My WH came back on his iwn but he always knew I wanted him back--I never moved on and clung onto the past etc. Kept the house etc. in case he decided to come back we would still have all that stuff.

You are right--now I have to move on for me and he must know that I only want him to come back when he wants to come back to make it work--not sure how to tell that though as each time he has came back he has said it is because he wants it to work.

Hi Mimi

Thanks for taking the time to post this. It has been interesting reading, and I look forward to reading anymore you may post.

Have a good day

Mimi:

What needed to happen for you and your husband to be open to a physical relationship again?

And when did you find forgiveness to be the most challenging?

WHen did your husband find forgiveness to be the most challenging?

Great post Mimi! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

You know I'm following your example ... but I'm only 10 months into plan B <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I have lately been communicating by e mail with WH about some financial matters but his answers have not been very coherent. So I guess we wait a while longer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

He's also started insisting on my getting a new car thru dds. I explained to them that I don't have an account with HIS bank anymore (they are financing new cars) because HE took me off the account and I prefer to keep what little money I have for any emergencies. They understood this.

So I have been checking out what he might be thinking but so far nothing interesting.

I'm still happy though! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Loy, I'm not sure where you are going with this. My viewpoint on this has been controversial and special in our situation.

I will answer simply. Since discovery of my FWH's affair, our physical relationship only ended during PLAN B and I slipped miserably, once- yet passionately, during PLAN B... We started right back, without a problem, at the beginning of Recovery...I can only guess that this was not a primary need met by the FOW....



I don't recall finding forgiveness to be challenging. The event that was most challenging for me was the second FALSE RECOVERY. We had just returned from a special vacation out west to a place we had never been...



My H frequently evidenced his need for my forgiveness of him...both verbally and behaviorally. He found it difficult to forgive himself and wouldn't want me to be " too nice" to him for several months, saying that he was not "worthy" of my kindness...

Thanks mimi for your help and encouragment today.

Tonight should be interesting.

Mimi

I think I've confused stories or made some goofy assumtions.

I need to re-read some posts and find out who posted what I thought you did.

So shines a light in the darkness. Thanks, Mimi.

Thanks for reminding me, Grape Girl..

Another tip...

If you can at all find some way to afford it, schedule sessions with Steve Harley (or Jennifer).

I gladly pay that credit card bill each month...

Steve counseled me through MY PLAN (as he told me to call PLAN A), PLAN B, MODIFIED PLAN B (only under specific instructions from Steve) and early Recovery..

I'm thinking all I can do is a Plan B and leave it up to god now--I have tried to control this situation and outcome for a very long time and it is consumming me and making me miserable.

mimi

maybe i need (and others too) to go back and read your thread.

Do you know where it can be found now?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=023809


Eav this is Mimi's planb thread Hope I did it right

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS

My FWH recently admitted this in describing his behavior as a WS...

He consciously knew when he was trying to manipulate me with his WORDS....

YUK!!!

Something I have to remember ......

Another thought:

I found it to be helpful to JOURNAL. I have notes from my sessions with Steve Harley and helpful quotes and feedback that I received here..information from other sources...

I referred back to this often for knowledge and inspiration..

Journaling is something I do .... I have pages of everything.

I have a calendar with everything on it. I mark off all days of contact to money to when we had SF ... thats been a long time .... To moving in and out dates....

I have written down everything that has happened. I have printed out so much stuff from this site. I feel like I need a file cabinet to hold it all.....

I did this with the hope that maybe someday if/when we can get our marriage back and things are good again I can let my H read this stuff and see just how mcuh I went through. I don't want this stuff to hurt him I just want him to see what it was all about.... But if/when the times comes I may just change my mind about letting him see it....

Thanks, Mimi!

Sometimes it seems so futile.

The carrot and stick of Plan A just seemed to bring out the very worst and vilest traits of WS to the surface.

Now in a dark Plan B and continuing to work on myself ... and still hoping for peace to settle in my heart.

Some more thoughts this morning....

I HAD TO COME TO TERMS WITH THE REALITY OF WHAT I WAS DEALING WITH....YOUR WS IS A DRUG-CRAZED EVILDOER...HE/SHE IS NO LONGER THE PERSON THEY USED TO BE..YOU ARE LOOKING AT TEMPORARY INSANITY...

This was a hard lesson for me to learn...

It is life-changing to face this...

I am encouraging you, though, to SEEK WISDOM..

This requires giving up your NAIVENESS

You are now on the DARK SIDE OF LIFE....

Let this compel you to STAY IN THE LIGHT...

I guess I've been sensing surprise on the board lately regarding how low the WS can go..how EVIL the WS can be....

I'm saying unfortunately to EXPECT THE WORSE...

STAY ANCHORED ABOVE GROUND TO PREVENT BEING PULLED DOWN INTO THE QUICKSAND...

Sorry for this rant...

YUK.....

On a brighter note, my own FWH is being as WONDERFUL now as he was BAD....

This was key in our case, the goal! Mimi, thank you for sharing this very valuable information!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Another thought this morning:

In hindsight, looking back it would have been helpful to think of PLAN A as CREATING A MEMORY of you for your WS to keep while in PLAN B.

During the midst of PLAN A, my WH mostly acted as if my changes were not having an effect. In fact, as LOST indicated, he often became angry with his message being (not verbatim but in so many words): "Darn it, you're doing this now after I'm already addicted to the OW...Now what am I supposed to do... I thought you didn't love me and now here you go fooling me..How dare you do this now when I was almost out the door..How am I supposed to justify to myself leaving you if you keep carrying on like this...STOP THIS PLAN A STUFF..STOP IT SO I CAN SHAMELESSLY CONTINUE TO CARRY ON WITH MY A....

So my WH would try to pick fights, say mean things, try to get me off my PLAN A COURSE....

In PLAN B, he couldn't help but REMEMBER THE SPECIALNESS THAT I CREATED DURING PLAN A....THE CLEAR CHANGES THAT I HAD MADE...

He only told me this later..so you may not know then the effect that PLAN A is having....

During PLAN B, the OP will feel confident and show the REAL SELF-with LBing and DEMANDS-while your WS has SPECIAL MEMORIES OF YOU....