I was reading through a lot of posts. I ended up reading one from a woman who was wondering what to do is you realized you never loved your husband. I'm wondering the same thing.

Been married 13 yrs., 2 kids, H-40, Me-39. Remember before getting married I was always hoping someone would tell me he was not the man I should be marrying. He definately was not my idea of what I wanted in a husband growing up. Being romantic and doing romantic gestures is not a natural thing inside him. Do you know what I mean. For instance someone had given a shower gift of some champagne and bubbles for the tub. We tried to do the bubble bath thing and it just felt really silly with him. Over the years the sex/intimate part of the relationship has not been good. I just do not want him to touch me. I do not want sex with him. I hate the way he touches me and I know it will not end with satisfactory results for both. He has a problem finishing and I just can't get excited for him.

So now comes to the problem of what happened. Because of all this, is that why I ended up so attracted to another man? This OM was always attracted to me from the beginning of the time we met. He is a co-worker. We enlisted in that harmless, joking flirtation you do with other co-workers. The kind that everyone does. Eventually I started thinking I wish I wasn't married I could really go for him. He ended up dating then living with someone. I realized I was jealous! They broke up and we continued with an even more flirtatious relationship. The attraction kept growing. We went out for a drink and I thought I could be with him. It didn't go anywhere from there. He is a good guy and didn't want to wreck a marriage. He ended up with another woman and they moved in together. Again I was jealous. This OM was everything I had always wanted in a husband, but didn't end up with. Their relationship never really worked from the start and he confided in me. We talked about our respective relationships with our others. After they broke up is when our affair started. I know I didn't have to meet with him. I know I didn't have to engage in the affair, But I couldn't help myself. I really wanted to be with him. I did develop very strong feelings with him and our affair ended when he moved to a different part of the state. He ended up coming back to work 4 mths. later. I was devastated. If he had but asked, I would have left my husband for him. What kind of person does this make me? I feel so selfish and horrible.

I finally told my husband because I thought I wasn't able to move forward in our marriage with that hanging over my head. Now that we have talked and he's over his initial shock, he wants to make it work. I am still trying to figure out if I can feel for him the way I should. I feel awful about it. He doesn't derserve anything less than a great wife. I don't know if I can be that for him. I do not plan to engage in any more affairs. I have never been attracted to other men during our marriage except that one. But I don't know if I can be attracted to my husband. I'm so confused. Meanwhile he's already starting to try and "court" me, I guess you would say. He's going to take me out to dinner. He keeps doing little thoughtful things for me. He keeps leaving little notes all over for. He touches me, like just on my arm or shoulder or leg, nothing real intimate. Frankly, this has been irritating the ****** out of me. I don't know why, but I do know I am not ready for this.

I told him of the affair for two reasons. 1-I felt like a hipocrit for making him think we were going to keep trying. I had told him before I was not happy in our marriage, and 2-I think I was placing the decision in his lap on what to do about the marriage. I sometimes wonder if a little part of me was hoping he would end it.

What do I do now? Please don't tell me how horrible I am. I know all that. Please don't judge me on the wrong I did. I know it was wrong. I want to know how I go on from here. I do I develop feelings for someone I don't have? I'm trying to think of the good times, but it doesn't help.

Sorry this is so long. I hope it doesn't sound confusing.

Thanks for reading.

You stayed with your H for 13 years and you share two children together.

It can't all that bad. Why did you decide to marry in the first place? I'm assuming that no-one held a shotgun to your head.

Much of this might be the "fog" speaking. Are you still in contact with the OM?

(((Confused)))

Welcome, I think you’ll find there are several WS (Wayward Spouses) and a ton of BS (Betrayed Spouses) on these boards and pretty much none of us are here to attack you.

The first thing I’m going to suggest that you do is totally end the affair. How long has it been since y’all had contact or talked or e-mailed? If it’s ongoing or has been within the last couple of months and there is a possibility of contact you need to write him a no contact letter saying “What we did was wrong, I’m working my marriage, never contact me again”, have your hubby read it and mail it for you. Then make no decisions for a while. When someone is coming out of an affair or addiction or anything like that their mind is Foggy. We have a tendency to re-write history to ease our pain and comfort us. Add this to the fact that you are going to have to go through the full grieving process for the loss of your affair and you can see that you thinking will be clouded for a while.

