Hi all. Brief history since I don't post that often-M 11 years, H has 8 month old OC from a long term A that has now ended, and we have NC with OC or OW.

Some days seem so wonderful between H and me - like we've reconnected and things are on the right track. But then the doubt comes back to me and I wonder if he's really committed to changing his life for the better, even though he has given me no new reason to doubt. We are in counseling and the main issue we are working on now are the issues he has related to his mother's death when he was a teenager. I know that experience, and the unresolved feelings he has over it, has been a driving force in his inability to be truly committed to our M and be emotionally intimate. He is having trouble really dealing with his feelings about the A, and about his decision to have NC with OC. When I found out about OC I said H could try to save our M or have contact with the child - not both. He chose our M, which I am happy about, but I'm not sure he's taking ownership of the decision. I'm afraid that he only made that decision in some misguided attempt to make up for all that he's done to me. Whenever I tell him I need a little reassurance from him that we are still on track, and that he is truly committed to our M and to stick by his decision, he is unable to reassure me and gets angry because he feels that I am doubting/questioning him and he doesn't want to talk about it. On the other hand, he does then spend more time with me and do other non-verbal things to show how he feels. I think this is a case of me needing a verbal reassurance but him either not knowing how to do it or not wanting to do it, so he gives me non-verbal reassurance which is not as valuable to me. I just don't think he is emotionally in the right place now to learn about the difference in our emotional needs and how we both need to compromise to meet each other's needs. But I wonder how much time do I give him to be ready? I have asked him why he has decided that this is the time in his life that he is ready to address the issues of his mom's death, and to put his life on the right track and uphold the vows he made to me. I guess I wanted to hear that it was because when he was so close to losing me he finally understood how much I meant to him and how much he loved me. But all I got was an "I don't know. Can't I make a decision?" I think the root of my problem is that I'm not in control of whether he keeps his word or not and I hate that something so important is out of my control and I need to come to terms with that. Any suggestions on how????

I guess I just needed to vent some frustration and I'm so glad this board is here. I get so much encouragement from reading everyone's stories. Thanks for listening.

I really don't have any answers for you, but one thing that stuck out for me was the issues he is dealing with. I'm sure they affect his attitudes and thinking greatly and perhaps this is something he should be addressing in IC. As far as your M, it sounds like the questions you have posed here, could be posed in MC. i.e. Needing the verbal reassurance, how he is feeling about NC? Discussing those with a therapist present may make it something he is more able to do. With a counselor to guide you two through it, it may be more possible for you to get some answers from him. Complete honesty on both parts is essential in this time of recovery. JMO.