Hello, everyone. This is my first post.

I am very sad and I have expressed this to my husband time and again. He "dismisses" my feelings by telling me that there is not any problem at all. He works a lot! I am very understanding about that and his need to feel like a good provider, but he does not "need" to work so much and does so by choice. Although we are just fine financially, and no debt, there is just never enough money as far as he's concerned.

My emotional needs and my sexual needs are not met and I have expressed this to him for years now, especially my emotional needs. There is little to no conversation or sex and I have expressed my sadness about this. Being "present" in the house is not the same as "conversation" or "intimacy" or "quality time" between us. He just doesn't get it.

In addition, I have health problems that have not afforded me the ability to function regularly in the capacities that I used to maintain in running the household. He has voiced his frustration about that and it is getting better with some time-management, help from the kids, and better planning by me. I have asked my husband if this is why he is so distant, he insists that he is not distant at all and is "right here for keeps." He sees this as "my" problem. I see it as being a normal human being with needs that aren't met, just like any other normal human being under the circumstances.

I have asked him to participate in possible remedies for these problems and he agrees that he will but has yet to follow through (for years now). Clearly, my feelings and clearing up these problems are not a priority to him!

What does a hurting spouse do when the other spouse says "everything is okay, here for keeps," won't participate, and ignores the feelings and needs of the other??

Neither one of us want a divorce, but he refuses to address this!! And I'm getting very tired of feeling sad and crying all the time. I feel so rejected!

And he is right!!

After sifting through these forums and informational Q & A's, I can see that "I'm" the problem.

I am sick, sleeping on the couch due to illness ... sleeping when he is home (and I am not giving him credit because he's still made plenty of time to be home with us), I have been ignoring him. I have also not been doing the things I could be doing. I have not initiated sex, intimacy, quality time, etc., etc. I have been unavailable for him to initiate!

Poor Little ME!! I owe that man an apology, and my role as his wife!! I got lost in my own self-pity given my own situation (illness, having to leave the work force, etc.) and he is getting the blame. Why? Because I have been playing the "blame game" when there is no blame to be had ... just LOOKING for someone, something, reasons to blame. And he just happens to be the target since he's right here!

Shame on me!! I am behaving like an irresponsible brat, I have not accepted my circumstances and I'm taking it out on him.

I'm glad I came here to these boards, BEFORE my marriage fails! And I will return regularly to keep my eyes open so that I am not again blinded by my own self-pity!

Let my "grieving process" begin, which is only about me and my personal losses. He has taken care of EVERYTHING, the kids, the household, the finances, the shopping, the cooking, the cleaning -- for 5.5 solid years. I'm just "starting" to recover from the health problems so the "feelings" about my situation have come to the surface. I just kept going and going, working on the health matters, getting treatments ... just trying to cope with that. Now it's over and I'm finally starting to move again, but my life will never be the same and I will never fully recover healthwise. I have not accepted that, I thought I had ... but I have not. After all that man has done, and stayed with me through it all, he is nothing short of a saint in my eyes!

And I'm here whining for attention from him! PATHETIC! I am taking these blinders off now!

Awesome revalation (((2 Tears))).... I can relate to the health issues and how they can rule your life, if you choose not to. It's a tough deal. Well it sounds like you had a big break through today, I'd love to be a fly on the wall when you profess your feelings to your hubby........

Bill,

Thank you. I've been struggling since the health problems began in '96 (a long and slow progression). He has been nothing but supportive and I'm just feeling SO DARNED NEEDY these past few months since I've gotten up! I lost a great career, the ability to physically function as a Mother, Wife, Friend; I lost my sense of purpose and slipped into a major depression. I spent four years in bed or on the couch. I guess it's all just hitting me now, all these losses. The guilt and the shame, watching him come home after working long hours and having to do everything -- and in the midst of my self-pity, I had forgotten ALL of that!

I think it's fear because I feel like I "lack" so. I'm afraid he sees that I'm now an insecure and fearful person, and not as attractive, obviously. But he tells me this is not so and that I have handled my situation exceptionally well, I just wish I believed that. I do on the "surface" but it hasn't soaked in yet. I suppose that's because I'm now at a turning point in my life ... I'm up now, I'm starting all over, where do I go from here?!

Also, my husband cheated repeatedly from 1986 - 1989, multiple partners (sex/relationship addiction). I found out on Dec. 18, 2000, and I went into shock and had to be hospitalized it was so devastating. However, he had already gotten help and recovered himself ... but our marriage suffered tremendously and I was stuck in a constant state of confusion. He quit the behaviors, but the "fallout" effected the marriage (not knowing how to express intimacy, sex v. intimacy, etc.) so we had to go to counseling due to my shock and for him to heal completely. I was also shocked, heartbroken, and devastated when I found out why and how his problems developed. I don't really know which one of us suffered more.

I just know that this came back to haunt me, only due to my own insecurities.

And although he did the physical cheating, there are other ways we can cheat on our spouse besides infidelity ... by not pulling our own weight in the relationship in other ways. Although nothing justifies infidelity, at least I understand why, and I also understand that a lot of our problems were my fault too. It truly does take two.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that I'm cheating on my husband ... only in a different way.

Where ever you want to go..... As someone who spent months, not years, flat on my back with a broken body and bruised spirit, one thing I did learn was how powerless I was over life and the events in it. All we have is today, that's it and we must live it to the fullest. Fill it with life, love, and laughter.

