It's almost 3 years since my D-DAY and what a D-DAY it was. Driving down the hotel strip in my town on New Years Eve, I see my H's car and the OW's car parked..seems like the only cars in the parking lot...the desk person MIRACULOUSLY tells me his room number..I knock on the door and he answers in his boxers,saying "I'M ENDING IT RIGHT NOW"...OH WHAT A NIGHT!...I proceed to my car and call everyone I can think of..his best friends... OW calls me on my cellphone and asks me: "Who are you the GD FBI?"(to give you a flavor of her)-guess I ruined her night of fun because my H left her there in the hotel room and so the PROCESS begins....PLAN A..FALSE RECOVERIES...PLAN B...REAL RECOVERY for 2 Years.... This may be more information than you need to know...

I wanted to share this morning because I am coming to a place of putting a lot of this behind me. It is painful to recall those events now (my body began to shake as I typed it) and I really don't have to play that out again much anymore.

My H is genuinely dear to me now. I have had the sweetest and most wonderful weekend with him. He has definitely chosen me. He has filled my life with such pleasant memories over the past two years that, even if something else happens, I feel blessed for having had this special time with him.

In the midst of this weekend, I've been lurking and reading about your trials. These are thoughts that I want to share with you before I get to the point of FORGETTING THE TRAUMAS THAT I EXPERIENCED... My FWH is wiping the pain away...Most importantly, I am becoming STRONG enough in my PERSONAL RECOVERY to not allow those past traumas and memories to intrude and rob me of EXPERIENCING TRUE JOY in my life.

DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE I held on to HOPE AND FAITH for dear life. This was the main thing that kept me going. If not hope for your marriage, maintain hope and faith in your spirit, in your soul, for your own well-being. I turned to MY GOD, to MY PERSONAL SAVIOUR in the midnight hours and constantly and regularly received PERSONAL TOUCHES and MESSAGES from the HOLY SPIRIT. Even if you do not share my religious beliefs, do whatever it takes to remain focused on the LIGHT and not the DARK....DO NOT LET ANYONE ROB YOU OF YOUR HOPE AND FAITH...that is the GOAL OF THE ENEMY....

VIEW THIS AS A SERIES OF BATTLES See yourself as a soldier in a war..a fight for yourself..a fight for your marriage..a fight against the forces of evil...Given your hope and faith (discussed above), BELIEVE that you will be victorious and conquer the ENEMY..ONE BATTLE AT A TIME....

VIEW YOUR WS AS BEING DRUG-ADDICTED My FWH was just as bad, lost,desperate, craved, nasty, smelly as any meth or cocaine addict...This is not a contest that anyone wants to win. But, I bet that I can top any story that the WSes are discussing on the boards lately... At some point in all of this, my FWH was emotionally abusive, at times physically abusive, abandoned me, abandoned his children...all of the above and worse than I can possibly believe at this point...he seemed POSSESSED and EVIL....A MONSTER, at times.. Now I look at him after FULL WITHDRAWAL and his OWN INSISTENCE on USING EXTREME PRECAUTIONS and I can't BELIEVE WHAT I SEE... He is truly the SWEETEST, KINDEST PERSON to me.. For two full years, I have waited for that MONSTER to return.. Early on, their were daily glimpses but as each day goes by he comes closer and closer to being his former self or even better....HE HAS DEFINITELY CHANGED...

LEARN STRATEGIES TO INSULATE YOURSELF FROM THE MONSTER WHO IS NOT REALLY YOUR SPOUSE It's like I learned to enclose myself in a cocoon that he could not penetrate. I would come on here to vent. I would retreat to the bathroom. I would go on LONG DRIVES in my car. It was important not to be swept up into HIS EVILNESS..INTO HIS CRAZY WORLD...That would have legitimized his craziness.. Of course, the eventual PLAN B is perfect sanctuary....

CONTINUE TO EXPOSE... This so freeing..Tell everybody you know. You are in the RIGHT. He is in the WRONG. This is an essential battle strategy. This will get back to one of them and they will continually BE SHAMED. Don't believe that others are supportive of what they are doing...I had fantasies of fencing them in her house so they wouldn't want to come out. This turned out to be truer than I believed at the time. They took back roads and snuck around town while I took the main roads and let everybody know what my H was doing...

There's more that I have to say..I'll stop here and go to lunch....

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thanks Mimi

good sharing here .... I am certain this will help countless others...

Mimi,

What a wondeful post.

You and your H have come a long ways.

God Bless you both.


Hurting

Mimi,

I have a question for you that no one likes to think about let alone answer for me. I am a BS that that did everything wrong before I found MB. I LB'd her death with DJ's and questions about why, etc. I tried to reverse all of this by doing a plan A without knowing what it was. I helped her move to an apartment, I brought her flowers and letters after D-Day and everything that a plan A entails just not following a plan other than what my MC was advising.

What my question is, is do you think that a recovery is possible after a divorce? I lost my patience after she refused to keep her A discreet and private. She even told me she would not "hide her relationship" with him. Mind you the OP is 15 years younger than her and they both freely admit it is not a "permanent thing". My WW has her children and does not want to start again, the OM wants a family and has told her this. Despite all of this their A is still going strong. All of this being said, I am clinging to a what I consider a sliver of hope yet and am having trouble keeping it alive. I read your post and want to have hope but at the same time I am a realist and this is becoming more and more difficult as time passes.

I still love my EX as much as ever and want our family back, I am just to a point in my life where I am wavering on whether to hang in there or give up completely. My MC, my family and friends all tell me I am better off without her. After 28 years together I just can't accept that yet.

I have read many of your posts and you have great common sense and intuition for what is happening in many situations, so I am hoping you will take some time to think about my sich and tell me what you think.

dukhuntr

Great post Mimi.