So then the question become what shall you do in lets say the next 6 months to a year. Well I’d suggest educating yourself (read His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving the Affair – ask your husband to read them as well) and I’d also suggest getting into individual counseling with some marriage counseling to shortly follow that.

Now I’m going to address a couple of issue’s right out in your post:

“””Because of all this, is that why I ended up so attracted to another man?”””

This is not a true statement. Your husband does carry part of the burden, along with you, for the state of your marriage but he carries absolutely no burden for your choice to have an affair. And once your affair began at the emotional level you took and took and took and took from the marriage. So if it went on for 4 years, for that entire time you have taken from the marriage and quite frankly I don’t believe you have a clue as to what that marriage could be if you were to give to it. A big thing on these boards and your recovery as an individual is taking responsibility for your actions.

M. Scott Peck in his book A Road Less Traveled wrote:

"Genuine love is volitional rather than emotional. The person who truly loves does so because of a decision to love. This person has made a commitment to be loving whether or not the loving feeling is present. If it is, so much the better; but if it isn't, the commitment to love, the will to love, still stands and is still exercised. Conversely, it is not only possible but necessary for a loving person to avoid acting on feelings of love. I may meet a woman who strongly attracts me, whom I feel like loving, but because it would be destructive to my marriage to have an affair at that time, I will say vocally or in the silence of my heart, "I feel like loving you, but I am not going to."....My feelings of love may be unbounded, but my capacity to be loving is limited. I therefore must choose the person on whom to focus my capacity to love, toward whom to direct my will to love. True love is not a feeling by which we are overwhelmed. It is a committed, thoughtful decision."

So if that is true, you have made the decision not to love your husband and you can also make the decision to love him. Now me, personally, I don’t carry the message that all marriages can or should be saved. But I do think that that decision is best made when you are in a proper state of mind especially when the lives of innocent children hang in the balance.

No it hasn't been all that bad. He's a great guy, a great father, and genuinely nice person. I don't know why I married him. I do know I wanted a baby and I wasn't doing that without a husband. I wanted the wedding, but I was always hoping someone would say, "Wake up, you're making a big mistake". But everyone thought we were a great couple.

I do still see the OM all the time. We work at the same place. Like I said, he left for another part of the company in another town quite far away. That's why it ended. After it ended he started with a woman that works in the same place as us. He ended up coming back 4 mths later and moving in with her. 2 mths after that they were engaged. Now they are getting married in a couple of weeks. I waS starting to get over the whole thing when he came back. Just seeing him reminds me of what we shared. I suppose I could have told him how I felt, but I was too scared. I try to tell myself all the time it never would have worked, but I never got to close the relationship. We used to talk about me visiting him when he moved, but that didn't happen because of his now fiance. It hurts me, but I know it can not be. I know I should and could make ith work with my husband, but the question is, do I feel enough for him to make it work? Do I love him somewhere deep inside me? Will I ever be attracted to him again? Will I ever want him to touch me again?

There's part of your problem. Read up about "No contact" and the reasons for same on this website. Continued contact with the OM may be affecting your outlook and contributing to your state of mind at the moment.

He is a co-worker. We enlisted in that harmless, joking flirtation you do with other co-workers. The kind that everyone does.

you want to just sit with that thought for a while..
and examine if it is truly a true statement...
and then move from there.......

ARK

There is no way for me not to see him. He works in the same place. I am not quitting my job because of that. I like my job and the people I work with. He and I don't work side by side or even talk to each other a lot. It's more of a hi, how are you type of thing. But I can't change the fact that we work in the same building.

.....Also, I don't work everyday. I'm part-time a couple nights a week. Occasional weekends.

“””I do still see the OM all the time. We work at the same place.”””

I would suggest looking for a new job and in the mean time having absolutely no contact what-so-ever with the OM. He’s such a good person that he was willing to cheat once it wouldn’t be out of character for him to do again.

“””Just seeing him reminds me of what we shared.”””

I think you need to look honestly at what you really shared. It wasn’t a loving relationship it was a destructive affair fueled by having primal needs met in secrecy. There weren’t tender moments, there were moments when he was sleeping with a married woman with children and you doing the same. So what did y’all share, a fantasy where true life and love can’t and don’t exist. Now it’s back to real life.

“””There is no way for me not to see him.”””

Uhhh yes there is and we’ve already discussed that.

“””He works in the same place. I am not quitting my job because of that.”””

They say having an affair is the most selfish act that man-kind can commit. By not removing yourself from that situation and providing that comfort and safety to your husband, that act continues.

