I just found out about my wife's affair 2 weeks ago. It's killing me, but I'm trying to keep a calm head. We have 2 kids 11 & 13, she says she is in Love with this guy and is willing to throw 17.5 yrs away. What do I need to do? I have read everything in the FAQs, ordered books, read Shirley Glass's book, wife is reading it now. I'm not seeing much hope for recovery of the marriage. Help

If you read everything... starting at General Welcome...

...have you started with a Plan A?

NSR

Hi Eagle. Welcome to MB, sorry for your need to be here.

There is tremendous hope for getting past this. Indeed, I believe the statistics state that most M's affected by adultery do NOT ultimately end in divorce. But it is a long rough road ahead, but one worth traveling, for your own sakes and your children's sakes. If your WW is so set on divorce, she can at least take the time to read about its effects on her kids, and potentially how to minimize those (although unfortunately that is not very easy to do).

If I could implore you to also look at Judith Wallerstein's book "The Long Term Effects of Divorce on Children - a 25 year study" - I got the book on tape from my local library. It definitely made me want to work all that much harder on my M for my children's sakes.

Does she think she's about to move out or something? What is her big plan? She's reading an affair book??? That's a great first step.

If she gets to the point where she is willing to do a No Contact letter and end the A with OM, then go to marriage counseling. Otherwise, posting here and doing individual counseling are your best options. Marriage counseling does not work while the A is still on-going.

How long has the A been going on? Does she work with him? Do you know him? Is he married as well? How did you find out about the A?

MSA

At this point it is very important to focus on your commitment to the marriage and your kids. Look at your part in the marriage's problems and start making any changes that you need to make. For your marriage to work you will both have to change, but this is not the time to talk about your spouces faults. The only requirement you need to have right now to save your marriage is that your spouce end her affair. Keep in mind that you have a long recovery in front of you.

Yes I ahve read everything on the website and ordered the books, they should be here today. The first thing I found was Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It pretty much covers everything, alot like Dr. Harley.

I haven't started a Plan A yet, she is living in OK City, stationed at Tinker AFB, I am in Huntsville, Al, we are waiting for her retirement 1 Feb 06. Makes it hard to work as she is in another state and the phone is the only contact.

I'm not sure she is set on divorce, but she says she loves this guy, he's her soul mate, and she wants to be with him. The AF has put out a No Contact Order to all three of us, if she or I contact him she will be charged with disobeying a direct order, same if he contacts either of us.
She did call after confessing (4hrs later and very reluctantly) and left a message in his answering machine while I was there stating I knew about the A and there would be no contact while she worked on her marriage. She is definitely going through withdrawl and gets very moody sometimes.

I will have her look at Judith Wallerstein's book it may help. She is in counseling with the base chaplain, one a week, she keeps me informed of her whereabouts, and has promised she will not have contact to keep from ruining her career. She wants to stay in OKC, but is going through the motions to move here. One of my greatest fears is she will retire and stay in OKC and won't tell me or the kids until the day she retires.

I am in counseling, she will be here this weekend and is willing to meet with my counselor, we have an appt Friday.

The A started Aug 26, I have the emails etc... She has slept with him twice and has determined she is madly in love. Very confusing as she has always despised people who do this kind of thing.

I found out about it when the kids and I drove out for her birthday to surprise her. We waited outside the base hospital for her to get off work, when she came out and saw me the look I got chilled me to the bone and scared the H out of me. She was furious. Her greeting to the kids was very cool, not cold. She was very distant, when we went to bed that night she pulled away, never did that before, worried me. the next morning after a sleepless night, as she was leaving for work she told me I Love You, but I am not in Love with you. Then went to work, I was stunned. I started looking around and in a basket on the counter were emails of an inappropriate nature between her and the OM. I called her at work and told her she needed to come right home as there is now a family emergency. She stonewalled, I insisted and told her not to BS me, after 24.5 yrs in the AF I knew she could leave for this at anytime. She came home around 10:15AM denied breaking her wedding vows all day, finally around 11:00PM she asked what if she had an affair, I told her we would work through it, she then fessed up, but didn't go into many details. The next morning I called her first sgt and the chaplain. the chaplain came over and we talked for about 3 hrs. Things improved a little, but I think the withdrawl is really getting to her, I sked her to call me if it got too bad and I would talk to her or fly out there whichever would make her happy and help her get over the hump.