I'm not sure that I'm still with you on anything is possible just believe. I have believed for 2 1/2 years and we have had several false recoveries--feels like we are nowhere--not together not divorced.

BUt I'm so very happy to hear of your success.

My WH is leaving once again because he is unhappy and says that it is me who makes him unhappy. However, he always comes back because he is unhappy being gone also. But hey the problem is me!!!! HAHAHAHA!

Don't think my H has every truly quit running from all that has happened and actually faced--he has also never been humble about any of it.

Anyone know anyway to make them realize it this them that is unhappy and that they are are accountable for much of there happiness not someone else???

A few more thoughts....

LET YOUR WAYWARD SPOUSE GO....FOCUS ON YOURSELF...I really got this after reading LOVE MUST BE TOUGH by DOBSON although this was pounded into me by others...I came to accept that there was no amount of crying, pleading, explaining, questioning or PLAN Aing that I could do to make my H stop his A..He had to eventually choose to break up with her on his own...He had to be ready...

HE HAD TO HIT HIS BOTTOM This was the reason for the false recoveries..He came back before he was ready..He came back before he had scraped the very bottom of the barrel..He had to come face to face with all that he was losing..He had to come face to face with who the OW REALLY WAS... This is what can happen in PLAN B...

The A has stopped in the case of my WH. I'm with you in the fact that my H has never hit bottom. Of course I'm his best friend so even when seperated he calls me when life sucks and I have taken those calls--shame on me.

Everyone has told me that and you are right I have begged, pleade etc and asked him withhold his promise he made when he came in April 2005--which was he wanted us to go to joint counseling--of course it never happened.

One day he will figure it out and I may or may not be there stil wanting tomake it work. Time will tell.

Albany:

It seems time for you to do PLAN B..

Do you have your own thread on the forum in order to obtain assistance with this from other MBers?

Mimi,

I thank god everyday for letting me find this place and all of you.

I would still be crying, begging and pleading if not for here.

I an trying very hard to let go and I am making some progress with that. PlanB has been a good thing for me. I know in my posts it sounds like its not sometimes but in reality I know its been the best thing I could have done for me.

Now if I could just get everyone else to understand that. They just don't get it...... I think I gonna by me some ear plugs so I don't have to hear the stuff they say about WH , what he does and says. I say stop but they keep on going ...... Learning to walk away from it now....


I keep telling myself I can only control me ........

I don't really now--I use to on the pregnancy/child forum.

The thing that scares me about Plan B now is that I will have to sell the house which is in my parents name because we serious credit issues due to a business my WH had.

Anyway--I'm at the point where I tapped all my money resources when he was gone before and now I would have to have my parents help me with the house payment and then sell the house.

My parents will only help me get through this one last time and then I know I lose there support if I go back to H because they have watched me be drug through ****** in back over the last 6 years.

I just think that this will be it. Maybe not. He has always had the house and shop to come home to but he wont this time.

I will Plan B and I figure if it is truly meant to be it will all work out inthe end even with my parents--I know it won't with them until he is truly humble and they don't believe he has ever been humble and they are actually very right because he hasn't ever it bottom.

I can survive on my own without him just fine but it is so hard to let go of the person one loves so much.

If I could find the switch that turns that love off I would because it would make it all so much easier right now.

BTW he told me he was done and moving out again on 10/07/05--our 10th wedding anniversary.

duk:

You said:



Doesn't this answer your question about the hope in your situation? OK. Even if you look at this from a purely realistic point of view, the chances are slim that this R will last....even if the A is still going strong....I would place my bets on your relationship with your WW after 28 years....I think that you have greater than a "sliver" of hope....

Have you let your WW know that you would be interested in reconciliation with her? I would let her know this if that is what you are wanting...

Mimi~

I just think it may be too late for the Plan B--I tried several before an failed.

I will try again just thinking I missed the best opportunities before for a good Plan B.

Albany:

Start your own thread here and see what others think...

What makes you sure that the A has ended?

Since there is an OC, doesn't he have contact with the OW?

Mimi,

Yes, I have let her know and I have written her parents a letter letting them know how I feel and what it would take for me to start a recovery. I am following my own plan B and do not communicate with her directly anymore.

I am glad to hear someone else thinks I have reason to hope. I know what my life was with her and I have had enough time now to see what it is without her. I would choose life with her instantly if given that choice even with the work it is going to require to make it happen again. I am going to keep that thread of hope alive at least until I just see a reason not to anymore.

Thanks for your thoughts.

dukhuntr

Albany:

Another one of my thoughts:

When you fail or make a mistake, get right back up on the horse...get back into the battle....

NC with OW and OC. While we were seperated 02/01/04-03/31/05 he say/dated someone other than OW for about four months.

We all have reason to hope--I'm just afraid that is why I'm still in no mans land though--because I have chose not to give up.

As Autumnday told me(from Pregnancy/OC board) if you sell the house etc it isn't the end of the world and if he figures it out truly he will come back with or without the house to come home to.

Autumnday has always thought that I needed sell house etc. or he wouldn't hit bottom because I have alwyas been thter for him otherwise throughout all of this.

So true Mimi.

It's not even possible to *guilt* them into ending it.

Nope..

"Guilt" didn't work at all either...

Believe me, I tried it....

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You are so right. I thought mine had came back for good each time because I hadn't forced him back but the truth is I allowed him to come back before he had hit rock bottom.

Albany:

Say out loud how you are setting him free...

This really freaked my H..

I said out loud to him and in the PLAN B LETTER.."I don't want you until you want me"...he would quote this back to me in later conversations...

When he came back, it was because HE CHOSE TO DO SO... not because I asked him to or begged him to come back...