Wonderful point ARK.

I think that it's quite a lot more than that. I quote: "Just seeing him reminds me of what we shared. I suppose I could have told him how I felt, but I was too scared. I try to tell myself all the time it never would have worked, but I never got to close the relationship. We used to talk about me visiting him when he moved, but that didn't happen because of his now fiance. It hurts me, but I know it can not be."

Does your H know that you continue to have contact with the OM? Does he know about those feelings you expressed above whenever you see the OM? Do you honestly think that you can move forward in your M while every contact with the OM dredges up those feelings you expressed above?

Just let me clarify. At the time of the affair OM was not involved with anyone or married. He wouldn't have gone ahead with it unless it was ok with me.

I will not leave my job because of him! I told you, I like my job and the people I work with. Yes, I hate to have to see him occasionally, but that's the way it has to be. I've been at my job for 7 yrs. It pays very well, it works with the regards to child care. THat someone is home for the kids at all times. This arrangement works and I do not think I could find a better job than this. I will not be unhappy going to work somewhere just because at my other job is OM. He didn't need to come back, but he did. I just have to live with it and get over it.

And I honestly don't know what ARK meant about that comment. At my work everyone engages in harmless flirting. That's just the way we are. We are all like a big family and all get along great (of course there are always the few who don't). So to sit and think about what? To move on from what? It is a true statement because that is what happened.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to sound ungrateful or upset by your replies. That's not the way I really feel. I do thank you for the advice and all. It's just that leaving my job is not an option at this time. I'm just trying to figure out how to get through this all. My husband knows the guy sstill works there and that he is getting married in a couple of weeks. OM and I don't really talk much at all. Like I said, it's mostly "hi, how are you" type of thing and anything that might be work related, which doesn't happen all that often. Believe me I've looked for other positins in the company, but not being able to work full-time it kind of limits my options.

all righty then........confused...I will clarify...

I am gong to lay out the anatomy of your affair....

and will pray that you seek true clarity on the issue..for you

what you did with this OM...in in your thoughts and actions place him above and before your husband in marriage.......


I would bet all the money in fort knox...
that even though you think it innocent at first...that the acts of engaging in such a manner with a person other than your husband...became an insidious cancer to both your marriage and thought processes...

so much so you put your children at great risk for coming from a broken home just in the name of your happiness......

you have a co-worker...
it's fun
it's engaging....
and then it becomes consuming.....

I bet you looked forward to seeing him at work....taking away energy and thought from looking forward to seeing your husband.....

you thought about your appearance in relationship to his reaction

I bet you thought of funny things to tell
things you thought he would enjoy hearing about...
taking away energy and thought from seeking the same things for your own husband...EVEN inspite of your husbands actions...

marriages are not entities that exist outside of our own energy and action

friendship are not entities that exist outside of our own energy and action..

nobody has really close fun friends..without expending energy on them...

so you began to rob your own home and marriage of your own actions and energies....and started to put them in to this guy at work...

you thought of him on the drive in
you thought of him on the drive home

you thought of him at home
you thought of him when shopping...or getting your hair cut...

you replaced your husband with this man....
and then say...
I don't feel the same for my husband....
yet you have put no actions in to feeling anything for him for a long long time..........

people that truly understand the vows of cherishing a spouse....
do and act cherishly towards their spouse.....

though to you it appears the emotional affair and connection just happened and is natural and exists on its own...
that is false thinking...


you call your work a family and yet you are the one in your own family placing your husband and children in great danger of becoming a broken home.......


I'm not gonna power struggle your mantra of innocent flirting and everyone does it..............

but I'll debate the insidious dangers of such acts within a marriage

you are here at a marriage building site...
and I ask you like i ask many before you with the same story...

why are you here..
here at a marriage building site...
that question is not a defensive one..
but one for you to search your soul before you answer...

because this site can't help justify your feelings of entitlement...but it can help you put your marriage back together...something you gave up on working a while back...

why are you here....?


ARK

“””Just let me clarify. At the time of the affair OM was not involved with anyone or married. He wouldn't have gone ahead with it unless it was ok with me.”””

Yes, but you were. Unless you also lied to him and he didn’t know you were married, what does it say about his character that he’d sleep with a married woman with kids waiting at home for her?

”””I will not leave my job because of him!”””

That’s your choice.

“””Yes, I hate to have to see him occasionally, but that's the way it has to be.”””

