Okay, I feel like a fool. On my previous post in the emotions room I expressed how things were getting better between me and my H......so anyway NOW things have gone downhill at lightning speed. My H has finally decided to go to MC. THANK GOD! However the reason behind it breaks my heart. He has been seeing another woman. He swears it's strictly conversation nothing more. Although it's hard to believe him when I caught him via the cell phone bill. He had kept the whole thing secret he said for fear that I wouldn't understand. I notice several incoming calls from a strange number with hourly conversations. I mean 3-4 HOURS LONG! So, I called the number before I confronted him. I left a very polite message to the other woman. Just told her I was the W and I wanted her to call me back to justify why she felt the need to have long coversations with a married man. Anyway, now things are so rough between me and my H. He's very distant whereas a week ago he couldn't keep his hand off me. I'm now having panic attacks, which I've never experienced before, and when we do talk it's very strange conversation. The things that stands out most of our most recent coversation is that he asked me "What if I walk away from you and realize you were the love of my life? But, on the other hand, what if I stay and the other woman was the girl of my dreams? How do you know when you're truely in love?" My heart fell to my feet! I'm so devistated right now, and I'm having to hide a lot of emotion from family and friends; especially our six year old son.

I've never been to any sort of counseling so I don't know what to expect. Does counseling usually work? HELP

ARowan,

I am sorry to hear you are going through this. There are many poeple at this website that can offer some good advice. I am new but I am sure the experienced people will be talking with you soon. What I can tell you is that I caught my husband in a very similar manner, my husband told me something very similar about staying or leaving, and he too used to have his hands all over me and now is distant, I also have a six yr old son. So read up on plan A. If you have not already exposed the affair EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE.
Tell his family, your family, and her family if you know them. Do not make the same mistake as me and let this affair take off the ground anymore then it already has. I was scared of exposing at first but afterwards wish I had done it sooner.

Take care

Trying

Me 26
H 28
DS 6 yr old
married 7 yrs
D day 3 sept 05
Plan A 21 Sept 05

Hello ARowan,

I just went back and read all your posts.

Well,at least you know why your H was acting the way he was.Your H,at the very least,is involved in an EA.That is exactly where his "confusion" is coming from.The classic suggestion "ILYBINILWY"( I Love You But I Not In Love With You)."Confusion" over what is love? etc.Major long hours talking to someone of the opposite sex( my WH used to rack up cell phone bills over $700 per month!)Loving attention then cold hearted aloofness.All tell tale signs.And you have a right to be very hurt and scared.

So, what to do.

1) Read up on all the concepts here at the Q&A at the top.You must know what you are dealing with.Read up on Plan A specifically.

2) Exposure.Is this OW married do you know? If so,her H will need to know everything about the inappropriate conversations and time being spent.If you don't know,you need to be a PI now an start snooping for more info.Also tell family if you feel close to them.There is not reason to hide this and they can be of great support to you.My family and In-Laws were wonderful to me.Expose this as much as you can right now before it goes more underground and worsens.It could put a big damper on the whole ordeal right now and make it end or at least make your H seriously question what he is doing.He may be mad but that is EXPECTED>Plan for that.

3) Counseling.Yes,you should go and it can help.Talk to a PRO marriage counselor and take it as a good sign your H is agreeing to go.

O

Well, of course he's angry. You messed up his playpen. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Enjoy the anger - don't stop here. The advice you have been given is great - find out who she is. Call her husband, her sister, her brother, her parents. Expose to your family and friends. The more people know, the more light is shining down into a dark, secret place. It's not fun to them any more when people know about it.

Hire a PI if you can afford it. There are lots more ways to find out things, too. Knowledge is power. Pay NO ATTENTION to what he says - it is babble. Look up Orchid's Reverse Babble on this forum and apply it to your conversations. Like:

I don't want to be with you any more. - Rev. Bab -I agree. I don't want you to be with you any more either. (?) Confuse the heck out of him.

I don't love you any more. - RVB -Me too. I am sorry you don't love yourself any more.

Agree, babble back, nod your head and keep washing the dishes. Tee hee.