A little over a month ago my STBX came to me and apologized for her behavior during our M and since our separation. She took responsibility for herself in a way that she has never done before. She then asked me if there was any way I would consider trying to R with her. She said she would be willing to do whatever it took and that she would do whatever I asked of her.

At this time we were both under the assumption that our court date was at least four months away. But just to get that out of the way as an issue I told her that there was NO way I would be willing to stop the D. She seemed to understand.

Since this time I have prepared for and then took the kids to Florida for a week. A few days after I got back we found out that our mutual request for a continuance on our court date had been denied and so I spent about a week getting ready for that.

Our disagreement about custody brought up hard feelings on both sides and I really thought she would change her mind because of it.

Well, it hasn't. She said she still feels the same way and she wants a chance to prove herself to me.

I haven't had the time to give any of this a lot of thought until now. I have for the most part always thought that if she was truly willing to change and was willing to do the things that I asked of her to prove it that I would at least give her a chance.

I haven't been able to talk with her in any depth about this until now. I'm not sure how to approach it since I am not willing to stop the D. The only issue we've touched upon is the custody arrangement. I told her it seemed to me that someone who was truly repentant would not be fighting so hard to get the custody arrangement they wanted, but would instead be more interested in showing that they knew they had screwed things up and be humble about it. She said that she knows she has brought this upon herself but that she honestly feels that what she is fighting for is what is in the best interest of the kids and so she doesn't see that she has any choice but to do what she thinks is right in this regard.

Thoughts?
starman

starman,

I am not sure what you decided to do about custody.I,for one,responded to you about the newfound requests of your WW about a 50/50 split.What did you decide? Did you ever talk to your kids about it all?

Also,if you are going to remain firm in your choice to go forward with the D,why can't you try dating afterward at some point? There is nothing wrong with that IMO IF you want that.And IF your WW is truly wanting to reconcile and this isn't some ploy to get you to stop the proceedings.The positive aspect to that is YOU can take your time and see if it's what you really want.You are in the drivers seat.

Like I mentioned before,if your WW was truly concerned about the kids and they were the priority,she would not be fighting so hard to alter their lives NOW.JMHO.

O

How do you feel? What do you want. If she is truely willing why not try. Ask her to join us here and see if she would go along with MB principles? Do you feel you could still love her again? Will she go to MC. Maybe start seeing her more often will help you decide.

I don't know your situation so please forgive me if my comments are out of line. But based on what you have written in this particular post it sounds like you are asking her to choose between you and the children, and as a mother that rubs me in the wrong way. If she fights for what she feels is best for the children, then to you that means that she isn't committed to rebuilding your relationship. It sounds like you are saying she should give you what ever you want, regardless of the best interest of the children. Is this what you mean to say?

Sounds like the reality of having to house and provide for 5 children is smacking her in the face. She has to know that 5 children running around is not that attractive to other men, especially those that will treat him as the enemy.

LOOK at his sig line

D DAY 2002

MULTIPLE affairs

her lifestyle, thus far, has not been "in best interest of the children" ....

fight like heck for custody

I smell a rat

I've been thinking and working on a list of things I would need her to do and am just about done. I want to think it through more carefully to make sure I'm not leaving anything out or putting something in that need not be there.

The part I'm having trouble with is the timing. Is it wise to get into all of this right now? I'm thinking that I should tell her that I am willing to talk with her in more depth about this but we should wait until after the D. It doesn't make sense to get into this much right now.

Octobergirl,
Thanks. I don't know if you saw my response on my thread about custody, I am going to bump it up just in case. Threads get blown away on this board a lot faster than they used to!

My STBX has said she wants a 50/50 split right from the start. Our D probably would have been done a long time ago if we could have agreed on this. I have talked to my two oldest about this some. They are both old enough to decide how much time they spend at each house. I told them that the only concern I had would be if they made it a habit to go wherever the younger ones were not. I'm afraid that they would lose the bond they have with each other if this happened too much.

realtor,
I am willing to give her a chance. I know that I could let the past go if she proved that she was a changed person. I credit MB in large part for giving me the ability to be able to do this, by the way.

Now, I will admit that I have ZERO confidence that she is or can become a changed person. Not without some serious IC (which is going to be one of the things I will need her to do). I think this will be the deal breaker too. She would agree to MC and probably would be agreeable to changing her lifestyle also, at least for a while. But when it comes time for her to analyze herself, to really come to grips with her fears and weaknesses, this is when she will run away. I'm not a phsychologist but I don't believe that she will be able to obtain any REAL and lifelong changes until she is willing to go through this process. But again, I am not a professional so I am willing to give her a chance to prove me wrong.

kloe,
I don't think your questions are out of line at all.

The problem I am having with my STBX and her strong position on custody is that there is IMO a huge disconnect between what she says she wants and what she has been actually DOING to show it.

I go to great lengths to make sure she not only has access to the kids but that she is comfortable enough around me to come by my house and see the kids anytime she wishes.

The arrangement now is that she gets the kids EOW, alternating holidays and half of the summer. She is also entitled to have them one evening each week during the school year. She also knows that if she wanted to have the kids more than that (an extra weekend here or there as an example)all she would have to do is let me know.

The reality is that since she moved out of the house almost three years ago that she has had much LESS than even the minimum contact with them. Many days in a row without so much as a phone call and she lives less than ten minutes away.

That's why I asked her the question. On the face of it her answer is a good one, I can't argue with it. But when you look at the whole picture it is very confusing to me.

I have to believe that she is not so blind that she can't see this too. So I keep looking for what her real motivation is. So far I have no idea.Thanks.

Pep,
I am very wary also. I'm going to see this through and will fight with everything I have to keep custody the way it is. Sometimes the doubts get to me a little, but I KNOW that I am doing the right thing for the right reasons.

Thank you everyone,
starman

Hi starman:

Wow, it has been three years? ...I'm getting old!

I think the last part of your reply above is very telling. If she's not spending the time with her own kids that the courts are allowing her, when she's only 10 minutes away... ...then what the heck is she doing with her spare time?

Methinks she's "occupied" in such a fashion as 2 continue 2 be distracted from "family" and "marriage" issues.

I agree, let the DV go through and THEN see if she's willing 2 demonstrate some sincerity.

best,
-ol' 2long