Just so we’re clear, no it doesn’t HAVE to be that way, it’s your choice to make it that way.

“””And I honestly don't know what ARK meant about that comment. At my work everyone engages in harmless flirting.”””

First off, it obviously wasn’t harmless and I hope you take a lesson from that. Secondly, everyone is an awful strong word. I work with women and I don’t flirt with them. WHY? Because I’m MARRIED. It’s funny when I was single I was a HUGE flirt but now that I’m married I choose not to and actually take offense when someone flirts with me that knows I’m married.

As long as other priorities come ahead of saving your M, then you will fall prey to another A. Just a matter of when.

Keeping your job over the needs of your M makes you less valuable to your M. Of course that's my opinion.

Seems like that 'friendly family' atmosphere was prime for creating the A environment. Doesn't sound like you can handle that for now.

Right now you appear t/b justifying the A. Same disease different carrier. U need to get rid of the disease.

What are you going t/d to end the A disease? Right now your medication of choice is a placebo....... (aka: conflict avoiding around the real choices to fix your M).

JMHO,
L.

Thank you so very much. I understand where you are coming from and you hit it right on the head. I realize that now that I read your explanation.

I came here because my husband found this site and told me about it. He was very excited, so I thought to see what he was so worked up about. It must be where he got the idea for all those stupid little notes. Anyway, I will take your replies and advice and sort through it and think about it. You've given me alot to mull over. I understand everything you are telling me and when I take the time to hash it out, then maybe I can really move forward. I know I would be crazy to let my husband go. I would regret it for the rest of my life.

THanks again, I will let you know how we do.

How r u 2 doing?

L.

Ark has lots of great points...as usual. Listen to them and think for yourself. Don't react to them. They are not meant to be reacted to...just sit and ponder. If you think you don't get them, re-read them and ponder some more. They will sink in. Sometimes if it is something you don't want to hear, you may say "I don't understand." Easy excuse. It may take 5 minutes, 5 hours, or 5 days but it will sink in. You know what all of these great posters are trying to say to you. Believe me, they are not on your side or your H's side. They are on the M's side. If you are here, then there is something in you that wants to make it work. If you are here to hear what you want to hear, then you are not in the right place.

I was/am in your shoes. I remember when I got married 13 years ago, someone asked me if I was sure this is what I wanted to do. In my mind, I thought "No!" But I didn't think I could walk away. Heck, everyone was in the church waiting for me. 13 years and 2 affairs later, I still think about it. I think it fueled the 2 A's also. Those thoughts showing negativity towards your S are a cancer. You have to get rid of them. You can't sit around and think of all the ways you are different, all the ways you can't get along. You need to read those books the others recommended. Take the "Recreational Enjoyment Inventory" with your S. It is under "questionaires" on this site. You may be surprised that there is something out there you can do together that you both enjoy. I didn't think my S and I had ANYTHING in common. But when we took it together, there were a dozen things that I thought she wouldn't be interested in.

The bottom line is this. You are here. Just from reading about this OM moving in with other women then moving out then moving back in...is that the kind of guy you want? Take a step back and think. You are fantasizing baby. You are magnifying all of the "good" qualities of this man. At the same time you are minimizing all the good qualities of this "great guy, great father and a genuinely nice person". I know, I was in your shoes. Concentrate on your husband and look at those "great" qualities. I know those qualities of OM you thought were so dreamy will start diminishing and the true and important qualities of the OM you were conveniently overlooking will start to surface.

Remember, don't react. THINK.

And don't make yourself vulnerable anymore through "harmless" flirting. Some people may be able to get away with it, you can't.

SNT

You seem to be honestly seeking the truth, which is good.

From my perspective, I think that being in love is very important but what it takes to be in love is an effort to meet intimate emotional needs. Over time, the successful meeting of those needs triggers the feeling of love.

My husband and I have been in the MB program for over two years. He tried for three weeks and for one fleeting second I experienced that feeling of love. It was wonderful.

I think affairs are common because it doesn't really take much for that feeling to be triggered. The OM managed, and here your contact was limited to the time you were at a part-time job. Your H is willing to try to work with you to meet your needs. He must be terribly hurt by your ongoing contact with OM, no matter how fleeting. Plus contact means you continue to compare your feelings for OM with your feelings for H. Not pleasant for the H.

Consider finding a new job and being open to spending a lot of time with your H one on one. Harley recommends a minimum of 15 hours per week.

Cherished