You posted on my other thread about the Lord working in mysterious ways. You said that you generally lurk or are on another forum. I do not know your story except an OC and infidelity are involved. I sense that you are in a lot of pain. This is on a separate thread because I wanted to make sure that you saw it.

About 3 months after DD, I was in a terrible place emotionally. WH had moved into an apartment about 2 months earlier and the A continued. I was in Plan A and trying hard to be nice to WH. Due to an activity with DS, WH and I spent several days driving to the activity and sitting together. Just before he picked me up one day, I found out that he was planning to make a major purchase: a large and expensive TV for his apartment. This was like a slap in the face to me. It was a breach of promise and a terrible sign that this apartment was not a temporary thing. I held it together during the activity but confronted him about it when he dropped me off late that night. WH responded with typical WS babble and fog.

I could not sleep at all. I was so upset and in such a turmoil. So, many tears and no comfort to be had. Of course, I had been praying since D-day. On this day, I prayed in a different way.

This was my prayer: God, I am so sad about WH and my marriage. I don't know what is going to happen. Dear God, I ask you to take my marriage and do with it what you will. Take my marriage and do what fits best into your plan. All I ask Lord, is that you give me the strength to deal with it.

I laid in the darkness spent and drained with tears pouring down my face. Suddenly, I could feel like I was slowly being filled up with warmth. Like warm water was being poured into me. I felt bouyant, loved and supported.

Have you ever seen the movie Tron? There's a part where the characters are low on energy. Their lights are dim. They cannot function. When they stumble upon an energy pool and drink from it, their bodies fill with power. From their mouths down, their lights gradually brighten along their whole bodies. They are functional again.

That was exactly how I felt.

This is the clearest manifestation I have ever had that God loves and cares for me. I don't go to church and consider myself more spiritual than religious. I know that God has my marriage. God will do what is right with it, not that I don't have to do my part.

Albany, give it up to God. They call it the prayer that never fails: Thy will be done. I cry when I think of that moment but gain great strength from it. I hope this helps you.

(((((((((Albany))))))))))))

Thanks Grapegirl

H is suppose to be moving into a house on one of the farms at his work. Yesterday he was an *ss when he came and picked up our soon. Then he actually stayed at our house last night (in the spare room-for the last three weeks). He said yesterday when he got our son that he pack last night some stuff but that never happened. I watched his facial expression change and vary last night-sometimes he looked pissed to be there and others he looked happy to be and he even stopped once and laid on our bed.

Who knows. Tonight we are suppose to take our son trick or treating. We will see what happens. I did tell him last night that I cared and did love him. HE said okay I had told him that and not to keep harping on the point--we will see.

If he moves out I believe it is over. I must put faith in god believe that what is meant to be god will have happen.

THe one thing I don't quite get is why god has brought him back to me three times and then he has him go again. I always figured if you loved someone you set them free and if it was meant to be they would be back which has happened but it has never been for good.

THanks for thinking of me grapegirl. I have done this for 2 1/2 years and every time I either sign D papers or push him to get them done he backs out and says he'll do counseling etc but then he never follows through and he doesn't even seem guilty for not following through.

I will give you update tomorrow morning.

He has always know that I held on to the house etc. so that if he wanted to come back it was all there still waiting.

I'm not doing that this time. I have to live for me and make decisions that will benefit me the most now for myslef and our son. H certainly isn't--he only sees satisifying his immediate needs.

How terrible to be in such turmoil for so long. As long as you are there, waiting and unchanged, your WH will always go back and forth. When he can see the consequences of his decisions, that the road will finally fork, then perhaps he will come to an awareness of what he will lose. You have been a very strong woman to have put up with this situation for this length of time. I don't think I could have.

Give it up to God. Maybe that will help you find the right pathway.

Hope you have as beautiful of weather for trick or treating as we have around here. For the first time in 3 years, it hasn't been snowy and cold.

I'm done Grape--I don't think he will ever change and if he does it will be too late.

He is moving out and all of his stuff will be out be this weekend and then I'm selling the house.

For now this is what is meant to be if God has some other plan he will reveal it later and if that plan is for my H to become enlightened and change great but for the mean time I have to live for me and our son.

He sits preaches that it is my fault--that I constantly nag him etc.--anythime I ask for him to do somethign it is naggin because he never does it until he is nagged and if you don't nag him it just doesn't get done.

