Guess who? lol

I am reading a lot today so I will add in a bit more since you keep posting too.



Ok.This is an issue that has come up many times before.What you should be aware of is that at some point,it may come down to you changing your cell # so this OW cannot contact you again that way or risk it all so your customers don't have to make the dreadful task of actually dialing another number(insert a touch of sarcasm here). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

If the OW never contacts you again in any way,great.Problem A solved.BUT,do talk to your W about this.Read up on POJA ok? What you want is your W to be in on ALL details.The fact that you unilaterally decided to go out of the marriage and do all those things you did made her feel so completely inferior and unwanted/unloved you just can't know.She has to know you NOW include her in everything and this is a big part.This will also alleviate the anxiety that if the OW does indeed call again,you are both prepared to handle it in the way you both agreed to.So I think we are on the same page with that.



Careful.I can appreciate the idea that if all that transpired via e-mail is erased now that you are "protected" from the embarrassment of what was said and in all honesty,it may have just hurt your W even more so to see those types of things.It's like having a knife stuck in your heart and then watching it be twisted around each every time contact is made or another bit of residue from the A is revealed.Your W was a good sport letting that go and even laughing about it.But you must recognize when you are going into self protection mode and NOT doing what may be necessary to protect your *marriage.No hiding and deception anywhere.I think you understand.

You are very welcome for any help I can give and you take.There are many wondeful people on this site helping other's and I am just glad to be a part of it all.You're doing good~

O

I was serious when I told her that I was sorry the files were nonrecoverable. I would be lying (along with every other WS) if I said there was not some relief. She was the one that said it was probably for a reason. I think she feels that the time for "digging" is ending and the time for forward movement is starting.

I have really done a 180 on the whole being supportive of "digging" thing. She knows that I hope. Through my actions, I have tried not to pace or scream, just give her what she wants and bear the repercussions. That is the only way to do it. And just keep saying, "I am sorry." In way it sounds so lame to say that but it is the only word I know to use.

SNT

SNT,

GLad you liked counseling with SH. I wonder too why more people don't. I know it's $$$$, but whew, the amount of pain my husband and I saved ourselves and each other was well worth the $$$$ spent!

Glad you're working on your recovery plan with him. Keep us posted on how you're doing.

I said this on another thread, but will repeat it here. The number #1 EN for most BSs is Honesty & Openness.

It's a good thing to keep in mind as you're making your way through the mine field.

Your wife sounds like she is doing very well. God Bless her!

SNT --
Congrats on all of this! You are recovering yourself.

I'm a FWW. I can't stand the thought of who I was at the time of the A. Its quite a blessing to begin to feel good about yourself again. You're regaining your integrity, values and character. What a great feeling.

Please recognize that the text OW sent you was a lure. She wants to pull you back in by feeling concerned for her surgery. Its likely not true. Since this is her method of contact why don't you see if your cell company can block text messages?

I was in a long term affair (3/4 years? I forget now...lol)
I'm several years past it, and it still sickens me. I have zero respect, admiration or concern for him. Amazing, considering how strongly I THOUGHT I felt about him. You'll get to that place too.

Hang in there! Keep doing the right things!

Hey SNT-

I haven't posted on your thread, but thought I'd try to give you a little insight that might help you rebuild, my friend.

I'm a FBS...my wife had an online EA...and was all set to leave to live with the OM...even though they had never met.

I think you've done a great job with the NC...and now that you're learning to accept the 'digging', that goes a long way too. THAT was one of the first signs that my wife truly meant recovery...when she went from being angry that I was 'checking up on her' to where she told our MC "I don't mind if he looks at my emails and such. I realize that it's not that he's expecting to find something...he's doing it to reassure HIMSELF that everything is going well. I've got nothing to hide, and if it helps him to trust me again, then it's a good thing for him to do."

I just wanted to reiterate some of what the others have said. Realize that for most of us BS's, it's the shattered trust that's the biggest hurt...and takes the most work to rebuild. So by OFFERING anything you can to start demonstrating that trustworthiness, you would be doing your marriage a world of good in recovering. Ask if there is anything she wants/needs to know...be HONEST with her when she does have something. Another biggie...don't get hurt/angry/defensive when she reacts badly to something she's learned...it's part of the package.

The other thing that most BS's desperately need but often don't get is that their FWS's 'get it'. That they REALLY understand how badly they've been hurt by the A, that they REALLY regret what they did, that the accept the responsibility for it and are willing to do whatever it takes to help the BS recover from it.

If you do get it...make sure she knows. Apologies aren't enough. SHOW her you get it...find ways to clearly communicate to her how badly YOU feel for what you've done to her.

Please don't take this post as an attack...it's not. I'm just posting suggestions based on what I've seen here and experienced myself.

Good luck friend...I really do hope that you both work things out and recover well.

Just wanted to give you an update. I haven't posted on my own thread in a while.

Things are still going real well. Still have some blue moments on her part every once in a while but that is to be expected and I am patient. After they pass, she always tells me how nice it is for me to be patient. I say I will be patient as long as it takes.

I haven't had too many blue moments. This weekend she told me this song she had fallen in love with. Of course, it was the song the OW played all the time. Walked into a store and saw a hockey jersey of a team the OW loved. Guess there are always going to be little biting reminders. Oh well. They had a little effect on me this weekend but not enough to pursue ANY contact at all.

Thanks again to all who helped me through this either on the thread or through prayer. I hope you are all doing well.

SNT

The "honeymoon" of early recovery may hit a rather large BUMP around 6-8 months ... don't let it scare you ..... keep posting ... you are an asset to the board! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />