Haven't posted in a long time - 2+ years into recovery and still taking it day by day. I have seen quite a lot of discussion lately about no contact with the OP

My Husbands OP lives approx 1 mile from us. Her children attend the same school as mine. There is occasional accidental contact but for sure Back to school Nights are a nightmare. I cannot even attend a joyous occasion for my children without fear and anxiety. What a great gift from my husband.

My question is that I still harbor so much hatred for her and resentment towards my WH. I have tried to move on and do what is right for my kids. My husband and I have made great strides in recovering the marriage and figuring out where we went wrong. But When I see this piece of sh** OW, I go into a tail spin. I can't stand the site of her and become angry and withdrawn. My husband then becomes defensive and things snowball from there. I have brought up moving several times. My husband says whatever - but I know it will leave lasting resentment and completely uproot my kids.

Has anyone ever successfully recovered where the other person remains close by. Can you ever really expect that your Wayward spouse is not reminising about their love affair even with accidental contact.

SOrry if this is all over the place - but I guess I had hoped that posting on Marriage Builders 2 years after the fact would have not been necessary!

This is exactly why Harley is "adamant" that contact ends for life. You can never recover from the affair as long as you are continually reminded of it. Here you are over 2+ years away from the affair and still dealing with this. Your H cannot recover as long as he is constantly dragged back to Day 1 of recovery.

You have to move because of his affair, and no other reason. In your fear of some nebulous "resentment" you are sacrificing your marriage. The one who should be concerned about resentment is your H, who has placed your family in this terrible predicament by having an affair.

Mel's right.

Personally I think that OP should be ones forced to move...but since it's not a law or anything...

you do what you have to do to make your marriage and family work.

this piece of poo is NOT worth any more stress on your family. think what op would want...they'd want you to fail!

be the opposite. heal. be a healing champ now..and if it takes foryou to heal that you move, your fwh should move heaven and earth to get you all to a new home that will feel safe and be a happy home environment so you all can move forward together.

move is best. harley is right.

and until the laws change, this is what you gotta do. contact must cease.

Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Harley's words to a WS:

"Once you are through withdrawal, however, you are ready for marital reconciliation because then, and only then, does your husband have a chance to deposit love units. Your mood will improve dramatically, and the effort your husband makes to meet your needs will reap impressive dividends. Before long, you will be in love with him again.

But if you give into your craving before withdrawal has ended, and contact your lover, the period of withdrawal will begin all over again. Those feelings of anxiety and depression will come back with a vengeance. All of your efforts to reconcile with your husband will be wasted, and it will test the limits of your husband's patience. So you must take extraordinary precautions to avoid ever seeing or communicating with him again.

from Four Rules to Guide
Marital Recovery After an Affair http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

If you really want to do your kids a favor, POJA this dilemma with your husband until you come up with something that excites BOTH OF YOU .... the kids will be better off if their parents are happily married AWAY from the OW.

Learn the rules of POJA and DO IT!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html

READ THIS

then USE this tool to make a marriage environment where BOTH spouses feel welcome and cared for

if you continue to SACRIFICE your well-being ... the way you are currently doing ... your marriage will be like living in a hellonearth nightmare....

it is not good for your marriage for YOU to submit yourself to this torture

come up with a PLAN with your husband .... sit down with him and a blank piece of paper and just start brainstorming .... don't omit ideas that sound too wild .... have fun planting seeds for future dreams ... if you do this right it will not seem like "punishment" for his crimes to your husband .... but will seem like an adventure you are excited to take together

I would think it would be a great new start to get the heck away from the homewrecking OW once and for all.I agree with Peachy that the OP should be MADE to move but since we can't really have that(yet) then you should seriously consider it.Yes the kids may be uprooted for now but like Pep said it's not worth the expense(emotional,physical,mental) to be living with this OW basically right next door.

If your FWH says "Whatever" then take CHARGE and make it happen.Living where you do now is obviously having a very negative effect on your lives and marriage.

O