Not saying that I'm perfect but I was willing to go to joint counseling to work on the breaking the vicious cycle etc but he wasn't so I can make him change. He either will never change or one day he will it will just probably be to late for us.

I don't see him ever being humble for his mistakes and I don't see him ever facing things and to quit show boating.

I'm at peace with it. I think he came back before because it was easy--I don't think he will come back again because he would have to work for it and honestly I haven't seen him truly work to hard to get anything.

He is an instant gratification guy and if he can't get it right away then he just figures out something that he can get right away--never saves to buy anything--he basically is a spoiled brat right now and acts about like a five year old and he is 30.

BUMP

Just another BUMP

Did you have a question?

I am so sorry this has happened. However I can see that you are dealing in a very good way. I hope all goes well.

No question just wanted to make sure grapegirl say it.

Hi Albany,

Sorry I haven't seen your post. Thank you for bumping it. These days, I'm a worker bee. After many years as a SAHM, I'm working fulltime in the school system. It takes a bite out of my day and I'm pretty tired by 3 pm but I'm glad I have a job. This is one of the ways I am dealing with my WH. It's barely at 1 year and I'm changing things. I still spend probably more time than I should on MB but it is my main support system.

Have you seen a lawyer? Before you sell your house, I suggest you talk to someone. Do you really need to sell your house or do you see it as a way of moving on? Have you thought about the custody and support situations?

Sometimes, I think we do get into a vicious circle with our WS. My WH doesn't like to be around me because I'm always so angry. However, he doesn't accept any of the responsiblity for making me angry. Like why in the world would I ever be angry at someone who lies, cheats and ignores his children? Inconceivable! On the other hand, WH thinks OW is mellow and fun to be with. Of course, she has her children only 50% of the time, stays at his place to avoid her long commute, lets him buy her presents and dinners and if she doesn't want to be around him, she goes off with one of other boyfriends.

A BS can never do anything right for their WS. We can Plan A as hard we can. We can make changes to ourselves. But, there's no guarentee our WS will never notice. However, we still come out better people.

Albany, do what you need to do to protect yourself and your family. Do not expect anything from your WH. Have you given up your marriage to God? Do you feel that the answer from God is to move on with your life? Maybe this moving on will be the thing that makes your WH situp and listen.

Take care and keep us posted. (((((((((Albany))))))))))

I have given it up to god--I'm mant tomove on either with or without him. I really don't think after the three times I have already taken him back after we have lived apart three times that this will be any different. Not saying it couldn't happen but I'm doubting it.

I'm selling the house because I can't afford to keep it and it will pay off debt and allow me buy another samller place without a huge shope etc. and get a different car and put money away. He can't touch the house it is financed in my parents name.

I want you to know that I still love him but if it is meant to be then it will be even after all this. He has to change though. He blames me for his unihappiness and says I'm so angry etc. also but he takes no responsibility for helping create that anger and other anger and frustration in my life--such as whole money spending issues. I write checks for bills and tell him xxx amount is in account but he just keeps using debit and ATmM and then when the checks hit I get overdraft fees. All summer I asked him repeatedly to not do this etc.--lots of stress on me etc.--makes me very cranky etc.--you get what I mean and nothing changed.

So I will never say never--he could change but int he mean time I have live me and our son and not keep waiting for the change because it may also never happen.

It is meant to be then this is gods way of getting me through while he figures it out and if not it still gods way of getting me through. So he will come around or not.

Even though I love him still so much I can't even say that year from now if he has came back that I would take him back because I have believed him three times and it wasn't the truth.

THanks for listening. You are doing great hang in there. It seems a bit harder when and OC resulted from the affair more emotions and harder things to overcome than without that perhaps. The OC/pregnancy board has been real slow lately so I have found comfort here.

Albany, you've got to start protecting yourself financially. Go see a lawyer. Start a new bank account for yourself. Don't let the guy sink you with his spending habits.

I think you said that the mother of the OC is out of your WH's life? How much contact does he have with OC? How do you order your pain? What's the worst? WH leaving now? The coming back and forth and the lies involved? Ending it? The OC? The original and subsequent affairs? His spending? Perhaps if you know what's really bothering you, it will help you deal with it. JMVHO.

I'm glad we can be of some comfort. {{{{{{{{Albany}}}}}}}}

(is that in like NY?)

I moved all money from joint account and he removed himself from the account yesterday--I checked to make sure.

