WH came over today to see daughter and spent the day with us. Even ate dinner as a family. I don't want to get my hopes up to high because next Sunday might be a bummer.
We accually talked quite a bit I laid it all out there, I told him I didn't want to ride this rollercoaster with him and that he could ride by himself.
I told him that I couldn't make him love me, want me or be with me but I tell you I love you and your family and home are here when you are ready.
I told him that I was putting this all in God's hands.
He told me that he was at a crossroads in his life and he didn't know anything anymore andhe didn't know what to do.
Then he left and went back to ow apartment.......
Why do I love him so much!!!!!

WoL,

Sending u an {{{MB Hug}}}.

Why do you love him? You don't love the WS, you love and want your H back. You may have seen a little bit of him tonight.

Depending on the type of OW, expect to see a lot of drama over the next couple of weeks. OW may feel threatened..... and may go psycho. Expect it and be prepared.

You did fine. You let him know you don't want to be part of the A. Now don't remind him u w/b waiting for him. If you do so, he may try to play both sides of the fence and that would put you back in the A game.

L.

Thanks Orchid
The ow is bipolar w/personallity disorder and kind of out there. That kind of worries me. I wonder whay he sees in her? Thanks for the info on not telling him I'll be waiting.

Ok, knowing this will help you greatly..... if the OW is psycho there are ways to cause LBs with their R by you without you having to lift a finger. It will test your skills and you will need to develope lots of patience. Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and work on your reverse babble skills.

Most important....read Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs.

Psycho OWs are the best kind to spook. I dealt with one and yea, I wondered by my WS would even hook up with such a psycho. Yet he did and regrets it to this day. The OW in my case even accused the WS of commiting 'emotional adultery' against her on 1 of his recovery missions (when he came back to his family). The nut even went so far as to call me to tell me that she was married to the WS and I was not. Good thing by then, I had my reverse babble skills down pat. I calmly listened to her and then asked where was her license...... I had mine, where was her's? LOL!!! It left her speechless....from what I've heard that's quite a feat! LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

Okay you made me chuckle. She is a strange person, she keeps telling my 21 year old son that she is going to be his step mother soon. He keeps telling his dad, in front of her, when are you going to get rid of the crazy b**ch.
Wh keeps telling son that he doesn't know why she keeps telling him that because it ain't going to happen.
All she does is get drunk, I still don't see what he sees in her. I don't think it will last long. WH says it's like an addiction.

It's not what he 'sees' in her....he doesn't really see anything of value, it is what he imagines he sees in her...... he is smart enough to admit to your son M ain't gonna happen with the OW. Time for someone to let the OW know that. Those are the times where you can send an LB (love bustin' kind) with a flick of your finger. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

In my case, the WS told me he would never marry a controlling OW, like PBR (Psycho Babble Rabbit - OW's given MB name - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> ). Funny.....controlling what was I was accused of being. LOL!!! In reality the OW was poesseive, evil, manipulative and highly controlling. Everything he didn't want.... he got. Yet it was addictive. Why? Who knows but it was.

So that is what I was up against w/o warning. MB here helped me see that. Stubborn as I was, it was difficult to realize. Time was on my side and in time I saw it all....ugly, stinky and dispicable. That allowed my heart and mind to sync up and then I could move forward. With a clear mind and a calm heart, I learned to id my boundaries, execute a fair plan A, then plan B.....headed to D and reverse babbled to keep up my moral. It worked.

The point was, I was making it work for me. In time my WS decided he didn't want t/b a WS anymore. I reminded him of his previous choices and all our suffering. I even told him with all our misery, somebody had better be happy. It wasn't our family and I didn't care about the OW's happiness so the WS had BETTER be happy. WS don't like t/b told what t/d so this boomerranged big time in his brain. Like an android given conflicting instructions, he almost went into overload. OW was convinced he was happy, now I was demanding he be happy but his WS programming required that I as the BS NOT be happy so how could he be happy, make me miserable when I demanded he be happy? It gave him a big headache. BINGO!!! Target was hit! Yea that sent him spinning and that was my initial goal. Keeping the WS off balance does wonders for crushing the A. I even told him for every moment of happiness and laughter with the OW, his son and I w/b in the background mourning the loss of our H and father. I told him that as he was looking at his reflection in the mirror with me in the background. Very visual. AFter that I found out the WS couldn't do it (in bed) with the OW..... something about bad memories. LOL!!! LB from afar!!! See?!?!?! That's how it's done.

You figure out what is best for you. Basic steps to read and figure out your boundaries. The rest will come.

take care,
L.

Thanks Orchid for the info.

I have set bounderies and told him that he is welcome to come home s soon as the affair is over and he attends counseling to get our marriage back on track. I have exposed affair to anyone and everyone including ow parents.

I am in counseling to improve myself. The C is pro marriage. She said give it some time and he will crash big time.

