First I'd like to say hello to everybody it's been a while since I've been here. Have some questions that maybe some of you may be able to answer. Cliff notes version to my story. My wife of 11 years at the time had an affair with her boss for approx 3 mos. I would say EA for about a year and PA for 3 mos. Time range was from middle of 2002 thru July 2003. 2 1/2 years later this is still killing me inside and I'm at a lost as of what to do.

#1 problem is trust. Not only of the affair but it's how they went about it. OM is married and we had spent probably 2 to 3 nights together as couples while they were hiding their affair. After their affair had ended my wife came up with this plan to treat me as bad as possible so I would leave her and she would never have to confess. After that failed she came clean with me and we decided to work on our marriage as we had just had a daughter 3mos prior.

#2 Thing that still kills me is that my wife has NEVER said she was sorry for what happened. In fact the day she told me she had broke down in tears and the only thing she could say was "Your Gonna Hate Me" and she was more concerned about how I was gonna feel towards her.

#3 After reading everyhing on this site for months afterwards, I came up with the conclusion that I couldn't change her but I could change myself. TRUE. But this has made me grow to resent my wife tremendously and I'm dying inside because of it.

#4 We have only gone to counsiling once as my wife doesn't believe in it. Her theroy is that they are paid to say what you want to hear.

Sorry I know I may me rambling on and sound confused, cause I am.

For the people who have been here a long time, Does the feeling of resentment ever go away? REALLY GO AWAY.

Hi JDK,

Sorry you're having a rough time.To address your issues:

1) Trust is a very delicate bond between two people and like marriage,it takes a tremendous amount of care and committment IMO.It sounds to me like there's more going on that that bond isn't restructuring well.Sure it takes a lot of time but you should be able to say that you are on your way or it's still a struggle but things are improving. Are they?

2) Yes,not saying sorry,ever,is a big deal.If she shows no remorse for what she did to you,how can you fully believe that she won't do it again? Or that she truly cares? Completely understandable.Sounds a lot like WS self preservation but one would hope that they break out of that self absorbed shell and make ammends.

3) Dr.Harley says resentment is one of the biggest problems of recovery.Of course if you have reason to feel resentment,that should be explored.Obviously you sound like you are not feeling cared for,protected or loved,in some respects anyway.

4) This is a big problem.Counseling only once?! Can't say that I agree at all with that,especially the WW's claims that it's only going to get you what you want to hear.That not only a cop out but disrespectful of the community of professionals that do a great service to helping other's in their marriages.To many here I am sure that statement(excuse) just means she is not being honest with you,herself or is really committed to doing whatever it takes to save your marriage.In my experience reading here,no one has been able to do this without some form of professional help.Of course I have read other's such as yourself try but always come back with issues that should have been dealt with from the very beginning.

You are not rambling and are not confused.You sound like you are hurting and in a tough place right now.Everything you said sounds very realistic and appropriate given what has happened.I am sure your WW is also having a tough ime with certain issues.

Can you list what the positives are since your recovery began? Have you at least both been reading and following some guidelines for MB recovery such as spending enough quality time together each week? Meeting eachother's needs after being ID'd? etc.

One thing I have noticed,although not in R myself, is that resentment can be,in part,due to the fact that the WS isn't helping YOU to feel secure or doing the necessary things to make you feel good about staying in R.Same could be said for you but being a BS,I did feel like that myself after my false recoveries.

Have your read the posts on the Recovery board?

O

Octobergirl thank you for your response.

Of course the first 5 months after DD was the best 5 months of our marriage in a strange way, but things have gone back to the way they used to be. I told her that the other night and she just shrugged it off as if I were having a bad day.

The trust issue I feel will always be a problem for a couple of reasons. After my wife told me she had an affair of course my first question was who? Well she wouldn't tell me who and we still had contact with the OM and his wife on a daily basis. It was only after he was relocated to another state did she tell me who, that was bout 7 months after I was told about the affiar. So it was back to sq 1 for me and it was on my birthday when she told me.=(
Also she will not use e-mail at home, only at work. Red Flag. Her personality is one that she only gets along with males at the work place.

2. She had went IC for a few weeks but ended it cause she said all her and her IC did was argue. We had went to MC a couple times but she siad she was doing for me. The only thing she wanted to know is if I could get over it. She said she didn't want to waste the next 5 years trying only for me to not get over it and leave.

I don't want to come off that all I'm doing is ragging on my wife, but thos is the only place for me to vent.

Sorry I really don't mean to be so negative.

Hi again,

Well,going by what you said,I can see where you would be hard pressed to feel secure.Afterall,she wouldn't tell you who the OM was.I can appreciate how hard that can be in itself(almost like she is protecting him).My Dad,who used to work for the NSA,found out all I needed to know about the OW(homewrecker).Over time it wasn't really necessary but it did help me to know my foe and have "ammo" if in the future I needed it on court,etc(expensive home and 2 children to consider,etc).

Also,going to MC or even IC just for someone else isn't the goal.It should be,given what happened,to improve your marriage and both you and your WW as individuals.It hurts when the WS doesn't want to do what they need to to make things better even if it means they have to change .

Using me as an example again,on one of our false recoveries,it was clear my WH had no intention of doing anything different.It was all about how high I could jump and for how long.Why didn't I keep catering to him? That was what he saw as recovery. And also,how fast can I just put all this behind me.Afterall,it is a well know characteristic of WS's that we all put the ugly A behind us as fast as is humanly possible without regard to there having been any proper recovery or exploration of why these people cheat.It's classic.





These claims are very telling don't you think? Also the e-mail at work.Not consistent with being open and honest.

Anyway,you didn't mention anything positive going on. Is there? You are not ragging on your WW,I can understand your concerns,they are valid.The last thing a couple should want is for things to deteriorate and certainly not back to stage one.

Without knowing more about your story,I think you have some tough decisions to make.It seems to me your WW hasn't dealt with why she cheated and is not interested in exploring anything about herself and making the marriage better in the way she needs to be available.You cannot just sweep something of this magnitude under the rug and pretend all is right.Nor can you jump ahead a year's worth or more of in depth counseling and recovery steps just so she can sidestep her actions and pretend it never happened.It doesn't work that way.Even if she left you today,she would still have the same issues and baggage and she would undoubtedly drag that into her new relationship(s).

The reason I filed for a D,after much inner turmoil,was that I realized my WH isn't interested in being the man he nedded to be for me,his wife nor his children.He was someone completely alien to me now and it wasn't worth my integrity to keep putting up with continued contact with the homewrecker.What I am saying is you have to make a decision for yourself how long you will put your best effort forward and when to let it all go.No one should try to make a marriage work alone indefinitely.It just can't.And certainly,if your WW keeps acting as it appears you say,then it's not hopeful.She has to give you hope that things will improve.You both have to be supporting one another.

Have there been any triggers? Would she concede to try counseling again with a PRO marriage counselor? Have you been talking?

O