D-Day was 3 mos ago. We were married 13 years and have 3 young kids. She had a short lived A and NC was 5 months ago. She is very remorseful, wants to work on a stronger M, but I can’t get past my feelings of disdain. Sometimes I just can’t stop crying when I’m around her. I look at her and have no respect, feelings of hatred for what she did, and distrust for her due to the lies upon lies. I love her because she is the mother of my kids. I’m staying because I love my kids so much and cannot imagine life without putting them to bed every night. My alternative is to move out, I don't get to put my kids to bed except on weekends (cuz I work), kids are forced to go thru divorcing parents, and I then have to support two households and her(she’s never worked). I’ve gone through some MC, but I really feel like I’m trapped and only staying for my kids, but not sure how much longer I can endure. I'm hoping with time I’ll find it in me to love her again. Of course, then it may be too late… If anyone has gone through similar struggles, I'd how or whether you made it.

SorrowJim,

I know exactly how you feel. I would wake up each morning and feel it creep back inside. It was never going to end. All the mental images and cell phone logs...I cried a lot and I don't cry much. I couldn't even cry when my grandfather died. But I cried over her weekends with OM. My wife told me to stop crying so much once. That really hurt.

I felt trapped too; A child, finances, all the years prior...

I didn't know how I was going to endure it either. I'd go maybe a week feeling "ok" then I'd get it back, almost like a panic attack.

Have you lost weight? I've lost about 60 lbs this year.

I ended up having a ONS. Like a fool I thought that would make me feel better. Here I am typing to you feeling worse than ever.

Been there my man. Lived it. I am in recovery, as my D-Day was in April 2002. Even today, those thoughts sometimes come in my head. But the hurt is less, the days between when I think about these things increase.

Your feelings are normal. It is VERY early in this process to be thinking that you cannot make it thru. You have a lot to work though...and if your wife wants this marriage, then she has a lot to do to help you get thru it.

Make no rash decisions right now. The fact that you believe that you are staying for the kids is a good start. Why? Because normally, after all of this, your TAKER will want to start taking over. Then you will want to throw yoru wife out (or leave yourself) and go get someone you "deserve." but instead, your GIVER is still hanging out, still thinking about at least your kids. That is a start.

I wont lie to you...when I see those images of my wife with the OM...it is disgusting. There have been several times where we were being intimate, and I had to stop because of my feelings of disgust. To me in those moments, she is nasty and dirty...and I dont want her anywhere near me.

Early on in this process, this happened a lot. Now...not so much. And with time, it will lessen more. Will you ever forget? Nope. That relationship of innocense the two of you had is gone...destroyed. You will have a different relationship from here on out. But you must get this...different need not be bad. Different may be better than ever...even with the bad images.

You need to first come to grips on how did this happen. While her affair is NOT your responsibility...the conditions that were created for her to want to go outside of the marriage are half your responsibility. Where did you fail to meet her most important emotional needs? Do you even know what they are? (by the way...all of these questions, your wife needs to ask herself also). You see, even if you leave your wife...you still have YOU to deal with. And if you failed her in your role as husband...and you never understand why...then you will fail the next person you meet also. Or continue to fail your current wife.

About now, you are probably angry at me. She had the affair...and all I can talk about is where you screwed up. Well, welcome to adultery! As you read on these boards, these things do not change. What has happened to you and your wife, your feelings now...all are NOT unique. It has been going on forever.

I stayed and fought for my wife because first of all, I believe that is what God wants. He says He hates divorce, and I believe Him. Secondly, divorce permanently harms kids! I see divorce asa form of selfish child abuse by parents. I hear so many times "I would do anythign for my kids." And then in the next breath..."I am leaving my husband." Which means they lied about doing anything for their kids...they are only concerned about themselves. So, you should be commended for understanding what this will do to them and hanging in there.

If you had a traditional marriage ceremony, then you had some type of oath that said "richer, poorer, sickness, health, good times and bad"...right? Well, guess what? This is the bad. We dont make vows for the richer, good, health parts. It is easy to stay then. This is where YOU show what kind of man you are...to your wife, to your kids...and to yourself.

We have a saying on these boards..."You have to earn your way out." And while you are justified to leave your wife this instant...you may miss out on something incredible by going thru "earning your way out." You may work hard and find a new, better relationship with your wife. You may work hard and do everythign you can, and still end up divorced. But the guy that comes out the end of this with his head held high and has done everything he could...gotten smarter...well, he will be one prized catch for any lady that comes later. You will be better able to be the husband you should have been before. And most importantly, God will reward you for following Him.

The easy way out is to walk out. At least short term. But, there will come a time where you will regret not giving everything you had to this marriage. And it will have nothing to do with your wife and her actions.

This will be tough in the short term, if you decide to try. But the benefits long term, for you and your wife...and for the kids...will be enormous.

So, think long and hard. Read up everythign you can on hear and on the books recommended. See your pastor. Continue to post here and ask questions. I think you will see that with knowledge, the pain and anger will ease.

And then you will know what to do.

In His arms.

Ahhh, trapped. I remember those feelings as if it was yesterday.

Wait, it was yesterday.

Listen to mortarman, sorrowjim. These trapped feelings are typical. All BH have them for varying periods and intensity.

You will also feel intense anger – oh, I predict, at around 6 months or so.

Then you will feel trapped again.

Then you will feel as if you will never understand.

Then you will feel everything at once....

You get the picture.

I am not belittling your pain. Far from it. I want you to know there are footsteps ahead of you in the sand. It is being lost in a wasteland. But there are many good hearted men and women calling to you from their own pathways out here.

Three months since D-Day is a drop in the bucket. At three months I still did not have the truth about anything relating to FWW’s long term affair (LTA).

