Not sure if anyone cares LOL BUT

As you all know I figured out my affair a long time ago was due to some self-destructive coping mechanims I had in place - when serious things happened in my life I couldn't cope and would self - midicate - in the past it was hurting myself, partying, drinking, and now affairs.

I know I have put new skills in place and am very concious about daling with things now.

But I always challenge myself too - could I be wrong about my reasons?

Since it's the one year time now, I have been shamed again horribly - I know H seems to be fine, but I am so ashamed of who I was last year, and looking over the events of last year.

I realize I am right about my self destructiveness. Things I never remembered until today (for those of you who think your FWS can't forget things - these are things I never remember since the day they happpened)

During that fall - there were 3 seperate occasions while I was chatting online, I drank 1-2 bottles of red wine ALONE - albeit I was chatting with OM...but still - 1-2 bottles of wine ALONE. There were also 2 seperate occasions while out with my H at a party - I drank so much I puked later and got hungover. Now I drink red wine - and can go through 1-2 bottles in good company over the course of an evening...but I also know my limits and never drink until I puke, and hadn't had a hangover since a was a late teen.

These are things that I had forgotten about - and i recently remembered and only further my discovery about my coping skills. I still believe if it hadn't been OM, it would have been more alcohol, possibly drugs, maybe another OM? Anything that made me feel better as I didn't know how to cope.

What an embarassement I was to my H last year <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> So glad he still loves me and we are so far from that now.

I love you Dorry ....

I can relate ... I have done some awful things in my 'long ago and far away ' days ....

You're young .... trust me ... you are going to appreciate your past mistakes one day and the embarrasment and shame will be long forgotten

Dorry I have learned something about shame, as long as you only let it become a reminder and not a part of yourself it's a good thing. Some people let the shame become a part of their personality where it haunts them the rest of their lives. But as a reminder it just serves to help remind us not to go places that were damaging to us.

funny pep..

I was just going to post the same things.........

how there are things I have done...
that I don't reconize as me today...but they were me..

cruelness to people...for a laugh
that truly must have hurt them as I dismissed them from my own partying and entertainment........

people that I hurt....through simple neglect.......not calling not showing up when I said would...

blew off a best friends wedding shower for a DATE...
that act had horrific implications on that friendship from that day on...and I mourn its loss...and though I have apoligized and even made a call that came many many many years later to once again speak my apology...it is a loss..that I own and carry...

that girl that I was....
ooooh I don't like who she was on that day............

God has been kind that we don't have to visit those thoughts every waking moment...but every so often they catch up....
and we are blessed when we can visit them with a bit of detached amazement of who we were once were...
and that we can come in contact with those that did the same to us once and see that they are not that same person as well...

the ability to change
the ability to really change......
what a great great thing............
what a cool thing for all of us...

ARK

I am so glad God could change me - and I am no longer that person...but at the same time, sometimes have such a saddness that I ever was that person <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

But atleast I learned - albeit the hard way - but my lessons were learned...

Dorry, I don't know a soul who learned lessons the easy way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> The things I have done...but these days I thank God for the scars because they remind me of how much I have grown and they remind me of His loving grace and mercy and His forgiveness.

Dorry,

I don't know if I have ever posted to you before but I have been reading your posts.


I just want to say...I think you are wonderful.You and FF and other ladies here taking full responsibility for what was done and becoming,such caring insightful women.I was particularly struck by some things you said on another thread to someone else.



Feel this sadness and let it pass,it will.My Mom had days like these when she was so saddened by her alcoholism and what it was to have most of my teen life with a Mom in that addiction.She is the most wonderful woman in my life now and we are so close like we never could have been before.It was all tragic but nonetheless,we made it through and have nothing but fun and good times to share now.

You turned your life around and are helping other's to avoid or recover from the same mistakes.I think that is great. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

{{{Dorry}}}

Aww thanks everyone - your support means so much to me. I know I have come a long way and so has my marriage <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Just glad to have this second chance.

like I wrote on another thread...

Somehow out of this mess, came a miricle - a second chance, and I am not gonna screw it up <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

hi dorry... i seem to have missed this when you first posted. sending some hugs your way. i can relate very much to what you say. both the sadness of past actions and the happiness for the changes God has made in me and for the second chance.

{{{{dorry}}}}

Dorry...I know it probably doesn't make you feel any better about your own spot, but I can really relate to the self-destuctive escape coping mechanisms thing....and to the shame. I haven't seen anyone describe their experience like this before--in a sense I thought I was the only one!

It has been four years since my A, but only 18 months since D-day. (I had a horrific a-ha moment, a personal epiphany--nightmare-realization if you will, and came forward with the truth to my H.) I never ever realized how much I could hurt another human being. I have come so close to losing him, and have lost him in some sense of the word, but love him very deeply and am working very hard to help him recover....and recover myself.

I do the fore-head slap on occasion when a memory floats up...sort of like seeing yourself in a new light--a very ugly one. Sometimes I feel like I really WAS an alien, as they describe on the boards---so out of it--so clueless....the hardest part is that I wasn't an alien. that was me. I DID that. Ugh! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

I can relate to the phases of shame. Mine usually are followed up by some anger at myself for being SUCH a frickin' IDIOT !!(and for not facing the truth right when it happened!) Then, so as not to lose all hope, I try to forgive myself (since self ain't goin' no where we gotta find a way to get along) After that, I try to do a little cheer for myself....and celebrate that I am NO LONGER THERE!!!

So here's a Cheers to Dorry--and to her courage and her power of personal change!! Cheers! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />