I am marking the occassion of the anniversary of Plan B...actually Plan B #2...November 1, 2004. I like most BS, remember D-Day but I am really celebrating Plan B anniversary because it was a declaration of independence. A declaration that I knew I would be okay with or without my H.

Many MB'ers are going through Plan B right now and I just want to let you know that it and more importantly, MB work. I got thru both my Plan B's by using it as a opportunity to grow. I pulled out a calendar and I had something planned everyday...whether it was going to a movie, working out, or taking a class. I stayed dark really dark during both Plan B's. I missed WS and saved voice mails so I could hear his voice, but I did not miss the daily torture.

A year later...I cannot say that we are one of those estatically happily recovered couples. We attended the MB seminar and coached with SH, but H stubbornly refuses to do assignments...still "knows better" and is defiant, like a child. His LBs have reduced, but he also does not fill my EN so I do not feel love for him. He doesn't want to work on M nor does he want to leave...does that make him a renter?

However it turns out, I am still celebrating Plan B...a day of freedom. I still support marriage. MB and SH have helped me to feel whole again...no matter what happens in my M....I want to be happy with him or someone else.

Like the name says...sure survivor....blessings those in Plan B.....you can do it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Good post SS. U R helping us see past the pain and into the future of survival.

I appreciate your post. Real life experiences really help bring the reality of our posts to those going through these hard times.

Mahalo,
L.

Hey Sweets! Good to hear from you. Sorry your H isn't on board (yet). Try and have patience ~ sometimes it takes longer than other for things to really work through their heads. I am confident that the lessons he needs to learn are arranged for him to find, when he is ready.

Peace to you, special lady.

Spidey

Two of my favorite people who got me through...thanks for writing tonight.

Orchid...{{{{{{{tink}}}}}}}}}}, me toasting my pina colada to you...your reverse babble still works to this day when H gets himself into a manipulative loop...I reverse babble him back so I don't get sucked in. Thank you so much for that and other wisdoms.

Spidey....{{{{{tink}}}}}}}}, me toasting my cabernet to you....it is a two drink night....I still workout to this day...you wisdom gave me insight and your workout suggestion gave me a healthier lifestyle. I saw your post on Steel Magnolia and was so glad that you are doing well. Thanks for your inspiration.

Two of my favorite people who helped me to get through...toasting to you tonight...thanks for joining me in the celebration...

Mixing drinks 2 nite? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Well at least u aren't driving. Posting on a 'puter s/b fun after a few more. LOL!!!!

RB is useful even for me. I used to work for a WS and his OP, let me tell you, that was almost as painful as living with a WS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Almost.... the good part is I could get out without a D. Might still need a lawyer (been highly suggested to me). But glad t/b away from that drama.

BTW, what your H is going through is very familar. Note that your H is already settled in his ways and I must say the male gender as a Xws makes him a slow learner. So please be patient but not tooo accomodating. I told mine it was his job to make me feel safe and happy. Yea, I get to play the princess now but I am a 'working princess'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> So while I still meet his needs, he is still in the 'make up' stage. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Am I milking this? You betcha'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L.

Thanks....Orchid...I am struggling and he is comfortable as you say, set in his ways. I have seen some improvement in his actions that I have not seen in a looooooooong time....but it is sooooooooo slowwwwwwwww. I am trying to give it time even though I am tired and just want to bail. Thank god for this place or I would have been out of here for sure.

I am going to pour us another drink...your glass seems to be empty. Thanks, Orchid. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the drink.... Yum!! I like 'em light and fruity. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Slow.... talk about slow.... mine thought he could use that excuse forever. I let him use it for a while them blew it out from under his keester. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I don't beat around the bush.... with my Xws, I let him know that he has had enough of his needs met. My turn and asked if he was up to it. First he tried to say no, I pulled out plan B. I don't play games and he knew it. If he was trolling for more time, he was informed the time was up. Not only was I willing to move forward w/o him....the reason I even allowed him back into our lives was because he asked to come back with the agreement he w/b willing t/d what it takes to win us back. So now he needed to put his actions where his mouth was.

As for my being tooo picky....well if he wanted to tag me that way he could.....as he was walking out the door. Well the Xws in him fought hard...but the fight was with himself. I was NOT going to tolerate his guilt in my life. He knew it. To this day, his job is to meet our needs. In turn he gets his met. Used t/b the other way around.

Know what? It works better even for him and we are all getting along much better. Funny how doing less got us more. Hm.... wish I could do that to my bank account. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

SS,

Thanks for the update.

I am a newbie. I would like to read up on your experience and circumstances.

Is there a thread you can refer me to, or can you give a quick summary?

I stress doing a very good paln B--i think if I actually had I wouldn't be here still and feel that a D is the only answer in my situation because I have let my WH come and go and he is not a believer in me so the only way he will believe I think is to be divorced and I think then it is to late for me even if he finally realizes it all.

So again if you do a Plan B hold real hard to it and make them a believer the first time around.

Lunamare, a quick summary of our story.

...H and I have been together for 23 years, no kids.
...H retired 7 years ago at 53 and I still work--the breadwinner.
...Major events that contributed to sending H to tailspin--2001-MIL diagnosed alzheimer, moves to assisted living, H is guardian, 2003-H's brother dies unexpectedly at age of 61 2001, my mom dies and leaves estate unsettled--takes 3 years to settle. (We have been together along time, but did not have the skills or the knowledge to weather what was happening to us.)

...H left for overseas trip March '04. That night, I found the "strange" email to OW on computer. "A" had been going on for six months. Confronted H next day on phone, he denied and then lied. Luckily, I found MB later that night. I studied and read and read and read...websight and begain my library on books on A.

...H came home from trip. He and I wrote NC letter, but contact continued. Began IC with SH on June '04 and Plan A'd for 7 months--filled his EN's when I could, few LBs. It was tough...I went through all the things that happen to BS's...instant diet--lost 20 lbs, went on AD's. He went to see her two times a week and got all "gussied" up when he did.

...H was leaving on another overseas trip on Sept. '04. I gave him Plan B letter--"I care about you and want to work it out, but don't come home until my safety can be committed to." A copy with to OW with the personalized note--very important.

...He was gone for three weeks and I did not take his calls. Plan B #1 When he was finally on his way back to the country, I spelled out the terms for his return, attended MB seminar, coach with SH and NC. He agreed and was good for several weeks even after attending seminar.

...Plan B #2..we were out of town at one of his shows. I caught him with his second cell, I asked to see it. He would not give it to me and started to yell and threaten. I calmly said okay and left. I packed my bags and left for the airport to catch a flight home..two days earlier than we planned. He freaked out and drove home, a three hour drive. I asked him to leave, he said no and I said fine, I will leave. And I left our house and went dark. He found where I was staying and followed me one morning. Then I moved again so he would not find me. As Harley would say, the WS return will not happen until the A ends and that is true with us. The A was hanging on by a thread with major LBs like OW's friend charging H with assault and then threatening to beat up H. Also OW lied to H all the time.

...we have coached with SH for about a year and it would be more effective if H was more cooperative. The only reason I am a whole person at all is because of MB and SH's coaching. BS's are the only hope a marriage has so you have to have alot of courage and go for the distance.

I am not sure if my story is helpful to you...but there it is. MB works and you can do this....it is very tough and if there is any hope at all...it will be because of MB. Keep posting and stay strong. Vent and gain strength here.

Thanks SS for taking the time to post a summary.

I really appreciate it.

You seem to be given it your all! Good luck.