At six months I did not think I could ever recover from an LTA that had gone on for half our M. I felt totally trapped and beaten down.

The only, and I mean only, thing that kept me at home was DS and my belief in the sacrament and sanctity of marriage.

In the back of my mind all this self improvement stuff was useful and OK. But what about her? She did this, not me.

Well, try to concentrate more on yourself for a while and do things to improve your own personal life. Take a class, get out of the house a bit, learn a language, buy a Harley (the motorcycle, not the MC expert), take your kids to a weekly movie... Feed your taker a bit with self improvement and pastimes you enjoy even if on your own. You will begin to feel less trapped. (Oh, and expose OM if you haven’t already. This additional insurance will help you feel better, too.)

But, you should also help your wife find out why she did this. Encourage her to go to IC, not just MC. Maybe attend a Retrouvaille weekend. Explore your marriage. If the two of you can lay bare the causes of her A you will feel less trapped.

I promise.

It’s been two years since DDay2 for me now and I only occasionaly feel trapped. I feel pretty darn good, actually. OK, except for yesterday.

Love is a choice, not a feeling. Well, so is hatred. You do not have to worry much about feelings unless you have none at all.

With prayers,

SJ,

Pay close attention to these folks who are far down the recovery road. As hard as it is, try and see what good things you do have in your marriage. Both my FWH and I agree that going our separate ways would have been easier that staying together has been. Notice that I didn't say better, I said easier.

The marriage we have today is so much better, so much more loving and satisfying that our pre-affair marriage, but it has been a very painful process. Many, many times over the past 22 months, I have wondered why we stayed together when our girls were already on their own.

We stayed together because we complete each other, because we love each other, and because neither of us can imagine a life without the other.

It still hurts. But I guess that old saying "no pain, no gain" fits here too.

You need to give this a lot more time before you walk away. You can always walk away but coming back might not be possible.

And another thing,

I just read your first posts, SJ.

You reap what you sow. You know that by your age.

Of course there is a connection! Anyone will see it. I think your wife has felt the truth of the title of your thread since the "incident". If you truly loved her, why would you ever do that? It was a betrayal of her in the first instance, SJ.

Please, study the MB principles on the main site. Learn what the Rule of Protection means, SJ. Take it to heart.

I think your W has more reason to fear you than you have to be angry with her.

I sincerely hope you and your wife can work everything out.

More than anything, she needs you to cherish and protect her. But I am seeing use and abuse here. There is a faint odor of hypocrisy wafting through your situation.

SJ, please call the MB counseling center for expert help.

With prayers,

You are getting some really good advice here and Aphelion
has a valid point. Those actions do not make for a strong relationship do they? OK, I and many others will never tell you to "get over it" because we know that it really is not that simple.

All those feelings you have are sooooo normal. I can tell you that my XW and I are better off today than we were prior to her A. What I have said to her, just the other day is "I will never have blind trust in anyone because of what I have learned. What I have is a bit of doubt about everyone." This was because she was upset that I "still" check her work e-mail and I was not happy with something she did not tell me about. A misunderstanding about my boundry? Perhaps. So I restated my boundries, clearly. Do I still get sick at the thought of her actions? Absolutely. In fact the term "filthy animal" comes to mind. This term for the love of my life? When I think of it, yes. I just do not LB by telling her what I am thinking.

Take Aphelion's advice. Call the center if you have any desire in saving your marriage. The morning after D-day my XW was a mess and her first comment was "oh my God, you can't even look at me"...and I could not. we'e come along way but she probably feels as if she will never get past her actions....but I'm still here....read others who put forth much effort to just get the affair broke up....half your work is done....

Morterman, Aphelion, Whome, SMOMW,

Thank you all so much for the fantastic encouragement.

It is a real blessing to have hope in my M and the thought that my lovely W and I can one day have something that is wonderful if we work hard enough.

Right now HOPE is what I’m feeding off of.

So if you ever feel like your words are falling on deaf ears… you couldn’t be more wide of the mark.

In gratitude,
Plank.

Do NOT move out!
Do NOT move out!
Do NOT move out!
Do NOT move out!
Do NOT move out!
Do NOT move out!

...and in case you missed it...

Do NOT move out!

Review Plan A... and check the link...General Welcome!

I've been here a long time (took a long hiatis... but I'm back).

Then start on Plan A... for real.

NSR

Thanks for your comments and sharing your experiences. They are very insightful and appreciated. Trust me, I have been giving a great deal of thought to my own actions, contributions, and feelings.

I’ve been trying Plan A, but to no surprise it’s difficult given the simultaneous feelings of anger, disgust, sadness, hopelessness, etc… I’ve read His Needs Her Needs and Surviving an A. I’m still having major trust issues, knowing that I’ll never know the full extent of her extra-marital activities. I guess I’ll never know for sure.

Aphelion: I’ve also given a lot of thought to one thing you said: expose the OM. All of discussion of exposure here seems directed at ending an ongoing affair. OM is not married and with 5 mos of NC, I fear that exposure would do more harm than good at this point. I initially confronted OM at his house (he behind locked metal screen door… ouch that hurt my knuckles!). He denies everything and offered to meet with me later to prove it with his cell phone records. I then came to realization that he did not cheat on me, my wife did. So my prob is not with him and I stopped wasting any energy with him. Given that NC had already been ongoing, I did no further exposure of him or my wife.

Finally, I don’t see a phone number anywhere on the site to call MB counseling center. Can you direct me?

Thanks again for all your thoughts and prayers. I’m hanging in there for the sake of my three kids and hope that our love will rekindle but it does not look good from here. Your stories give me hope.

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