And why do you think she told you that?

Think hard.

TA

.... and .... if this were true ... WHYINHELL would OW continue to put YOUR life at risk ??? hmmmmmm????

because it's bullocky, that's why

“OW told me that her H had told her that if he ever found out that she had an A, he would shoot the OM.”

Har, har, har...

When I confronted OM right after DDay he said FWW told him I would do the same sort of thing if I found out.

Har...

After we both had our say he jumped up, shook my hand and said, “Thank you for being so civil.”

Made me think we had just concluded a fantastic deal on a used car.

ROTFLMAO.

Well, we had our third annual neighborhood Halloween party tonight. A few weeks ago, W said she was not going to have it this year because she couldn't fathom the thought of having to plaster a smile on her face with me around like everything was ok. I told her that I thought it was a mistake that the kids were really looking forward to it. She consented and it happened.

I must say that it went off great. We worked on the party together and got things done together. No fighting, no arguing, no confrontations. Ironically, I think during the last couple of parties we threw on Halloween, there was resentment and hard feeling while we worked together. At least on my part. I probably swallowed my feelings and discontent like I generally do but this time I was a lot more "at peace". It felt really good. Everybody had a great time especially our 3 kids.

She told me I could stick around and eat some dinner after the kids went to bed. We just watched TV - no real talking (in fact, she fell asleep on couch). BUT, it was still a small glimmer of hope that she asked me to stick around. I'll hold on to it nonetheless. It will help me sleep better tonight even if it was just a figment of my imagination.

The NC made it another day. Today seemed tougher for some reason. Not sure why. However, I never picked up the phone or anything like that. I avoided answering phone calls at work just in case it was her. I just let the voice mail pick up. There was always a message showing me that it wasn't the OW.

As far as telling the OW's H, I still am in limbo over that. I just think if it was me and I knew my W and I were having problems and all of a sudden she started wanting to work it out, was nice to me, met my needs, etc... I would be happy with that. I don't think I would want to know. And I still am not in 100% agreement with those who think he wouldn't shoot me. I haven't ruled it out but I am just considering it still.

I appreciate the tough love, hard statements, and honest opinions I receive. Please keep posting as I do just to let me know that I am still in your thoughts. I know this is a long way from being better/over/whatever and I need your friendship. I REALLY APPRECIATE EVERY ONE OF YOU! You are being prayed for and I thank God for all of you.

Your friend,
SNT

I just think if it was me and I knew my W and I were having problems and all of a sudden she started wanting to work it out, was nice to me, met my needs, etc... I would be happy with that. I don't think I would want to know.

change your thought on that...
change your attitude...

the husband of your OW....as a human being has the right to make informed decisions....
as you do
as your wife does

affairs rob people of that right.

he alone has the right to know that he is married to someone capable of such pain and hurt to him and to someone that put his childrens lives at risk for becoming a broken family...

forced by their own mother to have strange men step in and play "father"..

it's not about you...and what you think you'd like to know

it's not about your OW and her insane ramblings that he would shoot you....if that was true...then how in Gods name did you call this OW friend have an affair and accept status quo that she was married to someone capable of murder...it doesn't even make sense...that you were so willing to have her in your bed...but not care enough about her to save her life...cause stastiically speaking...it is not you he would shoot but her........


illogical at best...........

You have to realize also that marriages hold great value and meaning in this world...and for you to claim that your marriage has meaning....you must speak for others as well..

meaning that in fixing this affair and coming to terms to the true sanctity of marriage you must also apply it to others....

you didn't respect your OW marriage enough to not cross boundaries...even early on your affair.........'
even inspite of her claims of how bad it may or may not have been...you alone stood to stop it..but you dismissed her vows

to stand for your own marriage now..you must also stand for others...otherwise you are using selective relativism...

this type of thought process are the type that helps solidify your own boundaries to never ever go down the affair path again...

so that in five years from now when you meet someone and they begin to lament how bad their marriage...you kindly let them know that you believe that they should address those issues with your spouse...and that you believe that marriages and people can change.....and that they should reveal these feeling to their spouse and not you..or anyone else

because is that not your goal here...to change your thinking....
to change from how easily you see marriage as disposable to something of meaning...
and again not just yours but everyones........

this is not to say that you become the marriage police..it is to say that YOU don't cross boundaries in to other peoples marriages...nor do you let them in to yours...

