A year and a half ago I found out my H was having an affair with his ex-wife. We've been separated, through counseling and up and down. Right now I'm down. Dr. Harley advocates the complete separation from the person who was complicit in the affair, however, everyone, including our counselor acknowledges that this isn't possible. They have children, grandchildren together...
How am I ever supposed to regain trust and get past the pain of rejection and the insecurity I live with daily?
As a newbie to this site, I suppose I will spend hours trying to learn from others, but any direction would be most appreciated

Not sure of the circumstances that lead to his D or your M. That info may help.

Whether you can tell more or not, it w/b wise to read Surviving an Affair, His Needs/Her Needs, the concepts section above, take the emotional needs questionnaire and call Steve H @ MB.

L.

I suppose it will be impossible to get honest answers without honest information. We were both separated but worked together and had an A. He divorced 2nd wife, I divorced my husband and we have been married for 10 years. Which of course I thought was miraculous given the circumstances of being a 3rd wife, and having married a man who cheated on both his first and 2nd wives. It's almost the most painful thing to write, thinking about how stupid that must sound. Anyway, I found out he had been having conversations, coffee and up to 12 phone calls a day with his first wife for about 8 months. We stayed together for a year, then separated for 4 months. Have done counseling, but not in the last few months. I'm just wondering if the whole thing is a lost cause.

Sounds like he is a serial cheater. JMHO, though. Why would his 1st want him back? What do you have to lose if he goes and what do you have to gain if he goes? Then the next set of questions: What do you have to lose if he stays vs what do you have to gain if he stays?

L.

I don't think she wants him back. They seem to gravitate toward each other when there is drama, (daughter in car accident), or happiness, (son got married), both of which happened in one year. Plus the sheer joy of grandchildren together keeps them bonded. I can't really ask him to completely separate from his ex-wife right? So how do you resolve that issue? I feel like I've backed myself into an impossible corner, and there is no answer to the problem. More likely just no answer I want to admit. Hello, stupid, what were you doing marrying a guy like that in the first place?

If they are bonding that much, u c/b a 3rd wheel. Not sure if you want t/b considered an option to your M. U R worth more than that right?

L.

My wounded self says, "perhaps".

Hugz..... reality hurts. I am sorry u r in such pain.

Though we don't really know each other, I think you should move forward with your life and put back the love of your life in yourself 1st, then allow only a valuable person to give you meaningful love.

No more A's, ok? U R worth more than that.

L.

Thank you for your kind words. Is there somewhere to find out what all the "shorthand" on the posts means? This is my first foray into a discussion forum, and I'm a little overwhelmed.

With gratitude,
M.

You are quite welcome. MB is a hard place t/b but at the very least, you will find that info here to help you grow. Our association here for the most part helps us improve ourselves.

Here's a link to the acronyms used here: MB acronyms

L.

Skigal, You and I have a lot in common. I don't have much time to post here right now but will get back on. I found out 10 wks ago my wife cheated on me with her ex and kicked her out. They had been D for 20 yrs. They have 2 sons who have had 1 granddaughter each in the last 1.5 yrs and I feel this drew then together/closer rekindling old feelings. I'll post more later.

No one has yet answered the question- Is it possible to ask them to completely separate from each other given the history, or am I dreaming? They wil obviously always have a connection, and is that something I should deal with or admit I can't deal with and move on?

Probably many people reading this are saying, "ah, she get's what she deserves", because I married a serial cheater, but I guess when it happens to you, somehow the rationalizations just keep on coming. Am trying hard not to feel like I "deserve" this since I should have known better than to get involved with him in the first place. He is a wonderful step father, great provider, good friend. So sad it has to come with so much baggage.

