My situation is not unique. My W is currently involved in an EA. Exposure has happened and continues to unravel the A.

Although Plan A is in effect, W briefly pulled out of MC but is back in now. Contact has been broken with OM, but only time will tell if it has stuck (phone records will show for sure).

Anyway, Plan B is not far off either as W is basically refusing all attempts to reconcile even though contact with OM has ended. She still wants to leave M.

Now, on with the topic. I believe W's best friend is enabling or at least in part responsible for the current state of our M. This person is highly dependent upon my W and basically cannot run her own life without input from my W. My W's best friend is also related to the OM!

Over the years (last 2) W's best friend has relayed information to my W about the OM. Says that when OM was around my W (accidentually) he thought the world of her. Thought she was so attractive, etc. Also said that if she ever became available, he would like to start a relationship.

So, my W's best friend has been telling my W all about this OM. Then as fate would have it, an accidential meeting took place and it was accidential. At that meeting, all her thoughts, fears, disappointments with our M came out and he just rode right in.

Now, some 4 months later, since W and best friend are hundreds of miles apart she is planning a visit to stay with her. W's entire family is in the same area, and so it is a trip to visit family and to visit her best friend. Of course I do not trust best friend as I believe she is enabling quite a bit.

So, I am wondering how others have dealt with enabling friends, and in this case, it is W's best friend. Any ideas?

thanks,

p47d

Hi P47D,

In my opinion,you could express to this friend how much you love your WW,how much you want to save your marriage and make it the best it can be,that it hurts you to know there are other's out there who may not support you in this,but ultimately you cannot control who your WW befriends,sleeps with,hangs around with or talks to,etc.

It's all part and parcel of A's: the lies,behavior,hangers on and detractors,etc.No, this woman may not be the best person to be around and may even be influencing your WW very badly but all you can do is stick to your plan of action,stay true to yourself and your values and beliefs.

In my case,my WH had a bunch of cronies around him too supporting the cheating.I had no control over any one of them nor did I focus on that.Afterall,my H was cheating on me and was in the midst of more than just lousy so called "friends".Keep on doing what you need to be and try not to worry about those other's.You can't do much of anything except express how you feel.That has to be enough given the circumstances.

O

I'm not saying that my W's best friend is supporting my W's action, it is more like, whatever makes my W happy will in turn make her happy.

This is commonplace within a family. The family hurts or is unhappy because they see another family member unhappy or hurting. Instead of doing the right thing, they enable the family member who is hurting thus in turn making themselves hurt less. You see, if the family member sees the other as being happy then they too wil be happy, even though they may not agree with the behavior of the other family member.

In my case, my W's family is dead set against the A and her best friend is supposedly against it too, but it all comes down to whatever will make my W the happiest. No one is willing to step up to the plate and say it is dead wrong and we will NOT support your behavior! As they say, blood is thicker than water.

Her best friend will not do that either simply becasue she is a blood sucking tic on a dog. She is needly herself and needs my wife to meet many of her own emotional needs not currently being met in her own M, so if anything, she will not encourage my W to leave with the OM, but she won't stop her either becasue in the end, my W will end up staying with her for a while and that will in turn fill the void in her own life.

I'm just torn on how to break this bond if it is at all breakable?

p47d

I can only tell you that my husband and I agreed that our marriage comes first. For us, that meant severing relationships with these "supposed" friends that could pose a threat to our marriage or cause harm to either one of our feelings ... directly or indirectly.

In short, we had to change the company we kept and have only friends that support and live the ideals we were trying to attain and maintain to secure our life-long commitment.

Well this "friend" is either for or against what your WW is doing.And there's nothing more friendly than a friend who will just turn the other cheek so as not to upset the other friend right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

There are many scenarios where it isn't so much about the friendship but standing up for what's right.What if she started doing crack or robbing banks? Would they all just accept it based on the fact that WW was "happy"?



The only way I see it is to keep doing your plan and hopefully your WW will see how her actions are selfish and hurtful.Otherwise you are not in control of this anymore than we are with our own WS's.

In my situation,my WH's family,from the very beginning,told my WH to never bring the homewrecker to their home and they didn't want to hear a thing about her,ever.As far as I know,they have abided by that rule they made for WH because no matter how much time passes,this OW will always be an OW and will have not only hurt so many people badly by helping to destroy our marriage/family but they also can't accept nor feel good about this OW and what she stands for.Not the best way to begin a relationship in any way.They do not approve at all.It wasn't about pleasing my WH so he could feel happy and hence they don't feel awkward.

I'm sorry your WW's family will not do that.It would be the right thing to do and it shows your WW that they too believe in values and what is right and do not condone bad behavior.They don't have to disown her but they can certainly make it very difficult for the A to continue by not letting OM around or doing anything where he is involved.

O

>I can only tell you that my husband and I agreed that our marriage comes first.

Well, herein lies the crux of the problem. My W has yet to come to that conclusion. Right now, her best friend and her family are coming first. Since she is in the fog, she sees no real hope in saving our M.

I'm sure once I enact Plan B and my W goes to live with her best friend it will only be a few weeks before she can't take living with her, her H and their kids who are spoiled brats. Their house is already a nut house. I can't imagine my W wanting or being able to survive there much past several weeks. Previously, a year to two ago, she said her best friend was running her life and that she wanted to get away from her. Only now, she feels drawn back to her. I guess her best friend enables her to death and this is the only comfort she is getting due to the exposure.

p47d

>Well this "friend" is either for or against what your WW is doing.And there's nothing more friendly than a friend who will just turn the other cheek so as not to upset the other friend right?

Exactly! This is what is going on. Her BF even though she knows it is wrong, will never step in the way and tell my W that she is flat out wrong. I'm sure she is to afraid to lose my W's friendship.

This has been one of my issues all along and that is it is tough to fight this issue when folks behind the scenes are merely standing by. No one really wants to get involved enough to say this is totally wrong and although we love you as a sister or friend, we will not tolerate it.

Instead, as I have feared, in the name of our society and doing whatever "feels" right, we as a people for the most part have become passive when facing tough decisions.

What my W needs now is some tough love, not enabling. But apart from me and our MC, who will furnish that when she visits her friends and family?

p47d

I hope I'm not giving bad advice here, my situation was not like yours so I'm grasping at straws as to how I would handle it (but I did have this same problem with in-laws, so I used my side of the family -- which was wrong as well).

Would circumstances be such that you could phone your W and explain that you would feel much better if the two of you remained "solo" on the part of friends, as far as living circumstances? And that the relationship, the vows, deserve(s) this little bit you are asking of her and you will do the same? Perhaps help her get a place of her own?

Explain that you understand her decision to possibly terminate the marriage but would like the reassurance of knowing you are both making the right decision based only on the two of you? Also, perhaps mention that other people truly ARE a distraction when in such an important decision-making process?

This is not asking her to "not speak to people about it," only to use discretion and have plenty of time without interference to know what's really in her heart to do. This being, without "constant" distraction?