I can't believe it! Or rather, for those of you who know my sitch, I can.

A friend half-invited me to a seminar he was hosting (in my field) last weekend. Then he kind of let the invite drop.

A second friend forwarded me the invite: WH/EXH? and OW were on the cc list. They have nothing to contribute to the gathering -- but I understand why the "friend" suddenly halted the invitation. He remembered who was on the list of a dozen invited.

Sure enough, today I get a phone call that he "forgot" to invite me -- and would I like to come tomorrow? I doubt my erstwhile beloved & OW could come -- I'm runner up.

This man and his wife have stabbed me repeatedly. They were very close friends -- but sycophancy counts more than friendship I guess.

I have three options:

1) Go and shine. Under normal circumstances, I might have swallowed the insult and done so. I've swallowed so much insult. I would be generally willing to encourage the friend's work.

2) Send a pleasant refusal, saying the invite had been forwarded to me several days ago by a mutual friend. Let them wonder if I noticed the cc list.

3) Say I cannot go and why -- that I do not wish to run into "them" there. This is likely to be confrontational, with patronizing little speeches about "getting over it." Or it will lead to that kind of blame, without any confrontation.

I have my stepkids over for dinner, so cannot write more. But I should respond tonight.

I'm so tired of dealing with this kind of crap, and could use some other thoughts.

4) Say you saw OW & WH on the cc: list and ask if they are coming. If not, then go! If they are or might, say "I'm not in the mood to run into them, don't want to make this awkward for you or anyone else either, think I'm gonna have to pass. Sorry."

Hey, there's nothing wrong with the truth!

Well, Mrs. S., I do feel like I am in a beauty contest, and I came in runner-up to a frog.

Finally got the forwarded email -- carefully redesigned not to mention any invitees.

I know U R a lady of class. Let 'em rot wondering why you didn't come. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

Orchid, didn't you think that tree story I sent you was weird?

OH AM, u didn't know? WS' can leap tall buildings in a single bound. BTW, they can climb up ladders and remove tree limbs with 1 good leg and 1 good arm. Balancing on a ladder and having the correct equipment is not necessary for a WS. They float on the fog. It is their balancing cushion. Didn't you know that?

Sorry to hear he hurt himself. Humans c/b injured. The mothership is perplexed why the human body is so fragile. Therefore, medical insurance is not provided by the mothership. Their universa insurance policy only covers the damage caused when a Xws is attempting transformation back to a spouse. Your WS is still paying on his alien premiums and is not qualified to file any claims for his mothership's insurance policy plan. LOL!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Weird aren't they!?!?!?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

L.

Actually, Orchid, this friend is husband of the woman -- my "friend" -- who sang at the fake wedding. (She sang at my wedding, too.) I've kind of shut them out, but had to deal with them because our daughters are friends.

Not responding is likely what they were expecting. I haven't been to their house except for a short parents' car pool meeting. Maybe a short note like Mrs. S. suggested, would let them know I'm aware of what they're pulling -- trying to suck up and keep my friendship, too. That might be a strong, dignified message that can't be argued with.

I'm so tired of sycophancy. I'm so tired of sucking up. WH/XH & OW aren't interested in them except for the thrill of subborning my friends. I know my friend (the wife) would have a deep disgust for OW.

I'm sorry. This whole thing just blows me away. These people used to be among my best friends. How can they be so CHEESY!?! Even D thinks this is pretty cheesy.

These are the people who WH sent to find out why I was delaying the D (I wasn't), and were very eager to act on behalf of WH. BOTH of them!

Now they are doing this weird doublehand, figuring I won't find out.

AMM,

All I have to say is this is some really crazy stuff. You are much better out of it.

Why on earth would these people want you to be part of this social function? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> They know the score. Not good for you.

Stay away and look forward to when you will be gone to another area after the children have graduated, etc.

Can you NOT hardly wait. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I truely understand that what you are going thru is beyond comprehension.

The sooner you are away, the better.

You deserve better. Oh, and by the way, have I told you lately that you are worthy, WORTHY. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Don't put up with this, anymore.

Look forward to the future, when all the kids are doing what they should, (however, they might not and it is okay) and then do what you really need to do after ALL this time.

love and prayers, and yes I am an eye roller, gets me in trouble all the time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

AM.

I sent it back as requested.

Now as for the cheesy part.... I think I smell a rat. A pair of rats. Don't you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

Do they think you are desperate for friends or something?

It might be time to be bold and disavow them of such illusions!

This is the reply which has class, so I vote for this.

As I said to you before I can't wait until you start to surround yourself with people who bring joy into your life, instead of the people who make you feel this way.

I feel for you. It is so weird which people end up supporting what is right and which go in the completely opposite direction. My SIL is "best friends" with the OW. I have known my SIL for 21 yrs and was there for the birth of all of her children and even cleaned up after her when she was sick. I never saw the OW around until the A. But they were supposed to be friends for "years". Whatever.

Now the OWs best friend calls me and tells me to hang in there and that she is praying for me and my family. Who knew?

It stinks to lose people you care about for no other reason than the heinous actions of a WS and the OP. You didn't deserve to be treated like that and hold your head up to them. They can know that you don't appreciate what they have done but don't let them see that they have hurt you. I would write them off as part of the Alien invasion. They say that you find out who your real friends are when you need them.

Much love and hugs to you.
Loni

Thanks, all.

Weaver, already sent it off before I got your advice. I said something simple and straightforward, about having received the email earlier from a friend who thought I would be interested, and thought, considering the guest list, that my attendance might create awkwardness. I thought it would be best to be honest in a situation where people are playing strange games.

