Folks, No infidelity in my sitch, as far as I know.
See link for more info, but perhaps I can sum up.

W asked me to leave Sept '04 and then every month after. I dove into R books, 180s, etc. Wife would not engage in MC or R discussions and poor communication skills on my part (aggressive nature) made things worse. I finally left in June and have since really dove into communication skills.

I am much improved. I have been meeting what EN's wife will let me for the past 5 months. No sex. Hug hello and goodbye. A little back scratching. Little gifts like coffee and flowers, etc.

Wife has started counseling 4 weeks ago. She says it's emotional for her. C has suggested books that are not exactly pro-marriage.

W has come out of withdrawal and has been interested in doing more family type outings. Also, W got a job 2 hours on one evening and 7 hours on Saturdays.

I am with the kids while she works on those two days and again on Wednesdays when she goes to coffee shop and reads. She has often lied about going to coffee shop.

W has severe spending issues probably related to unhappiness but has been unable to stick to our agreements about spending (see my thread).

Anyway, I am now simply a friend and feel like the R is very stalled out, and don't know what to do. A big wedding that W is in wedding party for is coming up next week, and I still don't know if I'm invited. I've been very supportive to the tune of over $600 and several weekend getaways with bride-to-be (I watched kids).

Anyway, I kind of have an expectation to be invited. If I am not I am considering going to Plan B. I don't know if it's the right thing to do or not, or if I should stick in Plan A.

Please review my Plan B letter and make suggestions.

Also, tell me if I have another option besides continuing Plan A and going into Plan B. Is there something in between?

Thx.

My dearest W,

I love you. From our first conversation, for 12 years, and surely for years to come I will want for no other woman. To hear and watch you laugh has always been the singular joy of my life.

I love our beautiful girls. Who knew that I could actually cry watching them laugh with pure joy like their mother.

I wish the four of us could grow and flourish together as a family.

I will forever regret my lack of grace and self-awareness in the face of our marital difficulties and how it extinguished your love for me.

For months now I have known that the only reason you were staying with me was for financial security. As disheartening and heartbreaking as that realization was, I was determined to win back your love and trust. I hoped I had enough time for my words and changed actions to convince you of my sincerity and commitment and the viability of rebuilding our lives together.

It is clear to me now that my efforts have been too little too late.

For the last 15 months and particularly the last 6, I have been before you, head bowed and on bent knee; contrite and humbled; regretful, remorseful, and repentant – though certainly not perfect. Instead of embracing the possibility of a new better marriage, reaching out your hand to lift me off my knee; you chose to use the sword of resentment handed to you by your mother, to disengage, push me away, blame me, disrespect me, lie to me, dishonor our agreements, and generally humiliate and punish me. The most recent humiliation, by not allowing me to stand in my place next to my wife at your friend’s wedding is a perfect example. There was no upside to your decision for me to not go; only a humiliating and disrespectful downside. If you had invited me we could have had fun and been closer; we could have been touched by the words of the pastor and perhaps our spirits reborn again in some small but enduring way.

Shame on you. There is a <W> in there that is so much better than her mother. There is a <W> in there that believes in her vows, believes in respect, believes in honor, and doesn’t want to be dishonest. There is a <W> in there that wants to be loved, honored, respected and cherished. I hope for your own sake, and the future of our children, that you can find her again.

I had high hopes that our journey to rediscovering the people we want to be could be traveled together, as one. I hoped we could share our hopes and dreams, our thoughts and our shame, and comfort and support one another, as a husband and wife should. In traveling that path together I thought our marriage and relationship would emerge stronger; unbreakable.

Instead, our relationship has evolved to be similar to that of you and your friend <male friend>. I am your companion to reduce the stress of outings with the kids. I am your reliable babysitter so that you can get the break and breather you deserve. I am your financial security blanket. I see every indication that you want me as a friend and financial supporter to you, and involved father to our kids. But, I see no indication that you want me as your husband, lover, or confidante. My conclusion, by your non-responsiveness, is either you are emotionally unable or are stubbornly unwilling.

The result will be another shattered family. We will spend years trying to help the girls understand. And we will surely do it by lying to them. Even now, after so much time, you don’t see the truth of how you have quit on us, and on them.

I see now that your original thoughts were probably right. To preserve what love and respect we have left, and to protect the children from experiencing the same scarring as you did growing up, we need space. More space than even now, separated.

The realization of our lack of a future together is profound and heartbreaking. To deal with this upset, I will take the next couple of months to focus on myself and try to let go of the building frustration and resentment over your continued lack of forgiveness and unwillingness to move forward in our relationship. Also, I will try to determine a graceful way to stay in the lives and be supportive of all 3 of my beautiful and intelligent girls, without sacrificing my self-respect and honor.

I may or may not ask to visit with the girls during this timeout. To be in contact with you would bring me great anguish and would be counter to trying to find some inner peace. Perhaps we could exchange the girls through the neighbors. Please be assured that I will reengage in the girl’s lives in January when I am better able to focus on them.

A part of me believes that you will find this a relief; as you haven’t had the strength to tell me your true feelings and intentions, and would simply prefer for me to be the bad guy.

Another part of me holds on and believes there remains hope for our relationship. Perhaps, but not on your current terms, at the expense of my self-respect and honor, and the detriment of the girl’s respect and appreciation for their dad as well as men in general.

Hardhead,

Don't mean to be the bearer of bad news but we both know there is someone else, don't we.

Nothing can be accomplished until Mr Coffeshop is gone. Permanently.

This is way too long. WS's have a very short attention span.

Also there are lots of DJs in it.

Cymanca, I wouldn't be the first BS to be shocked. But, right now I have no proof. I definitely thought so awhile back when she was being very withdrawn, but now she is being plenty friendly and buddy buddy, so I find it hard to believe that she could be doing that and be friendly to my face.

believer, Yeah, I hear ya on length. I'll rework. I'll look for the DJ's. Not sure I even want to remove them all, but perhaps you'll convince me.

If you really want to save your M, hire a PI and you'll get your answer.

I vote for hiring the PI too. At least then you will know what you are up against.

As for the letter, what do you hope to accomplish with it?

I know what I would think if you sent to me. Way to many LB'a and much too long. Sorry.

with love,
VTY