I asked my husband of 18 years to move out 6 weeks ago after I discovered he was having excessively long telephone conversation with a married mutal friend and a woman at work. When I check the cell phone records now, only the calls to me or the kids or his family are there. I shouldn't have let him know, I realize that now, but I found MB after I asked him to move out. Long story, won't bore anyone to death. He is a recovering alcoholic, stopped drinking 3 months ago. He says he needs "time" and his space and he refuses to come back into the same situation we had before he left. I have never has EA's PA' or any other A's in the 25 years we have been together. I negelected his emotional needs out of ignorance and withdrawl from him when he was drunk (every day after work). I work (make a little more money than he does), do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning and activities with the kids. I am somewhat overweight but I take care of myself. I stopped complaining or even acknowledging his alcohol intake several years ago. He began having problems with sexual dysfunction about 2 years ago, I attributed it to the alcohol or lack of attraction to me. My biggest flaw in this marriage has been the mismanagement of our money. I ruined our credit with late pays. I turned all the bills over to him 2 years ago when we moved back to our hometown. I don't drink, do drugs and I rarely smoke a cigarette. I know in my gut he has/is having an affair. Earlier in the year I found condoms in a travel bag of his. He had a vasectomy years ago. He told me that he heard they would "help him last longer". Funny thing is, I am allergic to latex. He said several months ago he bought them for our foster son who asked him to. I reminded them that he had them before the foster son was in the house. I asked him why, he replied "I don't know." I need suggestions on how to gather information from those that have had to do this. I exposed his EA with our mutual friend to her husband and my H was furious because he "lost two friend because I got them involved!" RIGHT!! I have read the entire MB site, I have been applying the prinicpals, and he is being nice when we see each other. He is a much better father since he left but I don't know if it is because he is now sober. I feel cheated. I deserve to be with the man that is now sober, I earned it by putting up with all of his sh** for many years. Also, he told me he didn't have an affair but there is certain things you "can't talk to your wife about. Like how she won't have sex, or keep the house the way he thinks it should be kept, or he's not in love with me anymore." So, he talked to these other women instead. I had to have a hysterectomy in June that I had put off for over 5 years out of fear. Sex was painful most of the time and I avoided it because of his drinking (it's hard to face that your husband has to have beer goggles on to have sex with you) and because of the pain from the act itself. He knew it hurt, sometimes I would cry but try not to let him know. I love my husband but I have needs to and I don't know how long I can keep letting him "have his space" or how much "time" to give hime. HELP!!!

So I'm assuming he moved out like you asked? If so not sure why you want to spy right now. I would say you need to ask him if he feels this marriage is worth saving. If both you feel that it is, I say get into some marriage counseling ASAP. Everything you said here needs to be brought up in counseling.

From what you have said, sounds like there is something really up where he is concerned. I would imagine the best way to handle it is not to bagger him or falsely accuse him of anything just yet. Your main question to him should be, "do you want to save this marriage?" Then you go from there.


Joe

Thanks for the reply JoeCool. We have had one serious relationship discussion since he moved out. I told him that I still loved him deeply and that my asking him to leave was a knee-jerk reaction to the pain of finding out about the EA's. We have been to marriage counseling but the counselor was horrible (answered her cellphone during our sessions, forgetting our names, etc...). He would not go to another one after that. He told me that he needed time and space, both of which I am giving him. I have not brought up the EA's since our talk last month. The reasson I am asking for tips on how to gather information is because I want to know for myself if I these intense feelings that he is cheating are true or not so I can let it go. He told our daughter that he was getting a new cell phone...

I understand. However just because that one counselor was not a good one doesn't mean there aren't others out there that are like that. Emotional Affairs are far worse than pyhiscal ones because of the bond that is formed. I would think that would be proof enough. However, I understand that you're wanting to find out if a pyhsical one is going on as well.

Him getting another cell phone is a key right there. However being that he moved out it would be kind of hard to tell if he was involved or not since his behavior is not there at your house. The only thing I know to tell you if you want the hard cold truth, is to either follow him, have someone you know and trust do that, or fork out some money for a PI. I still say its all in what you both want to do. The EA was bad enough, if you find out for sure he is having an PA as well will that change things? Are you wanting evidence to get out of the marriage?

I say since the EA is bad enough if you both want to save it then try finding another counselor in your area. Not ALL the time, but SOMETIMES when someone says they need/want space, its because theres usually someone esle waiting in the wings. Like I said not ALL the time but SOMETIMES thats the case.


Joe

"How You Can Quickly and Easily Discover If Your Partner
Is Cheating On You...

©catchacheat.com.

Here's a link for ya

Spying 101