So when can a buyer sell or get their $$ back? Or is this a non-refundable purchase? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

I don't understand this one. Seems like it should be the other way around..

How does he explain this?

I guess I need to get the book....

Mimi,
I think this is because when a POJA is in place no one sacrifices thier happiness for the other. Sacrifices is not a healthy feeling. The goal would be mutual happiness and not sacrifice.


Danielle

Given this, it seems that BOTH partners SACRIFICE their SELFISH DESIRES for each other...

Post deleted by ray3

Think of POJA as the ~Holy Grail~ for creating a marriage of mutual compatibility

and enthusiastic support for major decisions implies a respect for the long-term happiness of both partners

this does not mean compromise is not to be found ... but it must be enthusiastic and genuine ... which eliminates sacrifice which is a disingenuous method of manipulating one's spouse

every sacrifice we ask of our partner or of ourselves is a step ~away~ from a mutually enjoyable relationship

think of the relationship ~itself~ as a third person in the marriage ... and choosing what is best for the relationship instead of what is best for only one partner .... does that make it easier?

Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders

not really

who defines "selfish" ?

If a decision does not create enthusiasm for both ... the decision needs to be negotiated until both are pleased with the decision <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> and the decision creates a compatible environment

The book is now called The One.

Personally, this is my favorite book of his. We had a Renter's relationship, and Harley says sooner or later Renter relationships become abusive. BOTH people feel like they got the short end of the stick.

Cherished

yes... because of the Renter's tendency to think that sacrifice is good for the relationship ... which is bullocky

OK...OK...I get it now.. POJA

COMPROMISE that is ENTHUSIASTIC AND GENUINE...NOT SACRIFICE...

I agree with this....

I knew you would Mimi ... but you were snagged a little on the verbage and the notion that 'sacrifice' is noble ... and it is noble in some circumstances ... but it makes for seriously UNbalanced marriages

SACRIFICE

Hearing the FOW tell my H: "Going back to her after I gave up everything for you?"

Ah-hah...the RENTER'S MENTALITY.....

[color:"red"] EGG ZAK LEE [/color]

Pep - Don't you think that some people are just naturally buyers? And some people just freeloaders?

I think I was a buyer in our marriage, but also in my job, my volunteer work, raising kids, in my education, in my friendships, and the rest of life.

My WH tends to stay at the freeloader/renter stage. He used to be a very good man. What I liked most about him was the way he treated everyone well. But he has an underlying weakness - like a renter, he is ready to move at the drop of a hat - if something looks like a better deal.

I am easily satisfied. If I buy a house, I love it. It can be a very humble home, not sparkling new, with the greatest view, or huge with all of the amenities, but I grow very attached.

I think personality and FOO has some bearing .. as does the current CULTURE of acceptance for infidelity in media of every sort.

Let me think about this for a little ...

Harley does say that none of us BEGIN a new relationship as a Buyer ...

Believer ... Harley talks about 'habit' and 'behavior' as difficult to change .... maybe that's what you are refering to ???

Dr Harley's daughter Jennifer and I discussed this in regards to my situation.

she said that right now my H and OW are both renters

and each has sacrificed up SO MUCH so they could be together-they started living together "evenly having sacrificed"

my H sacrificed a sports car he loved, a big new truck he traded in for a small used one, a home with a huge yard and a pool, the respect of his family especially his father, the lifestyle offerred by having two good incomes (and he still worried about money then!) and the peace of having no children, (which is so important to him), and both his dogs (he gets to visit them but he gave them up to me-if i move they are gone!) oh yeah...and a woman who loves him unconditionally! (a buyer!!)

these are the things that i know of that the OW sacrificed (I"m sure there are many more) LIVING WITH HER 4 CHILDREN!!!, she left her mother whose home she was living in and the affair has devestated her mother, a house with a pool, a husband who made enoguh money that she could be a stay at home mom (her husband said she never wanted to work) and her husband who was a buyer!

Jennifer said that eventually resentment will builds between them because of what they have given up

and the balance will shift-where one of them expects the other to give something up so they get something (ex: if OW wants to spend holidays with her children-she gets what she wants most but my H will have to settle for being alone or with his family or when OW goes to thier football games with her husband while my H sits at home alone

it's already started, OW had to go back to work part time

my H had to trade in his big, new for a small, used one so he could make payments on her new van

so the more this happens, AND JENNIFER SAID IT WILL HAPPEN, the more resentment builds and love busting occurs

they are renters....in this only as long as it makes them happy and gives them what they want

It won't be giving them what they want and they won't be happy

this is why affairs die a natural death

this is why she told me to hangg in even for another 1 1/2 years because in up to 2 years of living together, this should happen

she recommended this book to me

Pep- I'll have to get the book. I've read so many good things about it.

I'm just curious, because my personality is that of a buyer - but with everything. If I do volunteer work, I commit to doing a good job, looking for ways to improve, seeing it to the end, no matter what it takes. Same with friends.

I was reading something by Pittman last week, that the happiest marriages are where both people are EQUALLY invested, both doing the work. My marriage was never like that, nor was our family.

Won't make that mistake again.

I know you won't ... because you have learned so much !