You sound like your health is improving, I don't know about your mobility or resources. But if you are able, you ought to spend the week planning a wonderful romantic night with your hubby. And during that evening share with him how wonderful he is/was by picking up the slack and running with it. Express your heart felt gratitude to him.

Pity time is over, get out that checkbook and start filling his love bank.

Bill,
Great advice! Thank you so much! He phoned me "just because" he loves me, like always ... and I told him that I'm sorry that I've been such the "bricklayer" and shut him out. He is very happy and excited. No passing out Halloween candy for us tonight ... we're headed for the "Romance Room!"

Guess our house will get TP'd, oh well .... LOL

Night, & Thanks

Git 'er Done...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

One other tidbet that I've learned the hardway and that is a positive attitude changes everything. Myself, as I looked around, I found it very hard to come up with that attitude when I looked at all the negitives/problems in my life. I felt like I desired, deserved, and was entitled to more of this that and the other.

But one day while relishing all I didn't have I decided to follow someones advice and do the opposite of that and look at what I had and what I truly was grateful for. Soon thereafter I came into possession of an "Attitude of Gratitude", WOW, what a life changer that was. It's amazing how much better your vision is when you're looking up then when you are looking down.......

Bill,

We had a wonderful night. I picked up the house so he would have no "domestic duties" to tend to (I didn't clean everything, but what "needed" to be done got done). I had dinner ready and I got all fixed up. Yep ... he was impressed. We turned off all the lights in the house and curled up in our "Romance Room." LOL

And you are so right about that "Attitude of Gratitude" and I need to make that list when I'm on my pity-pot! There's always so many things to be grateful for! I got "stuck" and I'm so glad I came to this site. A lot of things hit home. Especially how selfishly I've been behaving.

Bill, it's so nice to have met you! KIT!

~ Kathie

BTW ... our house did not get TP'd. LOL



Some Info. (maybe I should put this in my signature)
H is 41
W (me) is 39
Lived together since '83
Married in '91
Two Children, Ages 21 & 13
And forgot this part: I am up and moving again, it's up to me. I tire easily being down so long, but I have full use of everything ... just need to "exercise" it all. I have a few remaining problems, but they are treatable and can be controlled, mostly sleep disorders (sleep apnea/seasonal affective disorder/insomnia/delayed sleep phase syndrome, seizures, hypothyroidism), resulting from head trauma. Diagnosed as "Progressive Neurological Damage due to Head Trauma." But the progression has peaked and ended, and for that, I am VERY GRATEFUL. So I have full use of everything and I am sane. LOL The more I move, the more I'll move.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Seriously, AWESOME.... Yipee.... That's kewl.. A decision is an amazing tool often left in the toolbox until it's desperately needed. So now you've made one and as long as you keep doing the next right thing, I think all will be well.

From your description it sounds like you've been through a pretty tramatic life changing event, had one of those myself, the trick is to make the changes for the better. When I wake up crippled with pain in my legs and back/pelvic pain that would choke a mule, I have a choice. I can choose to be as I feel or be grateful despite how I feel and for me, I choose the latter and it ain't failed me yet.

About 6 months before my wreck I was giving a sermon as a Lay Speaker. During this time my life was in turmoil and I read these words and marked them in my Bible



Now I ain't going to lie, after my wreck I was terribly confused and miserable. I put on an act for all around me but inside I was crying. Then one day about 6 months after my wreck I picked up my bible again and that passage was marked and I read those words. By the time I read them, I was already building character as a result of my suffering and I saw it in action. I don't think any scripture ever spoke to me as those words did and still do today. And because of all of that happened before and all that has happened since, I now possess that all elusive thing called HOPE.....

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

Bill,

I cannot express my thrill at having met you! And there are so many wonderful people here. God puts people in our lives at exactly the right moment! I will pray for your healing, it sounds like you were in a terrible accident.

During these years, I have really developed a partnership with the Lord. I pray constantly ... not just "formally" but also just talk, even in my mind. I've been reading the Bible; I try to read every day, but must admit, I don't. Yesterday, I prayed about my pain and logged on to the computer ... having no idea where it would take me. One thing I did know, I missed my husband and could relate to the pain; but God brought me here to heal. I know that now.

In addition, I just returned from my doctor's appointment. As it turns out, my hypothyroidism returned and I needed an increase in my Levoxyl ... now, that explains it! I prayed for help and I got it, in SO MANY ways! Being so early in my recovery is very exciting (not from the health issues but from my lack of Partnership with Our Father!). That is what came first, then I started getting better physically. I got on my knees in the hospital that day when I found out my husband cheated ... little did I know that He would carry me through so many lessons yet to come!!

I truly believe that I had been ignoring all His "taps on my shoulder" (yes, I heard His calls) so He made sure he got my attention this time! LOL

Prayers, Thoughts, Blessings & Hugs to you as well, my new friend. Thank you for being you!!

Kathie

Boy can I relate..I try to meantion problems I have usually I get the dismiss or lecture when all i want is him to listen. recently my father died and when 1 day I meantioned something personal about how I felt sad his response was well he is dead not much you can do about that..13 years earlier I got a response when i meantioned i was sad over my mother's death his response was aren't you over it yet? currently both of his parents are living but one has alzheimers so I guess he will hopefully feel a sense of loss and reality. I have found some good friends or people that have gone through similar experiences can really help to vent..I also go to my bible and pray & cry to the Lord since he is a best friend and understands..this has made me comforted.