Here in the last 5 years me and my husband have grown apart, we hurt each other with our words, we fight about everything, I am just so tired of this cycle we go in I am ready to file for divorce, but I just can't, he is all I have know since I was 16, I am now 27. We have 2 childern, and he would rather golf than be with us, he comes home from work everyday and goes straight to the couch, never helps at home with anything but cutting the grass. I work full time and go to school full time when I ask for help he just tells me I am taking on to much and I do not need to go to collage anyway. I have been bring up the point that we do not get along and I want this marrige to work but for that to happen we both need to make changes, he told me that this is me you like it or not I am not changing, how do I get him to relize that we have a problem, he thinks I just am ready into things and I am acting CRAZY, for me to just take my medicene, I am on anti-deoresson pills, my mother is bi-polar so when ever he gets mad at me or does not like what I am saying he yells go take your meds, you must have forgot, How do I get him to relize we need help or we will not make it?

husband will not admit we need help. multiple choice

divorce (0%, 0 Votes)

look the other way (0%, 0 Votes)

No Votes Yet Voting on this poll ends: 10/30/05 08:54 PM

Welcome to MB. You asked one question in your title and a completely different one in the poll.

First, I think you should read a lot of the articles on this site as well as the book his needs/her needs.

I would encourage you to do the emotional needs survey with your husband.

I'm sure some more experienced MB folks will come along, but don't rush into anything.

p

Jennifer,

I'm so glad you're here at MB. Your post really reached in me and pulled me back to a time, feeling very much the way you do now. You sound overwhelmed, giving it all out without reciprocation; feeling disrespected, used and unloved.

I remember that. And I remember how my H told me it was my problem--no meds, just my broken self. He said the same thing--I am what I am. Like it or lump it. He said he was incapable of being any different.

Who is he today, two years later? Someone who does caring, supportive things for me; shares his feelings, thoughts and ideas with me. He likes to sit with me, even while I do chores or work on the computer. He really sees me and smiles.

What brought it about? Changing myself. I was full of resentment, compiling a lot of facts as to why I felt so angry, rejected and miserable. You're not alone. You didn't choose badly, go in blindly, anymore than the rest of us. I promise you, reading Dr. Harley's stuff is invaluable--better than college. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> His Needs Her Needs is awesome.

And other stuff along the way. Five Languages of Love by Chapman; Facing Love Addiction; Co-dependent No More; Healing the Shame that Binds Us by Bradshaw.

If you could have a loving, intact family in two years, would reading all these books, opening yourself to your self again, and your husband, be worth it?

You're here, and willing. I think you're hungry for some truth instead of others' opinions about your life. You can do this. You won't have to do it alone.

LA

Thanks, but my problem like I was saying is my husband will not even look at any thing to help us see what we may be doing wrong he just would rather pretend that everything is like stepford.

I thank you for that , I love my husband , I just wish he would relize how I feel instead of just saying I am crazy, I have been working on myself but I get scared becouse the more I take time for me I am starting to wonder if he really fits into my future and I hate that I feel that way.

"I have been working on myself but I get scared becouse the more I take time for me I am starting to wonder if he really fits into my future and I hate that I feel that way."

Sounds like you're doing to yourself what you dislike your H doing to you--hating the way you feel. You hate feeling a certain way. From your previous post, it sounded like what you most wanted from your spouse was to acknowledge your feelings. Do you acknowledge your own? Do you discern a thought (belief) from a feeling?

"I feel unsafe when I think about a future with my H."
"I feel scared of where my life is going."
"What if I do all this stuff and it doesn't work out?"

Which of those sentences are feelings and which ones are thoughts?

The last one could say, "I want to know certainty. I want to know the future." That would be honest. But how reasonable?

You want most to have your H say, "I hear you saying that you're scared. I hear you saying that you don't feel connected to me and therefore, really unsafe. I hear you saying that you are worried about us staying together, and when I say that I won't leave you, that doesn't give you a secure feeling."

The inner work is doing this for yourself, first. Saying what it is you are feeling and acknowledging those feelings. They are what they are. Pardon me for thinking you don't do this already, if you are doing that. Taking care of yourself mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually isn't to save a marriage; it's to save yourself. Your marriage just benefits greatly from it.

When I took the focus off of my H and what he wasn't giving me, and started looking inside at those same things that I wasn't giving to myself, then my relationships improved. They had to. I stopped wanting externally what I in plenty to give myself. I had to listen to myself--comprehend and restate my own feelings and thoughts right back to myself. I found even I wasn't listening but assuming within me.