If your wife chooses to tell that is her choice...

heck if I knew you and your OW..I'd tell the husband...
for his own right to know...........
I believe in his right to choose whether he wants to be married to such a person...
as I always would want the choice offered to me..

ARK

SNT,

I have to agree with Ark. Her husband has the right to know and decide. She has been lying to her husband on a daily basis for over a year. That would seem to indicate she is not such an honest person. How do you know she has been truthful to you? (my H wasn't truthful to MOW) Maybe she is a serial cheater, and when you are out of the picture, she will replace you with the next available man. Her husband needs to know, there are too many diseases out there.

This is the story of my husband's ex-wife. When my husband was single, he met a married woman and had an affair with her. She eventually left her husband and married my H. Less than three years later, she left my husband for another man. When he told me the story I told him, "what did you expect? you married a cheater."

You said you were so impressed with how good she was with her kids compared to the way your wife was with yours. Pleeeeease, give me a break. I don't care how often she drove them places, she was taking time away from her family to f*** another woman's husband. She was endangering their family unit and putting her energy into cheating instead of improving her marriage to make it a stable and secure place for her children to grow in. And according to you, driving them places and being involved in their activities is more admirable than being faithful and trying to save your marriage, which is what your wife was doing.

The right thing to do if your marriage is not working too well is to put all your energy in trying to save it. If after enough time and effort has been put into it, you realize it is not savable, then you separate and then divorce. After sufficient time (to grieve) has passed, then you can think about dating again. To do it any other way is to do it the wrong way.

No contact is going to get harder. And I expect you to tell us every time you break no contact (I hope never), so we can "beat" you up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Carry a picture of your children with you at all times and when you feel like breaking no contact look at them, and think: "they come first, they are the most important thing in my life, they are counting on me."

I think your wife is going to give one LAST chance. Be strong. Don't make her regret it.

Ark is dead on, but you might not come to appreciate all those concepts for some time. Once you have a totally honest life and relationship, its like you are born again and want everyone to experience it.

However, if you write an apology letter to OW's husband informing him of the affair, and telling him you will never talk to his wife again, it will go a long way in demonstrating your sincerity to your wife today. You will demonstrate great courage. Tell your wife its the right thing to do, and you are a man that is struggling to do everything right, not hiding your mistakes and hoping they never surface. Every action you take from this point must be to protect your relationship w/ your wife.

In my situation, my husband cut off the affair around Christmas-and OW became very depressed. She couldn't function around the house, or take care of her kids. Her husband put a key logger on her computer, and found emails she had written to her girl friends about how she was missing him, etc. And you know, he showed up in April on my doorstep. So its possible the same thing could happen there-and if its a few months from now, you don't want that blow-up affecting your recovery. Get the fallout over all at once-and put it ALL behind you quickly.

Good morning.

Good points on telling the OW's H. I still need to think about it. Serial cheating can lead to diseases is a great point. I never thought of her as being a serial cheater and it is really hard to even consider that point but I know it is a good one. The point Lealas made about me admiring her doing things with her kids over my "should have been" disgust over crossing the A boundary is another good one. I guess since I had crossed to A boundary also at the time, it didn't seem that bad. Finally, I need to get some pics of kids. They were so cute last night in costumes. Everytime I look at them I think about how much I would miss them.