Gotta run be right back and give a bit more of an extended update.

H moved bedroom set out, futon couch, futon chair and almost all his clothes last night. I'm keeping the good living room furniture but I have the spare bed now.

Not sure that he will ever figure it out but he may. Still feel like this is really the end of the line but won't Say it is for sure because one can't be sure yet.

He did tell me in near tears that he was sorry last night. I told him that was nice but I wonder how sorry and that he didn't know what he was losing and I said I don't think for that matter that either of us do but that I felt he should have done the counseling. I alos said that I have given him 10 years where he has had two affairs and then had a relationship with someone while we were apart and has had an OC with one of the affairs and I have dealt with it all and yet don't have much to show for my effort. Also stated that I don't feel that we tried at the same time or with third party as need so it was very counter productive. He walked away with a tear.

Had to call him on his way to his new place because I had gotten side tracked and realized I hadn't completely emptied one of the night stand draws from my side and he said he would bring the stuff tonight when he comes to get a table. Asked if he had help unloading and he said no and sounded really depressed--I just said okay bye.

He has to go through all this on his own and figure it out alone--he never has--so maybe this time he will and maybe he won't.

I just said it really could have worked if he had tried but it doesn't work by itself.

Hope he had a humble night--he needs a lot of that--he tends to be a show boater and hide his feelings. He has got to do this on his won and find his own happiness/peace instead of expecting to get it from something or someone.

Sad but making it. His sorry last night was honest but he isn't humble enough to do the work to make it work and he may never be.

Thanks grape for your support. I will answer your questions later when I have more time to write the responses.

Wh called and apologized profusly last night because he wasn't able to come over and get more stuff. Then went on to say that he was just tired of all the arguing and tired of disappointing me and tired of me disappointing him. He talked more about it last night then he ever has in the past few months on his own without me always pulling it out of him. Frustrates me!!! I could have been dealt with. I told him he keeps disappointing himself everytime we are together IMO because it all comes back to him--what he has done and he hasn't ever dealt with any of it yet I think which why we never move on.

Just hating my life today--sick, turning 30 tomorrow and really had wanted to be in a way different place in my life at thirty, soon to be laid-off so I have been looking for a job for awhile--not luck yet.

FRUSTRATED also because the holidays will suck like they did last year with nothing resolved.

Grape or anyone~

What do you make of him talking about it now that he is moving out and we are getting a D?? I'm sorry I disappoint him but he started this whole darn disappointing thing and we never seemed to move past it all.

Oh Albany, my feeling is that he's just jerking you around some more. It's just one more way of keeping you engaged. If he finds everything so disappointing, why doesn't he change things? He could leave. He could become a better husband. I think that the Freeloader concept fits him quite well.

Happy Birthday early. Do not think of 30 as old. Do not think of it as a horrible, horrible milestone. From this side of 30, 40 and well, on the fence of 50, it seems pretty darn young. In fact, 50 seems pretty good too. My biggest regret is that I'd always planned to be in Italy on my birthday. That didn't happen but it was a good birthday anyway.

There will be many of us around here who have the potential to have sucky holidays. For me last year was unbelievably horrible. I'm not going to let that happen this year. I'm making plans to have a different kind of holiday. I will be in control of it. Unless something extremely drastic happens, I will be in Plan B.

A, don't let your WH try to kiss and make up. This is the point where you protect yourself mentally. Just tell him, "Dude, you made your decision and you moved out. I find the lies and vacillation, beyond disappointing. If you do X, Y and Z, there might be a chance you could come back. You made your bed. Lie in it. Stay out of my life. Adios!"

I know he won't get it until he totally hits bottom and he hasn't yet until he doesn't have his best friend to run to anymore--which was me.

It hurts to have shut him out but I have to even though I still love him I can't keep living like this.

He is suppose to moe stuff tonight we will see.

I don't see thirty as old but I know that I'm not where I want to be at thirty. I wanted another child and a great marriage with a content husband.

HAHAHAHAHA

My WH isn't ever content--he gets one new toy and the he needs another shortly--nothing ever seems to be enough for him.

Happy Birthday, Albany!

Can you do something today just for you, no matter how small, it will be the thought that will count - thinking of you!

Remember, a WS (having been a H) knows all the buttons to push to get a BS to do what they want.

Please keep this in mind and find ways to protect yourself from being 'manipulated' - to do something you don't want to do!