She did volunteer to keep me informed of her whereabouts, she says she wants to work on the marriage, but then says she really wants to be with OM, this keeps me in a knot.

We have discussed my faults in the marriage, and I have tried to show her I have grown and am more in control of my emotions. She was very surprised I did not explode about the A and wanted to work it out. She was also surprised I didn't want to ruin her career.

We both know this is going to be a very long road, but I'm not really getting a warm fuzzy about her being comitted to working it out. That scares me. I don't want my kids shuttling back and forth, but she may push the issue. I just don't know, when I ask her about things the defenses go up and all I get is "FINE I won't do that anymore or I won't bring that up again" I haven't been giving LBs, I have tried very hard to be calm and reasuring, btu am not getting much reassurance back. This is all very confusing, but I'm trying to disarm her with kindness. I hope it works. I guess we have partially started a Plan A, but haven't completed it yet.

Eagle15

I've been told that Plan A is not being emphasized as much as it should be.

Check out an 'old' post I wrote quite a while ago...
Plan A - 101

NSR

NSR,

Thank you for the link. I've read it and will try to put a firm Plan A in place this weekend.

Eagle15

Bump

Hey Eagle,

So it seems like NC is being enforced by the AF. Good. Withdrawal will take awhile. If there is any contact, report them immediately!

What can you do to start makign Plan A a reality, where yo uare spending off-duty hours together and building love units?

Plan A is in effect except for the NC letter, she refuses, also wearing her rings on pinky finger.

WW is at Tinker, I'm in Huntsville Al. We talk on phone a lot, she has volunteered to keep me up to date with her schedule and when she goes some place, she's been pretty good about that and has said it is now a habit. I haven't seen anything on her cell, new number. All previous contact was on her work email and phone. She is flying in tomorrow night for 12 days. We have 2 MCs scheduled and I have an appt with Jennifer 24th @ 1900.

I'm retired, she will be retiring 1 Feb. Says she is coming here to try to work M for kids.

She is almost through with SAA and will be starting LB this week while she is here. She says she will try to work ENs, but is still in love with OM. I have been working hard on her ENs and have stopped LBs over phone, she has ups and downs, sometimes moment by moment. She says this week will be very interesting, not sure what that means, but we'll see.

Sounds good. The two of you need time together. I understand that she is out in Feb. Do the best you can, because there is no substitute for actual time together right now. I understand the deployment thing. It is hard enough on a good marriage. Being apart when things arent good does not help the situation.

In His arms.

Eagle,

It is soo good that you have the AF on your side!! That no contact order should be available in the civilian world, too!!

She will be grumpy the first couple months while she is in withdrawal, but you have to be there, even from afar, to REPLACE him. CONVERSATION was/is a large EN for my Fww and it most likely will be with your wife.

Is the OM at Tinker too?

As she loses the addiction (withdrawal) of the OM she should be more warm/fuzzy.

Again that is outstanding that the AF can issue that No Contact order. That is one less (ONE BIG LESS) thing to worry about.

You are doing great, shmoozing her back. Keep it up. Send her long romantic emails.

Regards,

k

Conv was the biggest EN along with SD, DJ, and Ao on the LB side.

Yes he is at Tinker.

The NC thing is only as good as her desire to ahve NC, right now she is worried about her retirement and has not broken NC. I have no way of checking as I am 700 miles away.

Emails and cards are "Over the top" right now so I send a card about once a week and email occaisionally. We talk on the cells frequently as she wants to talk to the kids and she is reporting her movements.