Here is my latest question. My W and I were active in a Bible Study that met once every couple of weeks. Tonight is the night. I know my W has confided in at least a few of the women about what has happened since they are her best friends. She told me she was going but I wasn't really "encouraged" to come. She told me she had a sitter lined up and I had the "night off" or something like that. It could be a test to see if I would CHOOSE to go to Bible Study. Or she may really want time alone with her friends. I hate when I feel like she is testing me. She did that a lot and it was one of the things that drove me away. Anyway, that is a tangent, what I really want to ask is do you guys think that it would be wise for me to show up to Bible Study and "confess" to them in front of W. If you are a BS, would you have wanted that? If you are a WS, did you ever do something like that? I can see where it would be right because these people were my friends also and I let them down. However, I don't want to embarass her or put her in the spotlight. Should I ask my W first or would it be more effective if I just showed up during the middle of it and did it?

Thanks, SNT

HAVE A GREAT DAY EVERYONE!

One more thing...

My W's birthday is early November and our 13th anniversary is late November. Any ideas? How much do I do? Of course, I need to remember both (LOL) but what sort of things do I do? Flowers? Gifts? I need some advice here.

why not offer your wife the chance to choose.....
tell you want to go...

and if she doesn't want you to..

why not go home and be with the kids while she goes...give her the freedom NOT to let her mind wander where you are..

have you informed her that you have gone no contact
have you given her access to cell phone bills and emails...

you should do that as well

ARK

And you weren't testing her every minute during your affair? Comparing her to OW? Setting her up for failure?

You need a prescription for self-inspection glasses .... you are very short-sighted.

SNT,

When are you counseling with one of the Harley's?

I read that you filled out a form, but if I were in your shoes, I'd make the phone call to get on the appt. schedule ASAP.

Many of the decisions in dealing with affairs are counter-intuitive. You can't afford to make further mistakes, and with MB counseling guiding your future choices, your chances of successfully saving your marriage are greatly improved.

In regards to going to the bible class. No game playing, call her and ask her what she would like for you to do. I wouldn't pull ANY surprises on her now.

SNT,

I agree with the other posters. Ask her, but if she won't tell you then tell her she doesn't need a babysitter, that you will be happy to have the chance to spend extra time with your kids.

As far as birthdays and anniversaries. Give it a lot of thought. Think of what she really wants. It doesn't have to be expensive, but thoughtful. If things between you are getting better, maybe you can plan a romantic trip, a weekend getaway just the two of you. But you know her best.

Good luck.

I am on the schedule for tomorrow morning at 9:30 Central time. I am very hopeful that I can receive some guidance on future decisions. I am hoping for nothing short of a miracle.

I know it has only been a few months of light searching to a few weeks of heavy digging but it seems like forever. Everytime my cell phone lights up with her ID, my stomach goes into a knot. I know this has to be normal but I am having a real hard time with it. Nothing compared to what she went through and is currently going through but....it just seems so counterproductive. You guys have posted me on this so I know that it is normal and OK for her to want details. Like today, I get a call before I have lunch with a minister friend and she wants to meet me at the cell phone store to print out all my text messages I ever sent or received. She has to know what they are going to say. There are going to be some that are emotional, some physical, and some that belittle my feelings towards her. I have already written my feelings anf received feedback but I just want to vent and this is the place. Sorry.

My minister friend also recommended that I ask her about tonight. So I called her and asked her. She said if it would make me feel better then I should do it. Then she said that what I had done over the last year had put shame on her and made her look like she was the crazy one. She said that would also be a reason to be there. She said she is not going to go after all so it will just be me. I kind of wish she would be there in a way so she could hear what I had to say but I guess it will get back to her.

While I was telling her this, she stopped me and just said, "Why are you doing this to me? Why can't you just admit you don't want to be married to me anymore and leave?" I told her I did want to be married to her. When I talk about it, it feels like I am talking about my evil twin. I just want to say, "It wasn't me. *I* wouldn't do anything like that. It was someone who looked like me." I feel so different now and when I look back I can't believe it was me who made those choices.