Miss M, you're right. I dream of leaving soon.

Kayla, they might think I need friends. But I live so quietly and have had to drop so many friends -- I doubt they know very much about my life now. The reasons for the invitation was simple: I could have made a valuable contribution, we have been friends for twenty years, and we have many common interests. The reason for inviting "them" was pure sycophancy and status-seeking. WH/XH would have pontificated but knows little about the genre, OW would have offered some garbled input. But since he still hasn't been unseated as the alpha male, this would have counted more than friendship.

Since, weirdly, D is going over there today to be with their D (the two arranged this before this sitch cropped up), I doubt the show is over. I will have to drop off D and collect her while this is going on. Or they will have to drop her off at my house. It's going to be strange.

Will they reassure me that "they" won't be there -- hence revealing their hand? Or will they have the good sense to retreat to an embarrassed silence? Somehow, I don't think they embarrass easily anymore.

And they used to be such decent people. They've deteriorated. Their own D doesn't respect them and sees through all this.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

Friend just sent back email, simply saying "WH/XH & OW not coming" in the header! Like now that they've made their priorities clear I'm supposed to want to come!!! What the ... !!!!!

I thought my short email would evoke some guilt, if not embarrassment, at the way they proceeded about this. But they don't have enough conscience left even to feel a twinge of shame.

I can't think of anything to respond with except silence. But lordy! My D is over there right now. There's some sort of moral contagion roaring...

AM,

They just don't understand.

I came right out and told a friend of mine that if he acted like what ex had done (with property, hurting my DD, almost destroying me) was okay, and if he wouldn't stand up and let ex know it was NOT OKAY, then I didn't consider him a friend anymore. And I won't.

Thankfully my family and close friends will tolerate ex even less than my D and I will. If they played two faced or acted like what he had done didn't hurt us all terribly, then I would be terribly hurt.

I forgive my ex now, and hope that he finds forgiveness within, but it would hurt me more than I can say if those I loved acted like it never happened when around him.

I want them to at least express dissappointment/disgust before they forgive him (I am still only human and working on this).

It is so hard AM, but once I realized that my life will go on without him, regardless of what he does or with whom...I was set free. And with that I don't give a flying fig what others think, say, or do...but I want people around me who love ME, and so I disregard all the others.

Yes, Weaver, I know -- and I feel the same. The problem is, I'm in a small New Age "planned" community where its hard to avoid the Alpha (actually, Beta) male, and where there is enormous enabling. His problems are huge -- depression, stroke disabled, rage, pornography addiction, adultery -- and it's obvious to anyone not part of this mindset. OW has been a crazy hanging on the margins for years -- he isn't going to make her "normal," though I suspect that's what people are hoping.

I've basically had to almost completely end my social life to avoid hurtful incidents. I'm losing friends that I've had not for years, but in some cases for decades. When I don't hang out here, I get the "Why aren't you around anymore?" When I go in public -- there's a pie in the face. From FRIENDS!

Currently looking for a job in a major, anonymous city -- and I will scoot when D graduates.

I can't wait for the new life to begin. Sadly, these two friends' D knows what her parents have become -- and she is counting the days till she leaves. She knows they are ruthless social-climbers.

AM,

I can't believe it either!

How insensitive. They never should have put you in this position in the first place.

Unless you really want to go, even if WH was no longer going, I wouldn't go if you were only going to support your 'friends'. As the saying goes, with friends like these who needs.......

Wishing you the best in getting to move out to a 'healthier environment'.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{AM}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Actually, they didn't. That's what's so weird.

He:

1) Organized a writing workshop, and invited Jabba & OW so he would look like a bigshot. Friday 21st.

2) The next day before a concert, said that he had sent me an email. Then got all funny and cut himself off in mid-sentence. Since the concert was supposed to begin, no big deal. Saturday 22d.

3) I phone his voicemail, and say if he sent an email of any kind, I didn't get it. Sunday 23d.

********************* SILENCE *****************************

Sometime mid-week, I get the email from a friend, with the cc list including Jabba & OW -- I'm not on it. I understand why friend got funny at the concert. I doubt Jabba and OW will attend, so it's a wasted suck-up effort.

4) On Saturday, the 29th, I get an enthusiastic voicemail message from friend, saying he "forgot" to invite me to this wonderful event -- and very much hoping I'll come. He's sent the email.

I finally get email -- apparently redesigned for my benefit to omit cc list. (It also has the wrong date -- 23d October, which is already past.)

I send polite refusal, as suggested by Mrs. S. I was so flummoxed I couldn't think how to respond.

5) Sunday, the 30th October, day of the big event. I go into the city to go shopping. Friend sends email with subject header JABBA & OW NOT COMING! As if he were protecting me from something -- when, in fact, HE had invited them, HE had created the situation. And also sends a message through my D that "The coast is clear!" This is his idea of being discreet, but his own D seems uncomfortable and upset by the situation.

Where is this man's brain? Or, more to the point, where is his heart?

I'm sorry I even responded -- my short, polite refusal seems to be a new "event." There's nothing for me to do except retreat to my usual silence.

Have you had chance to pick up BOLD LOVE?

Page 252:

THE GIFT OF EXCOMMUNICATION : witholding of the relationship..it is not loving to continue an evil relationship with a person who consistently and perniciously sins against you without some sign of repentance and change...

In regards to others, the authors state: "it is not your responsibility ro counter every lie...in many cases, the more the gossip, the better the opportunity to shine with humbly passionate light....