Wh has already been fired from his job been evicted from one apt. Is behind on all his bills, so hopefully it won't be long.

He did find another job and will be moving into his own apt. the 11 of Nov. Let's see how that comes out.

The ow is giving him money for gas, buying booze, etc. Pretty good since she lives in low income housing and on SSI. Hopefully she will see that he is mooching because I am not giving him any money to support his affair.

I still don't know how to spook this ow because I don't care to see or talk to her!!!!!!!!!!!

WotL,

You sound grounded. That's good. Looks like you are implementing well and have good support.

Mine went through about 6 jobs in 3 years. YIKES!!! Seems like each boss was stupid or a jerk....yea right. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

OW wanted to support him also while telling me I was only taking him for his $$. WHAT?!?!? I was the prime wage earner, the one with a steady job and keeping our family afloat. Stupid OW.

Now here's where I think you can do some of those LB's from afar.....

Call housing or the welfare agency in your area. Report the OW as one who is housing others in her home on welfare $$ for alcohol. What she is doing is abuse to the system. Yea, many do it but it still is not right.

JMHO,
L.

Orchid
I know Wh thinks it's everyone else's fault but their's.
The boss did it to him...

Now he works 35 minutes away from our house and an hour away from hers. He is still in training (prison guard)
and has a room at the dorm there, She gives him money for gas so he will come to see her on the weekends and sometimes during the week.

When he gets his apt he will only be 5 minutes from our house and 25 minutes from her. I hope we will see more of him and he will see less of her.

I did call Child Protective Srvs on her in August because she was leaving her 2 kids alone on weekends to be with my WH. I guess nothing happened. But others have called.

I was thinking of calling welfare because she is on welfare and food stamps and my WH has been living with her for about 11/2 months without cash to give for groceries. So they use the food stamps. BTW when I did call the last time she did go into the hopital for 1 week because she lost it and my husband took care of the kids for 2 days.
Made me pretty angry. He moved back home for 3 days and when she got out of the hospital he moved back out. He's trying to rescue her. I told him no more moving in until it was over.
Her Doctor told her to stop the affair because they are destoying each other. I guess that doesn't bother them.....

Howzit?

L.

Just to let you know of the update... WH came by on Monday to pick up a check that came to the house. He just got his first paycheck for his new job. He was all shakey, I asked him what was wrong and he said he didn't have enough money to pay all his bills. I told him I'm sure you will find a way to make it. He only gets paid once a month. HeHe

My son was at work and his dad called him to go and have a couple of beers with him when he got off. Apparently OW went PSYCHO on WH, throwing stuff, yelling, screaming, and threw his keys at him and told him to get out. HeHeHe
He spent the night at his apt that the electricity has'nt been turned on yet. Poor baby!!!!!

My son told him that if he saw her again he didn't want to talk to him again and not to call him.

So what do you think? Is he getting ready to hit bottom?

He certainly is headed in that direction. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Now if he should come crawling to you, what r u going t/d?

L.

He told my son that being with OW was a very rocky road.

What will I do? Like I said before, I would not take him back unless the A was over. NC, NC letter, etc. He also must go to counseling to get our marriage back on track.
Anymore suggestion?

Orchid, I really do appreciate your responses and advise!!!

I've got some suggestions...

When you H hits bottom he is going to be a mess... insist he see a medical doctor

1. get on anti-depressants if needed
2. get FULL range of STD testing
3. might need a protective order to keep crazy woman away from you and yours

good luck

I feel pretty sorry for your husband ... he has soooo much self-loathing right now

Pepper

Thanks for your suggestions, very good ideas.

I found out he went over there "One time" last night. I told him if that's what he wants make sure life insurance is enough.LOL
It didn't sound like he stayed but I wouldn't put it past him. You know the saying "I'm addicted.

I forgot, he told my son that he didn't care about anything anymore, ow, me, family, house, job.
DEPRESSION????

I would not Plan A this sort of affair for very long ...

why a shortened Plan A?

Because your contributions to the marriage have likely been above par for quite some time already ...

Your H is likely one of the sort of infidels who NEEDS a push with a really good Plan B .... maybe give Plan A a few weeks (4-6) longer to get your Plan B ducks lined up ... then cut him off from your light

be certain family money is not entirely available to him

BIG TIME YES

Can you call his doctor ???

Your husband may become suicidal if left to his own devices.

I was thinking of Plan b because he's in and out of the fog seconds at a time. I'll my h for a few and right back he goes into fogland.
I worry about the depression also. I'm watching and I will ask my C what she thinks. My husband really doesn't have a regular doctor...retired military, and he would have to go himself but if I see anything out of the ordinary I will jump in and call a mental health advisor.

if he makes any sort of threat ... report it

tell your adult son to do the same

it's so sad, isn't it?

does he have firearms?