I had to read the books, do the course, for understanding myself and where my needs come from--which ones that had risen to a demand that my H met (and to what degree), and those that I neglected so badly meeting in myself. I think that's why journaling is so beneficial--it's the EN of conversation with yourself. A way to speak and be heard inside. The affection EN seemed like something I was hopeless to fill myself. Surprisingly, massaging my feet (which I neglected and abused for years), caring for my skin, giving self-hugs along with words of self-support met a lot of the extreme need within myself, lessening the constant demand on my H.

I craved openness and honesty because I wasn't doing that inside at all. All the thoughts that just jumped through my head were welcomed and ignored. I had to challenge my automatic (hidden) beliefs that were handing me the emotions of resentment, anger, frustration and disappointment. I thought Angry Outbursts were okay because they came from my intent to be open and honest. Yeah, I was really back-a##wards, I know this now. Heck, I thought selfish demands were taking care of myself--standing up for what I needed!

I started going to the gym, at first as a desperate attempt to reclaim my old self image. Then, as a sanctuary from stress. Slowly, the more routine I developed, the self-esteem began to build; not for how I looked, but that I consistently did this as an action to take care of myself. I slept, thought, and felt better. Clarity set in about the six month. Thinking clearly is such a gift. This coincided with my finally understanding to the bone that I could only control myself. Period. No human has anything else but their own soul and it was time to face my manipulations that kept telling myself it wasn't true. Al-Anon really got me there.

Developing a code for myself really helped. What was most important to me? Honesty, appreciation, consideration, acceptance and effort. I figured those out from looking at what I most demanded of my H to give me. And they were what I most lacked in giving to him, and to myself. My code is what I expect to give to others, and want in return, thereby setting up my boundaries: Dishonesty, selfish demands, dishonor and rejection. I had to end up dropping effort--because it's unnecessary and really contrary to acceptance. I got rid of that one when I uncovered my deep belief that people were lazy (like me) and that was a mortal sin. I changed "lazy" to willing or unwilling and go back to acceptance when that frustration arises. If that doesn't work, I use focussed or unfocussed as the evaluative point. That makes the acceptance get to truer than not. I'm talking about judging myself and others. I haven't wiped the comparison habit out, yet. But I'm working on it.

Being true to myself meant that when my H would say, "You're just being unreasonable (or crazy, or emotional)" that my response to take care of myself would be, "I'm hearing that you judge me to be crazy for feeling lied to when you say you're going to do something and then you don't." I stopped looking for instant change, or answers, and focussed on making sure I was being authentic. Not basing my actions/words on outcome.

I learned to stop talking and listen to him. I became safe for him to say things and acknowledged him like I wanted to be acknowledged. I gave him affection when I didn't feel like it and loved myself after a moment for then really feeling great that I do this. I love. It's not dependent on his love in return. It's not a ball I say "enough!!" and walk home with. The more authentically I demonstrate my love, the more I am content with my H. It's not a manipulation, it truly is salvation for me. The beauty of Plan A is it is a life-long lesson.

I don't worry about the future because I don't know. It's not predicated on his actions, just mine.

I don't worry about the past, either, because I accept it. I did those things. He did those things. All that means is that they were done. It tells me of what we are capable, and drives my acceptance of our totality; what humans are, in sickness and health, good times and terrible ones, we are.

Only the present matters, practicing my code, guarding my boundaries, and making sure I'm doing so with myself, most of all.

Jennifer, you're not going to manipulate safety from your husband, or security from decisions. You aren't going to force your husband to change from a demand of "do it my way or the highway." The urge to do so, for me, was because at the base of all of it, I didn't feel loved--cherished. I was looking to the actions of my husband to tell me what I most wanted to know in myself--I'm worth it. I'm worth all of "it." That's not crazy. You are human and therefore worth it.

Did you read those books? Are you looking to replace him with someone less broken? From experience, I can tell you, he's irreplaceable. You can't fix yourself with someone better because you take yourself with you, wherever you go. Our spouses are our best life-guides. They give us all the important challenges from within ourselves, and help us work them out--even when they do nothing at all.

To give you some hope--after all this (and continuing to do it), my H will catch himself, "Oh, I guess I was assuming again. Sorry about that. How do you feel when I do ___?"

Heaven. I am heard. I am acknowledged. I had to get there from stopping all my assumptions and demands. Takes maintanence, but Harley's stuff works. And I apply it to work and family relationships, too. But first, I apply it within.

LA

Before my W and I recovered our R, there wasn't too much that would convince me it was broken.

Then she kicked me out on my kiester, and was that an eye opener.

Sometimes you just have to draw the line. Just be sure you can stand it if you do.

In any case, there is lots of material on this site to go through before you have to get too drastic.