a christian couple we know have marital problems and are in christian counselling. the couple are separated but not legally. when the husband calls my husband they talk for several hours,and it ends up in an arguement for us because the friend is so hurt and says stuff about his wife or another couple that is aware of their problems (also which the man has conflicts with). pretty soon my husband and I are in shouting match because my husband thinks i am not doing enough with the separated wife to encourage her to get back..the wife wants to get back but not right away lots of issues to deal with..i agree with him that it is good for the family to be together but when the man calls my husband has to ask me how i stand even though it is always the same. i think he wants me to be co-counsleor with him..i told him I am praying for them..but that doesn't seem enough...i dread everytime he tells me the guy called..my husband is a childhood friend of his. i have told my husband that their marriage is effecting ours. he doesn't see it..what can i do i am at wits end.

Send them to this website!!! Instead of using you as a sounding board, they can ask for adivce here.

You can show your support that way - I too have very good friends that are involved with my marital problems. I made it a point to let them know that I appreciate what they are doing(being intermediaries & I do believe WH is living with them now) but I in NO WAY expect them to resolve the situation for me. Sure, I hope that they will be a positive influence. But ultimately, it is up to my WH to change. Your H needs to be a good friend, but also not feel like he has to "get them back together."

You can only be supportive up to a point. You are not a MC. I don't think your H should expect you to do much more than what you are doing now.

Kim

thanks glad i got one your reply and you are on the other end of what i am dealing with. the part that bothers me is to him praying is not enough. guess i should assume that the Lord needs our help LOL he said i should call her and tell her not to leave but she is going to counseling and not planning to if things change. although we have known this couple for years we did not even know things were happening until it all blew up.so i guess where is the supposed deep friendship that my husband assumes we have now that this happened. we could have been there before and maybe maybe helped. H doesn't get this. thanks again empacotador

Tell your friends about this website. Give your husband plenty of admiration for being so willing to help out this couple. Many, many people now days are not willing to get involved.

Then tell your husband that the best possible thing he can do to help out this couple is to refer both of them to this site, and the Harley's. After that, he can ease up, because they will be getting expert counseling from the Harley's, and tons of support here.

the wife has gone to this site i don't think the husband has..my husband loves listening to bill harley but i can't convince him that what you are saying (i have said also) is letting God be God. that prayer is spiritual and physical. thanks

Give your husband lots of admiration, and calmly explain that most of the things people think of doing when confronting an affair are WRONG. He could be giving out bad advice.

Prayer is important. You are doing what you can do.

Gently let your husband know that the husband's best recourse would be counseling and posting here.

OH MY, RUN from what is happening. Offer loving prayer encouragement to both spouses, but don't become the counselor.

My wife became embroiled with her sisters affair ans separation and ultimate divorce and that diverted attention away from our marriage. We argued, she cried alot, etc.....

Please do not get involved. It is a sowing ground for distruction in your marriage. Send them here instead. (MB)

I aggree with believer on how to handle it with your husband. Be loving to him so he does not percieve the wrong thing from you.

Good luck and God's speed.

You know, you can't get into trouble by listening (at least you won't be shouting). Maybe all you need to do is listen to your husband's ideas about what you should say to this woman. If you can say this absolutely without sarcasm, ask him, "Sweetheart, suppose I do have a talk with Sarah Jane about her marriage. How do you see the conversation going? How about if you pretend to be me and I pretend to be her and we try it out?" It would be interesting to see what your H comes up with. Who knows, maybe you'll be persuaded that there is something you can say to the wife, or your H will realize that such a conversation is trickier than he thinks.

Do you think your husband is anxious about the state of your own marriage? Maybe he's afraid you are secretly cheering for this wife to leave her H, and that you would like to do the same. You could say something to him like, "H, you are really very anxious about Sarah Jane and Horace's marriage. Is it possible that some of your concern is really concern about our own marriage? If you are worried about our marriage, I think we need to talk about that instead of fighting about someone else's."

It might help to keep in mind that you are the one who controls your own mouth. You don't have to convince your H that it's not a good idea for you to talk to the wife-if you think it's a bad idea, don't do it. You can tell him you will continue to pray for the couple, and ask if he can agree to disagree on whether you can do more.