Skigel,
I am the daughter of a serial cheater. I can tell you that unfortuanately, a zebra never changes his stripes.
My father had numerous affairs during his 5 marriages.
None of his marriage were honest except his first marriage, which was to my mother.
At the ripe age of 77 years of age, my father decided that it is too much work being in relationships with woman.
I am sure he is thinking alot about his past behavior, especially watching me go through my own husbands EA.
My father will never be able to be in an exclusive marriage with anyone.
I hate to be the wet blanket, but felt you might be better off hearing and learning from my experience with my father.
By the way, ironicaly, each of the wives after my mother, were floored that my father could cheat on them, and then divorce them to marry his next wife.
My mother was the only one married to my father that didn't cheat to get him.

kdsheartbreak,

I know. That is what is so frustrating. I knew then, and I know now. But what do I do? I have a 3 teenage children and intertwined lives. Everyday I wonder- what life would be like to be free- of worry, of pain, or sorrow, of guilt of shame. How to get the freedom?

It is very scary to have boxed myself into this corner and knowing that I made a bad decision 10 years ago ehrn I took the chance that I'd be the only woman in the world to change him. What an age old sob story.

Maybe I'm in the wrong web site! Maybe I should be looking for a web site not focused on marriage building, but on how to cope with the decisions I've already made in my life. However, after reading some of the many posts that read like soap operas, I begin to rationalize that maybe my situation isn't "that bad" and that there is some way to build my marriage into something of value instead of a hollow and marginalized form of living.

Uhhh...Orchid...I don't quite understand why you qualify the serial cheater part with "sounds like".....you are trying to deliver this smoothly I know....but there is NO "sounds like" at all.....NOT ONCE, BUT TWICE....THREE TIMES (probably more)...

To the OP, sorry to see that you are in this predicament......I don't have advice to you...sorry.

Lem

Don't be so hard on yourself. The past is done, and choices have been made.

Why is it that you are now separated? Has the affair ended?

Unfortunately they will always have a past. My xh married his ow...and now they are tottering always on verge of divorce...and he's cheating also.

My xh's new wife...found my wedding portrait in the garage...gorgous portrait still in window of the photographer in the large TN town where we are from. she actually tried to give it back to me...why? she did want to erase me from history. I told her it's my xh's now. I didn't want it..but it was not HERS to toss away. She also found my old wedding ring I gave to my xh when I filed...along with note saying how I prayed one day my true and real H would give it back to me in future.

I said same thing. It is HIS. NOT yours. and part of my past. I told her she is in the present now...but my past is mine...and my xh's is his also. Quite possibly and sadly, he may be regretting some of his negative choices he has made during his cheating.

I hope and pray that you find peace. Unfortunately I am not a huge fan of the affair marriage and know that their successes is not that great in number.

I will pray for you for healing...and if your M is to be saved, will pray for healing.

But I don't sugarcoat anything. It is what it is.

I believe that a foundation where there are lies to begin with...only creates more.

I am sorry for your pain. It is wise to learn from our mistakes so we can go forward in the future.

We are not separated, but living in the same house, just separate lives. I'm trying to decide what to do, because I have no trust, no comfort and just uneasyness. I wish we could save our marriage, but don't know where to start with something so glaringly wrong. It has been 18 months since DDay and we stayed together for a year after DDay trying to work on things, then separated for 4 months and now he has been back for the balance, but things were so rosy when he moved back, promises etc., and now things are just back to the same- everything OK on the surface, but underneath all this hurt and nothing has been fixed.

I'll speak from the point of view of the child and daughter in law of divorced couples. Both of them are divorced because of affairs of the husband.

My parents have not seen each other in more than 20 years. It helps that my dad moved across country. My in laws have been divorced for 20 years. They have been together a few times over the years. It is never comfortable for anyone. In fact, we try to avoid the situation. We make sure others sit between them as in we keep them at the opposite ends of the table.

It is hard, but our kids appreciate the fact that every now and then they have both at the same event. My son graduated from high school this year. We managed to have them both at my house for lunch. One stayed in one living area and the other in another. When my son was small he couldn't figure out why we had 2 birthday parties. He didn't complain it just seemed odd to him.

Now, I will speak as a BS. I would not want my husband with the OW even if she was his ex-wife. I think that I would ask for NC and then ask for help from the adult children. Ask them to help you keep them separate. If there is a need for them to be at the same event, let them help you with the separation.

I think after 20 years, if my FIL acted interested my MIL would jump at the chance. I say ask for NC.

I just read your last response, do you not want to make your marriage work?

p