She really is trying to go by the MB principles, but fights them occaisionally. Still says she doesn't want me and is in Love with OM, but is trying to work the M for the kids.

I hope she wants to talk to Jennifer Thurs Night, that would be great, I also wish she would do an NC letter, but she still refuses. I hope this time together works out well. I'll keep posting, this site has been a Godsend!

Thank you Mortarman and Krusht for the good words.

Well, checking the cell bill from pre A to current, last night saw numbers I didn't recognize, called it was people she works with. I called her and asked about one of the numbers talked about checking, she says it's funny she has to live by the MB rules, but I don't. I said I was curious and I wasn't the one that broke trust and checking up helps me build trust. She "Whatever makes you feeel good", she was mad as H***. Told me to just ask and she would tell me, and I have to admit she hasn't lied that I can tell since D-Day. She ahs deleted all emails, never gave home email or cell #. That's a good thing. All contact was from work. Shenow see's it as LB for checking and said I'm going to tell the chaplain today in my session and the MC tomorrow in our session. I said OK tell whoever. Shee alaid now who's going behind who's back?

comments???

That's ok, Eagle, you have an obligation to protect yourself from her by investigating her activities. She is untrustworthy and until she EARNS trust, she can count on you to check everything. Tell her that trust has to be EARNED. You have not violated her trust, however, she is perfectly free to check your emails, etc.

Explain to her that no one has the right to the privacy to destroy her spouse behind his back.

Also, she doesn't have to "live by" any rules. She is a free, emancipated big girl with a big girl car and all the trappings, who is fully responsible for her own choices.

More food for thought, folks who have nothing to hide, don't hide. If she were sincere, she wouldn't care that you check her phone bill. She would welcome it.

She told me I should have asked her and she would've told me. Then stated that she never used cell to contact, never used home email. All was done at work. She also stated that she has deleted everything from OM has nothing from him. I think once she thinks about it a little more she will understand. Also when she talks to the chaplain at 1:30 she will understand (hopefully).

I'll post later tonight and let you know how the homecoming went.

I have a quick question about the house, I told her I've never felt comfortable in the house in OKC. Now she tells me she doesn't feel comfortable in the house in Huntsville, last night she said she was coming home then changed it to I'm coming to Alabama, and again stated dhe wasn't comfortable in the house. I said if you help me decorate and put your mark on the house it will become your home, this is where you family is, your children and husband. All I got in return was whatever.

Eagle, if she used work email and phone to contact OM, would she then be willing to provide you with passwords and phone bills of same? How can she prove to you she is not still contacting the OM from those modes?

And it doesn't matter if she didn't use her cell phone to contact the OM, that doesn't mean she won't in the future.

Please explain to her that she must EARN trust and ask her what she is willing to do to earn it. Remind her that she has been untrustworthy and that you will do what it takes to protect your back until that trust has been EARNED. [trust ain't an entitlement!]

I think it is extremely premature to be having house discussions. She is completely fogged out right now and her tastes will change from day to day.

Funny thing, my DH asked me last night if I would to OKC!

When does she leave military service for good? Can you see how devastating this seperation has been on your marriage?

ML,

Providing me with access to military email is a big no-no, I used to do net security for AF before I retired, no joy there, phones same way.

She retires 1 Feb and will be coming to Huntsville, I can now see how devistating this 3.5 yrs of separation has been. The kids are also affected by it, they are afraid to talk to her about how they fell about things. I assured them that when she does talk to them about all this, which will be this week per her words, I will be there for them and if they want me there while she talks to them I will be there. Both want me there, I asked them to be completely honest with Mom and don't hold anything back, they still haven't said a whole lot to me about all this, I hope it all works out OK.

I hope to never go to OKC again, bad memories, we have to get rid of the waterbed I bought just before we were married as OM has been in it. I don't know how I will handle it at Christmas, just gut it out I guess.