She wants to move on and forget about the om. I want to move on as well but can't seem to forget about the hurt and deceit. I would like to forgive OM as well, but....too hard right now. How can I move on?
I think that almost all WW would like nothing more than just forget and move on. That was my experience for sure. After the A ends and they know they made a huge mistake, it is probably normal for the WW to want to just forget about the past and move forward.
If it was just that easy. You and your FWW need to have some serious discussions about your plan of how that you both are going to recover from this. I believe the first steps are as follows:
1) Commit to radical honesty. In a true partnership, there should be no secrets. Create an environment where your wife understands that you will try your best to refrain from angry outbursts and disrepectful judgements especially concering the A. In this environment she will learn to be comfortable and open up with you.
2) It is very important to make sure that both of you commit sufficient time to each other of undivided attention. My FWW and I started taking a walk each night. We have privacy and can discuss whatever is on our mind without the disruptions of TV, kids, laundry,etc. Early on I would really try to get at least 25-30 hours each week with at least an hour or two each day. The more the better. SH recommends at least 15 hours per week for all M.
3) Find a good MC and start going immediately. Make sure the MC is pro-marriage. You may both need IC as well. Professional guidance is vital in this process. The Harley's do theirs by phone which has some advantages of anonimity and convenience (we have to travel about 1.25 hours each way but travel time is worth the results.)
4) Complete the EN questionaire and discuss with each other. Find out how that you can both meet each others most important EN's and make a conscious effort everyday to do that.
5) Explain to your wife that although you want more than anything else to rebuild your relationship, her poor choices have caused you some pain that must be healed. The trust and innocence of your marriage is gone. You cannot undo what has been done, but you both can work through the issues building up to the affair and understand why the affair happened. In order for you as a BS to move forward, most likely, there are going to have to be two things forthcoming, time and information. Your FWW must understand that she is not in a position to bargain for what information that you need to accept what has happened and to try to work towards foregiveness. The more open she is and the longer that she maintains radical honesty with you about whatever your thoughts or questions are, the less you will want to know additional information over time. Do not put a time limit on asking her questions about what has happened. But you can set some boundaries that say if either of you gets uncomfortable with something that you can agree to come back to that issue later that day or in a few days.
5) Set some boundaries for your marriage. Mutual friends. NC with OM, accountability for time, openess on cell records, email, etc., policy of joint agreement. Even though the A is apparently over, these boundaries make it more difficult a relapse to occur.
Work everyday to Plan A with her. The hardest part of plan A is to get the A stopped. It appears that is already done but you must work on the issues that created the environment where your wife chose to fulfill her needs outside the M.
As for forgiving the OM...my personal opinion is don't waste your time. Pray that the Lord will replace your hate and want for vengence against him with compassion. He slept with someone else's wife. Doesn't matter why, but he has to live with what he has done for the rest of his life. Hopefully, if you focus your energy on rebuilding your R with your FWW instead of OM, good things will happen. You will eventually get to a point where you could give twoshits about him. Mr. Wonderings reminds us that the opposite of love is not hate, it indifference. When you become indifferent to OM (he is no longer an issue), you are well into recovery. The important thing is that you have regained control of your life. It is your choice to remain committed to the M, your choice to place reasonable boundaries in the marriage, and your choice to become the H that you wife has always wanted. If she is serious about rebuilding this M she will do the same and your M, although different than it ever was before the A, has an opportunity to be more fulfilling than ever before.
