Hi all. I'm new here. To make a long story short my husband had an affair with a co-worker and I found out on 10/02. He didn't tell me, I walked into the computer room when he had an e-mail acct open that I didn't know about. I asked him what it was and he said 'spam' and closed the window. I went to the library and he had used the same ID/PW so I opened the e-mail acct and there were e-mails back and forth between them for 2 months. He says they only made out twice yet he was planning to go visit her (She moved 4 hours away) so I know that even if that is true if I hadn' found out there would have been more.

We agreed to try to work things out but I believe he was just saying that so he wouldn't hurt me. (I have not had the greatest life and he has even admitted before that if he weren't in love with me anymore he wouldn't tell me so that way I would stay with him and he could protect/take care of me) I believe he is no longer in love with me, even though he says he is. He hasn't changed a bit and still acts the exact same way he did when he was cheating. He doesn't even attempt to make it look like he is trying to be a better husband.

I believe the only reason he is still with me (besides for wanting to take care of me) is because we are going to L.A. to do something that I've always wanted to do and he doesn't want to hurt me, then my birthday is 2 weeks after we get back, then it's Thanksgiving & his birthday then Christmas. I feel that he doesn't want to leave during a time so many events are happening because he doesn't want my future birthdays/holidays ruined because of him leaving. But I know in my heart he is going to (Just like I knew he was cheating).

My question is, How can I get him to confess and leave peacefully (as in a way that won't ruin my future forever)?

(I can't leave him, I have nowhere else to go. I have a medical condition that keeps me from working more than 4 hours a day so I do not have a job and my family lives 1200 miles away, plus I do not know anyone except his family. We had discussed this situation the night I found out and he agreed to pay the bills until our lease is up so I can save money to go live with my parents afterwards if the situation should arise)

Any help would be grateful.
(And please, don't tell me how I'm too young/immature/etc to be married. I'm having a hard enough time right now and I hear that constantly.)

Welcome to MB...

Have you read the first post General Welcome?

Would you consider starting a Plan A? Instead of just calling it quits?

NSR

Hi hon - It sounds like you do not feel much worthy of love. Have you been in individual counseling? Put yourself on the other end - what if your H told you all the time that you do not love him, despite the fact that you do and tell him so - I can see how this could be frustrating for him. It is hard to be the only source of self-esteem for another person. I am not saying that this is an excuse for him to cheat - there is no excuse for cheating - what he did was wrong. But, sweetie, where is your self-esteem in all of this? You think he is only with you because he feels sorry for you. No matter what happens with him, you need to find your self value for yourself. What is your worth? To me your worth is that you are human, and made in the image of God. You need nothing else to make you worthy - there is no more worthiness than this. It is a sanctity of life issue - not a quality of life issue. I have had a sucky life too...but it helps me to comfort other people who have been through the same things...I have been able to take the good from the vile...and you can do that too. If he leaves, peacefully or unpeacfully, it will not ruin your life......unless you let it. I will say a prayer for you and your marriage.

Lacey hang in there! Are you willing to give it a chance? Try to work on your marriage? I understanf about the age thing. I was 20 when me and my H got married and we got preg 3mos after getting married. Not to mention my H is 8 yrs older then I am. I am very thankful that I had my son when I did. I am having medical problems now that might keep me from having any more childern. I love my H with all my heart even after what we have been through. I know things look dark and scary right now but, You have came to the right place you will find help and encouragement here!

Before this all happened I had good self-esteem. Not great, but much better than it is now. I know that I'm attractive and have a lot to offer, however I offered everything to him. I'm sure you can understand how my confidence can be shattered when I'm an almost-20 year old, smart, attractive, loving, faithful woman and this was not enough for my husband.

I do want this to work and we've been trying. The feeling of him wanting to leave did disappear for a few days only to pop back up when he got drunk at a party and told me he still thinks of her at least 100 times a day and still longs to be with her. (Those were his exact words.)

He also told me that he wants to take care of me no matter what when he was drunk and wouldn't leave me even if he wasn't in love with me anymore. I'm sure you can see why I am afraid and hurt by this.

I just want this pain to stop and for things to go back to the way they were, or at least have my husband in love with me again.

Just because he was drunk, doesn't mean he was telling you "truth". That is an old wives tale.

I agree with allforone...you really need to work on "you".
You could have been an angel, but if your WS decided to cheat, it is his selfish act, not your doing.

I don't think anyone will stay in a marriage if they truly believe that they love someone else. Your H has "fog breath". He thinks of the OW 100 times a day like a drug addict thinking about his next "fix".

Get into MC immediately. Or at least IC for yourself preservation. Make sure your WS knows you won't stand for any further contact with the OW.

Peace,
holiday