So what do you do when you get stuck??

My husband and I have, in my opinion, a strong marriage with good communication. But we've hit a wall with the problem that can not be resolved: I want children, he does not.

This has been an ongoing discussion for two of the three years we have been married; and we just can't seem to find a solution that doesn't leave one of us unhappy. At first I agreed to accept being childless by choice; this has been a miserable failure. I tried to be ok with it; I read books on the subject; visited bulletin boards and tried to be happy with this. But I could never accept this. I can’t explain why – biology, upbringing, whatever. Over time I started spontaneously crying at birth announcements, baby stores, and watching kids play soccer at the park near our house. To confuse the situation further, I learned in the middle of all of this that I have a fertility issue that will make it difficult (but not impossible) to have children. This diagnosis has been a devastating blow; and it threw an already bad situation into a crisis.

My husband felt horrible and guilty, in a recent discussion agreed to try for children even though he still doesn’t really want to. I refused to accept that; and I know that the uphill battle I face with fertility is not one I can handle with an unenthusiastic spouse.

We are now at a complete impasse. You can’t have “half” a kid; You either have children or you don’t.

We can’t find a single reasonable resolution to this. I’ve seen the suggestions and they stink. A surrogate dog/cat is not an option. First, I am horribly allergic to things with hair. Second, having been raised on a farm I have a hard time viewing animals as small humans - growing up I had cats named “Cat” and “Baby” and a dog named ”Grey One”. I’m baffled by people who treat their pets like children – I can’t even wrap my brain around the idea.

“Borrowing” children doesn’t work – my husband is wonderful with our nephews and godchildren but that doesn’t change his mind about wanting kids of his own. And my taking a job with children doesn’t work either – I like my current job very much and can’t imagine finding satisfaction in teaching other peoples children. It’s like saying visiting Epcot center is the same as going to Europe.

How do you negotiate through a problem like this?

In my opinion, this is one of the few issues where POJA isn't going to work. You each have a dream for your life, and having or not having children is a crucial part of that drea, But your dreams are in opposition.

I've seen one or two couples where the one wanting children decided that they could channel that into being an aunt, godparent, etc. If that works for some, great. However, I don't think it would work for me, and it sounds like you have considered it and decided it doesn't work for you.

You may simply have to decided which is most important to you; I don't think there is magic to resolve two dreams that directly oppose each other.

Kathi