me ask you one more thing, if you were emotionally healthy, is new dude someone you would pick to be with or is he someone you would settle for? Think about that.....

(((Z))) A lot of people have stood and will continue to stand right where you are at and you still have a choice. You can heal but you have to want to and you have to do the work to do it. Can you do it in the confines of a relationship, yes, I believe you can but I also believe that it not only takes it's toll on the relationship but it also adds to the time it takes to heal. Statistically, them there experts would say you needed 2.5 years or so after your long term marriage, in a relationship that may take 4 and that is assuming you stay in the same relationship and don't have to heal from another break-up in the mean time.

Zizzy,


"I also have so much healing to do. Each situtation with N brings up a lot of past issues. When he doesnt call or miss a call i will blame him for not being consistent. When he does not inform me of his whereabouts i will blame him for not respecting me. When he doesnt communicated enough i think he is not seriously interested in me. So many doubts still plague my thoughts and i need to discern each situation careful. Betrayal is really the worst for a BS."
____________________________________________________________


You do need to give yourself time to heal. Invest your time with counseling and support groups rather than a relationship.

I understand how you feel about being a BS, my EX had A with a good friend of mine. I went through he** and was a mess. I never thought my life could be normal again, never thought I would ever trust anyone. I went to counseling every week, my blood pressure was high, no appetite, lost over 50 lbs., could not sleep or eat. I'm still going to counseling, although I will be released after tomorrow. I also joined a Divorce Care support group at a local church.

Zizzy, look at this point of view. Our hearts have been broken because of our divorce or separation.

Now lets compare to it as if we've had a heart attack and it required surgery. We would never expect someone going through heart surgery to go back to normal routine immediately. Well, the same goes for our broken hearts. Give it time.

Hugs.

Zizzy~~

I saw your post this morning, and thought of myself.
I too was in a relationship much the same timing as yours, and my guy too, was 7 years younger.

He was wonderful to me, I just can't say enough good about him.
BUT, the problem was ME.

I had so much to go through still from a failed 18 year marriage.
I had to heal and no matter what this guy tried to do for me, it couldn't fix the "stuff" that I had to go through.

I dated him for 1.5 years. He treated me very well that whole time, but it was me that was damaged. We never fought, got along great as a matter of fact, but I needed time to clear out the left over feelings that I didn't take the time to clear out.

I no longer am dating him, and it's been hard.
BUT, I will say, it was necessary.
Our relationship was doomed because of where I was, and the healing that I still had to do.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't know that we can heal properly by entering another relationship right away. [which always makes me wonder about my x, if was so messed up, how in the world did he move right in, and eventually marry ow, oh well, another story]
For some reason, it's almost like we need to got through a little more pain, before we get to that better place.

Thinking of you!
Karona

Zizzy - I'm so happy to hear from you again. I'm almost divorced and have been dreading the same thing. Even though it has been 3 years since D-day, I know that I am permanently a changed person. I will never be naive and trusting again.

I read some book (can't remember the name now) that said that you need to love like you have never been hurt before. That is a tall order. I don't think I will ever get to that point.

Zizzy, If it's any consolation to hear from people who've BTDT, I'm another one... My story is very similar to Karona's - 18 yr M, H left me for MOW almost 5 yrs ago, 3.5 yrs ago I ended contact and then jumped into a R with a man 8 yrs younger. It lasted 3 yrs, ended about 4 mos. ago. He was opposite of WH in many ways, was good to me, we got along, never really fought.

Looking back, I realize I wanted to have what (I thought) WH had. I wanted to feel "desirable" after being "rejected". I wasn't emotionally available for a new R. I'm still not, but now I'm emotionally able to be single.

To all, thank you for your comment and support. I can always count on MB for that.

Believer...so nice to see you again. I am glad you are alive and kicking.

Yes i think i have been away from MB too long. I was a regular in GQ2 and posted tons of my very own opinion. Been through all the plans and the psycho crazy stuff that all BS goes thru.

I cant go counselling here because we dont have that facility here in my country. I live in a small town in Malaysia.

Even the books like SAA and Love must be tough has to be ordered from outside.

Yes...i know i am trying too hard. I think i have that value. I am not a quiter.

I just wish i know what to do sometimes when things are rough with N.

Deep inside i do love N. Beside the age gap and my issues...we are also facing distance problem. We live 2.5 hours flight away from each other. Yes i know the obstacles are many. I am even surprise we lasted this long.

The only thing that we both have and which probably helped us both is GOD. He is a staunch catholic. I have found my way back to GOD because of him.

I am hoping with my growing faith in GOD will help me heal and time too.

The books and reading some of the postings here does help too. Thats why i said there are similarities with some of the problems that other posters have with me. This bothers me coz if some of you who has already gone through the time needed to heal then why still have the same problem?

Sometimes i wonder maybe its not really time that is needed but the problem is with us. I think by using time we maybe just avoiding the problem instead of addressing it. And by giving up quickly in a relationship saying it does not work would probably mean you are again avoiding the issues.

So here i am wondering it is time, him or is it really me? I know i have issues but by cutting off my relationship will that help? Maybe by facing my demons i can overcome them faster?

When i dont hear from him, i feel like quiting but the moment i hear his voice those feelings goes away. It fluctuate like a yo-yo and this is what drives me up the wall sometimes. When i think about breaking up i freeze. It will hurt and i know that will hurt him too. N said i am avoiding what is really in my heart and the truth that i love him. N said he loves me and has had those feelings for me since the day we met.

N said his inner strength is strong as well as his faith. N wants to marry me oneday. I told him that i am not ready because i still dont trust him. We lack communication yet still manage to hold this together. All the trials of long distance relationship plus deep issues is really tiring. I do feel like i am running out of steam sometimes.

We are trying to work out the communication problem bit for now. I told him i need him to work on his word and respect for me. We set deadline for the calls but sometimes he fail to meet it and also fail to inform me. I end up waiting for him which upsets me and creates resentment. He is trying his best but somehow to me his best is never enough. Perhaps my expectation is too high. Perhaps i am too demanding. For sure the past makes me very needy. I told him i come with this baggage. I have warn him many times what he has to tolerate. I feel bad sometimes.

I lost my respect during the betrayal which makes me into this person that is obssessed with respect. I kept thinking if N is like this now will he be like that in future....over anaylising things...assume and presume stuff. I need to force myself to remember that N is not Ex and things are not the same. I need to remember that i have read and learn so much from MB and my ordeal. I should know better. However i am still scare that it will happen again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I want to have a better, loving and healthy relationship. I want it to be much much better than my previous one. I have put as much healthy boundaries around this relationship but despite all, sometime i feel so weary. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I guess when the time comes i will know what to do. Thanks all for listening to my ramblings. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />