My WH and I live under the same roof and talk about anything and everything except our marriage, how we feel about anything more important than work and the children. It is almost as though we live lives that cross so marginally that I wonder why we bother.

When he was having his EA with his ex-wife, they were talking on the phone millions of times a day, meeting for coffee, etc. I never found out if it was a PA, but I suspect it was. Now I just wonder if he has gone back. When we were in counseling, she asked me what would make me feel better, and I said that if I knew when he talked to her, then it would at least make me feel not so in the dark. He agreed that he could let me know. We agreed that it was reasonable for them to talk a couple of times a month about kids, grandkids, alimony etc., but that it was not OK for them to be yammering on every day. My WS agreed to do that, but then he never once said, "oh, by the way, I talked to her today." It was like he said he would do the one thing that would make me feel better, but could never bring himself to do it.

He would say that it is because I raged, was so jealous and made it ****** when he would mention her, but the truth is that I spent years just smiling when her name came up and that it is just an excuse.

That is why I asked about the separation issue and what can I do? It isn't reasonable to expect him to not communicate at all, but given the history, how can I live with never knowing when he is leaning on her and not engaged in our marraige?

My h's present wife...actually phoned me a few months ago. she actually asked me this..."why is this happening to me?" "what did I do to deserve this?"

I told her she did not deserve to be treated this way. Not at all. I prayed with her.

But I said that 3 years ago...I said same things when she was living with my then H.

She now "gets it".

It is never too late to repent or change...or ask forgiveness and work to build a new foundation...much better than the one of old...which is one I do not btw acknowledge...an affair.

It would appear 2 other families suffered in order for you to have this marriage. If you can rebuild from a new foundation, then I see some hope. you and H would have to build a new foundation based on renewal of faith, forgiveness, and repentance...and then move forward together to ensure past mistakes do not continue in present or future.

Btw...your words reflect the feelings of a BS.

Now you walk in his xw's shoes. It does not feel good to be a Bs.

I do want my marriage to work, I just don't know how to move forward, how to trust, or who to trust. It is so weird, because if I was on the outside looking into my situation, I would be so judgemental and say that I got what I deserved, but being on the inside, I just wonder and wonder if there is anything salvagable. It is the classic, "that would never happen to me syndrom". Sometimes when I sit and realize that I am someone's third wife, it blows me away.

I am not stupid, I am not naive, so how did I get myself here, and more importantly, how do I repair, fix, overcome where I've allowed myself to be. I own my own business, am successful, well respected and in many aspects, someone others look up to; yet I feel like such a fake!

Frankly none if it feels good, the BS the OW. Just to set the record straight, his second wife had left him when we began the A. My ex was definately the victim as were my children because I was too afraid to try and fix my first marriage. Fear became the motivator for a way out, a very bad way out. I acknowledge all those mistakes and have done what I could to learn from my own. I have even grieved over the fact that I am the cause for my children not seeing their father in 5 years. He was so destroyed that he saw them briefly and then disappeared. They have never had the emotional or financial support of their father.

I take all the responsibilty for beginning that. No excuses or lies about my role. What I wanted was for the second time to be different. I can hear a bunch of you guffawing out there, but hope is a dangerous thing. My ability to cope and communicate with my second husband was not any better than the first. So now we have the repeat and I want to break the pattern or know that it is just impossible and move on.

I am again seriously sorry for your pain.

BUT THERE IS NO COMPARISON TO THE PAIN OF BEING A BS AND HAVING YOUR FAMILY RIPPED UP. The pain and agony I and my child went thru is unimaginable. I was in financial ruin...my xh spent 30k on his ow in just one weekend...but couldn't find reason why to pay us? But my son and I love each other fiercely...and our faith has kept us whole. Even when I felt that I was losing my mind and everything I ever once had. You cannot know. It is JUST NOT THE SAME...

The OP gets the best of life...the fantasy...the attention...and the BS gets the leftovers always. We are ones to pick up pieces of our lives. We took care of the kids, swept the floors, laundered the clothes, when our H's and W's were out there skipping out on their families...and yes, US too! There is nobody waiting at home for us...to say any kind words...the stress of being a single working mother is difficult. And yes, some would call me as well successful also.

Again, unless a new foundation is forged...and REPENTANCE is made...to your former H and his XW's and children..how can you begin a new future? You and your H must somehow try to do this together if your M is to work.

You must sweep the lies away...begin with truth and admit to all what happened. How you were wrong. and work together if you can do it, to start new. Please work also to heal the rift and pain caused to your xh and father to your kids.

If your M is to survive, something different must happen. Faith and forgiveness and REPENTENCE must be the order of the day. How can you expect anything different from future unles you make ways to make amends for your past? I say this to you in love, light and honesty.

Please work to make that happen.

So true, and having been both the OW and the BS, now I have seen both sides, so I doubt that whatever PAIN you have felt is any more severe than what I have caused and felt. I do my own laundry, sweep floors, look after my kids and my H's kids and grandkids.

I believe in the power of repentance, but first and foremost I believe in the power of responsibility. Even in light of my own cause of most of the problems, I never abandoned my children, never left them without support and love.

You say to "work to make that happen", and there are all kinds of MB suggestions, but few seem appropriate to my situation, but I'm new, so maybe I need to keep looking.

Any ideas from you all on this would be very helpful. I can't check his cell phone records anymore b/c he's with a new company. He has a new credit card, and I don't know the account number. I guess I could drive by their apartments this weekend and see if either of their cars are parked... that would insinuate that they're together, right?

The above was posted by sadmommy05, and I don't know how to find the thread again since I'm new at the format of discussion forums.

Does anyone know the answer to that question? I'd like to find out about phone calls, meetings and know the truth, but it seems impossible since I don't have any access to phone records, and when we were separated, my husband opened new credit card accounts, has a new phone through is work etc. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

I think you should simply follow the MB plan. I don't think that things can be "undone". The past is the past.

Are there things your husband has mentioned that bother him in your marriage?

believer,

I don't want to undo anything, just to know the truth so that I can decide what to do. I love my husband but trust is the major issue. I can't sleep or eat and don't undertand why this is coming up again so strongly after so long. It must be that it isn't resolved. After spending hours on this forum and reading so many stories, I wonder if I have what it takes to make it work. So much hurt and pain is out there.

My husband is German and I apologize in advance if I offend anyone, but he is very strict, tidy, particular and he married someone much, much different. It seems that lately everything I do and anything his step kids do bother the heck out of him. After I let him move back in, he was great, very giving and willing to do whatever, but after 6 months, we are right back to where we were when we split up.

Well, step kids are ALWAYS a problem. My WH and I raised 8 together. It was not easy. But that is no reason to give up on the marriage.

I would do the Plan A thing for awhile longer, stay here and get support, and get ready for Plan B.

If you can't eat or sleep, might be time to see your doctor for some anti-depressants. They really help.