I am wondering if it is unusal to feel sorry for WS, even though she has caused so much pain, anger, etc.......to me? I am only 1 month into my situation, but I see that she was starved for affection and I acknowledge that I am to blame for that. I feel bad for her, but still hold a great deal of resentment because she did not talk to me about the problems but instead went outside of the marriage to find what she "needed". I just wonder if feeling sorry for her is a normal emotion at any time during the recovery process for a BS.

Hi Krk,

I feel exactly the same. I have a huge guilt about my actions in causing my WW to feel neglected. I hurt as much when she is crying as when I am. Not least because I can't reach out to her, she doesn't want me to. However, now I'm six weeks in to the situation, whilst my feeling for her are as strong as ever I have begun to realise how much she has caused this. My WW has been giving me the 'I've spent years trying to save the marriage' speech and I look back and I've asked her...'When? What did you do to change yourself or to find out what I needed. Yes, I my have been absent in terms of affection, but I was always there for you. Since I found out I have achieved great things in myself and for myself. You made no such effort. You decided to find someone else instead.'

Plan A is helping me. I stopped smoking after 18 years on the second day. I eat better, I've joined clubs and I'm going to the gym three times a week and swim when I can. I feel terrible about the hurt I have caused my wife and worse that it may detroy my marriage, a marriage I didn't even know was bad. But I didn't cross the line. I am not a Christian and have no deep held beliefs. But I loved my wife and I love my wife, the hurt she has caused me far outweighs any feelings of neglect, true or otherwise rewritten, that she has felt.

When the sorow overwhelms me, I leave the house to cry. I am still there for my wife. I need to be strong. She is probably not going to be there for me.

As to whether it's normal? It's clear that you, like me, at least have a conscience and are capable of feeling remorse and guilt. Life got in the way of my marriage. I can't help that. I'm proud I at least feel it is worth saving and I'm proud that I feel sorrow at another persons suffering. The alternative is much much worse.

Um, I'm not sure whether I answered the question.:)

I think that feeling sorry perhaps is not as a good place as feeling compassion for the chaos and soul altering chaos that a WS is in...

infact blessed are WS that feel the negative and not stay or grab on to entitlement....

and blessed are the BS are that feel compassion for their chaos............

It is important that you do not excuse their behavior based on your feelings........
false recovery or attempting to downplay the acts of an affair...and attempting to move on without really really addressing and working through the affair....is an extremely dangerous route...

sad are the posters that come here years past an affair still stuck in a place of having a huge elephant sitting on their chest........

unrepentent are the WS who believe everyone should just move on.........

the more you can convey appropriate compassion without excusing.....the better you will recover as long as their is gut wrenching work going on............

how is recovery going
are you in counseling
is there established no contact
etc

the markers of the amount of effort and work she is doing should and can help ground your feelings

do not feel sorry for her
seek compassion

ARK

Thanks for both replies.

My WW does not really want to talk about things much at this point. The A was discovered, she did not tell me about it outright. She has since admitted to it and told me about all of the details. She just doesn't want to talk about, but rather I deal with it in my own way and move on. I have tried to tell her that I can not do it by myself. I think that she will eventually see that we can't save this marriage without mutal effort.

I do not intend in anyway to excuse what has been done because I feel sorry for her, she has to come to the realization that this is/was a devestating mistake.

As wantingtotry2 stated: She is probably not going to be there for me. WW has not really been there for me and I think it has to do with a total lack of self worth at this point. I do believe that she will come around though. She is adamant that she wants to save this marriage, but I am not sure how she wants to go about doing it yet.

I am not in counseling at this time, but am looking into it. There is NC at this time because the OP was my sisters husband, therefore the family is torn apart. This is a very complicated situation.

My D11 is torn apart and obviously doesn't want us to seperate. She stated that she did not want to be from a broken home.

are you in a strong strong plan A????

If not why

ark

I would not say that I am in a strong Plan A simply because I need to read more about it. I don't have a complete understanding of it yet. I have been doing some of the things suggested in it though. Mainly not committing LBs. I had no idea I was as strong as I am until this happened.

bumping a plan A post with lots of peoples input for you...

ark

Thanks, I could really use the help.