I told her about people who have spouses who had A's and say that they can't talk to them, when they go to MC the spouse sits quiet and looks mad, etc... I said I KNOW that was me. But looking back while I was in this fog, there was no amount of counseling, no amount of yelling, and no amount of being nice to me that could have shed it. The only way to do it was cold turkey NC. I said that was what happened. A crack addict can't say he is off crack if he still hits the needle every couple of weeks. I couldn't think clearly either with the OP in the picture. Now that it is over with NC, a whole separate view of the world, myself, my wife, and my family has opened up. It is really amazing. That is what I told her when she asked me why I wanted to be married to her.

I still need ideas for a birthday (11/9) and an anniversary (#13, 11/27).

Thanks all of you,
SNT

One thought for you - my WH bought me a beautiful emeral ring with diamonds -expensive very. I was very ynhappy with his gift. It felt like a bribe, to soon after D-day -two wks later. I call is my cheat ring - I took it - just in case I needed to sell it for extra cash. Have appraisal as well. I would rather have had some romance - something nice- I have asked him many times if he would dance with me. Has your W ever asked for something or for you to do something over the past year of your A that you did not do? Maybe that would be soemthing she would enjoy now.

SNT,

Glad to hear you have the appointment.

Get a spiral notebook and start writing down questions you may have....these are a good start -

still need ideas for a birthday (11/9) and an anniversary (#13, 11/27).

You'll want to have a pencil handy to take notes in your notebook. I coached with Steve Harley, and it was a enormously rewarding experience. He was able to help both my FWH and I through recovery in good form.

It wasn't painless, but we stopped making painful mistakes with each other....or better said, we made fewer painful mistakes with each other throughout recovery.

He'll give you much to think about, and help explain the emotions of your wife. He'll likely give you a homework assignment too - this is good from the standpoint that you'll finally feel you're doing something productive to rebuild your marriage.

The birthday and anniversry dates are coming up very fast...don't forget to as advice from your coach!

Good evening everyone!

My W actually told me that "Today was a great day!" I have not heard those words in so long. It got me a little choked up.

The advice you gave me about telling her before I made my "confession" to my Bible Study was right on. She decided not to go because she didn't want to get all emotional. However, I did it and they were so supportive as I knew they would be. However, my W told me it was so important to her because it was my idea and it was not something she told me to do in order to show me that I was serious. Maybe that is an idea for any WS's out there who want to get back in better with their BS. Do something that your spouse didn't ask you to do.

It is doubly important that this happened today. My W asked me if I wanted to go get something to eat after I did the Bible Study thing. While we were eating, she said she didn't know if she should tell me this or not but today was the day she was going to file for D. She didn't want to but couldn't think of any reason not to. However, when I told her what I wanted to do, it made her stop and put it off. She had already seen an attorney (unbeknownst to me) and got all the paperwork ready to sign. WOW! Whew! I am not saying it might not stil happen but what good timing. God was certainly looking after me by putting that idea in my head. I give Him all the credit.

She said "TODAY WAS A GREAT DAY".

God bless you all,
SNT

If you are computer savy you can put togther a powerpoint presentation with pictures of you and your wife story from the first years dating to your marriage pictures, births of your children, special occassions with music that will add a touch of sweetness, happiness and sadness to the moments. Maybe going down memory lane will give her something to hang onto. This thoughtful gift is one that money can't buy.

SNT,

You are a very brave man. I admire you for doing the right thing to try and save your marriage.

I do understand how your wife feels and she has right to those feelings. But what you have done in showing her your love and committment says volumns in my book.

it took a lot of courage to stand up in Bible Study to tell eveyone what you have done. To me this shows a man who is ready to accept what he has done and is ready to work on his marriage.

I wish my WH could do what you have done. Keep up the good work and continue to pray for Gods guidence through this rough time in your families life.

God Bless you and your wife....


Hurting

Mr & Mrs. SNT,

{{{hugz}}}} U 2 made me smile today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Aloha,
L.