I have been through a lot during my five-year marriage. H and I have been together for 8 years, married 5.
Half of the time that we have been together H has been unemployed. I have been the bread-winner, helped H pay off student debts, taken care of financial planning and paid 17 of the 18 thousand that we used as a down-payment on our house. I wanted to go back to school and try different career paths but never did because I felt that I was doing the right thing by working to keep our household financially stable. I planned to have children and a nice home with H. That was my motivation for working even when he wasn’t.
During the last two years H became addicted to online role-playing (Never Winter Nights - a Dungeons and Dragons type game). It became impossible to motivate H to go out to card-night and other social gatherings with our friends. H did not do his share of the housework. He was not interested in spending time with me.
One of his role-playing characters was a scantily clad female. I made many requests that he stop using this character as I was not comfortable with it. H did not heed these requests.
I did not handle this as well as I should have. I argued with H and said hurtful things to him. I started to go out with friends without H. Thinking that H would value his time with me more if he saw me less, I took up sports as a hobby. This did not work.
H agreed to play video games only on certain nights of the week but he never stuck to the agreement. At times I would try to interrupt his game playing because I wanted to have intimate time with H (emotional and/or sexual). H became very angry and aggressive at these attempts to interrupt his game and refused to end the gaming.
Mid September I walked in on H having a sexual chat conversation with a role-playing friend who he had previously told me was a 19 year-old boy. The person was in fact a 19 year-old girl on the rebound. It then came out that during the past two years H’s characters had been in three relationships with other characters in Never Winter Nights. The first relationship was brief. H was playing a female and became the girlfriend of a male. The second relationship lasted for most of a year. H was playing a female and became the lesbian girlfriend of a female. The third relationship was just beginning when I cut it short through my discovery. H had created a male boyfriend character for the 19 year-olds’ female character.
H had lied to me about his online activities. He kept these relationships hidden from me for two years while our marriage was falling apart.
I suggested that we separate. H will not even consider separating from me, even on a temporary basis.
H found this website and insists that by using the Marriage Builders steps he will change in to a good husband. I have trouble believing that it is possible for him to do this complete 360-degree change. I have trouble believing that H will not lie and keep secrets in the future. I have trouble believing that H will ever support me financially and willingly do his share of the housework. I have trouble believing that our marriage is strong enough for us to have children as it came to this breaking point prior to us having any.
What are your’ thought? Is this amount of change possible? Is it Probable?

************From Justuss**********
killerjoe1,
This is a SUPPORT site!!!

Yes, this amount of change is possible if it is done on both parts. Yes, it is probable if there is hard work on both parts. No, I would not consider bringing children into the marriage ... not unless the marriage is completely repaired and these problems are resolved; having children should go on the back burner so that you can both focus all of your energy on your relationship. Bringing children into an already hurtful marriage could prove to be an absolute disaster. As your post reads, you both already have so much on your plate that needs clearing. Without trust, there's nothing. Rebuild your foundation. You, BOTH of you, CAN DO IT!!!! We did! How far are you both willing to go to gain and retain a happy, healthy, trusting marriage? That is the key, not only to extinguishing your problems and difficulties, but to have true love and mateship for life. Practice, practice ...

May God Bless You & Keep You Both!!

Well... These two replies pretty much sum up the way I'm feeling (like a split personallity!).

Stay and work hard on a change
or
Go and have a rough time adjusting to a new single life

There is just no easy road here.

Gloomy,

IMHO, I think that your H has problems that require IC before you can work on your M. Is he willing to get what appears to be much needed help?

His obsession with role-playing young men and engaging in cybersex sessions with both young men and women certainly starts the alarm ringing in me.

May I ask you if you would enter into a relationship with someone if you knew this first?

I also suggest counseling; the two of you together. That helped my husband and I tremendously. It is important to know why (there's a deeper reason IMO) he is playing those games, and to such the "extent." And ... why he's remained unemployed so long. These answers will probably not be easy to hear, I assure you. But I've been there and I can only say, "I'd rather be hurt by the truth than hurt by any lies." You deserve to know exactly what you're dealing with. Knowing where you stand, you will be much more adept to make right decisions. Right now, things are too vague. Start at the beginning. This is a good place to start and it sounds like he's willing. You will both need to be completely, utterly, gut-wrenchingly honest and fear risking your marriage before you will be able to save it. It takes a lot of courage.

Well, H says he never did cybersex. He just role-played that he was in a relationship with these other people.
Though he has lied before I would like to believe that much is true. I guess I have no way of knowing really.

I have urged H to go for counseling but he is not interested.

*****edit*****

*********second request********


******SUPPORT****

I am the H.
I have been on this website trying to better our relationship. We have been to counselling and it's not working out with the counsellor. We will find another. I am willing to do anything to work this out. I have never cybered as my original post states.

We have been working this out and spent alot of time together over the last few months. I stopped roleplaying cold turkey and don't miss it at all. So much more to say...

rpnomore/H,

Good to hear. Although you stopped roleplaying and don't miss it at all, it is still a barrier in the relationship as it pertains to the impact on your W.

I am happy to see your statement, "I am willing to do anything to work this out." So now the question is: Do both of you want the marriage and are you both willing to work on everything without any reservations whatsoever? Have you made a decision to remain in the marriage, for better, for worse? If so, that will certainly help you both pertaining to abandonment issues, among other fears pertaining to trust that may crop up.

I know it's hard, but try to find a counselor that both you and your wife are comfortable with. And by all means, make sure this therapist is non-judgmental & neutral (most are) and FULLY SUPPORTS your and your W's intention of saving the marriage without question.

Meanwhile, I suggest parental controls and let your W handle any online access; that's a start. Surf together here or elsewhere together to save your marriage. If that feels controlling to you, perhaps the two of you could compromise and address something she could do that would help you as well.

H - If you are really willing to do anything to work this out you should go personal counseling. You do have issues that you will need to admit to and genuinely want to resolve before we can have a healthy relationship.

I feel like it would be a good idea for me to move out of the house for a while. I need a neutral space so that I can think things through.

Dear Gloomy,
I'm sorry you have to be here, but it can be a very supportive place to be. It is good that your H is willing to work with you as well.

I am not one of the more experinced posters, but I would think that leaving is not a good thing.

I would encourage you to both go to couple counseling and for both of you to go to individual counseling as well.

Hang in there. Keep posting.
p

I ditto this post!!! Leaving could create some big problems. Remember those abandonment issues I mentioned, and instilling fear into our mate? It sounds like it is a very premature decision to consider leaving when you haven't even started. And I also agree, couple and individual counseling.

moveforward and everyone else who has posted

Thanks for the reply. I am going to personal counseling. We did try marital counseling as well.

The marriage counseling was not working. I felt that H was using the sessions to address his personal issues with his mother. H felt that I was “ripping him to shreds” at the sessions, as he says in one of his posts.

I only signed up to post on this website today, but H has been signed up for a couple of weeks.

I am a little annoyed that he posed on this conversation as I feel that it might scare people away from responding. I have not posted on his conversations but maybe I should.

Neither of us is happy with the way that the other is portrayed in out posts. Maybe this is itself is another bad thing for our marriage.

Or maybe it's good for you both to post and get some neutral and supportive feedback? Isn't that what you both need? Help, caring, compassion, solutions? Sometimes things are hard to hear, and to do, but are necessary if you are here for the purposes you both propose. To love, honor, cherish, trust ... remember that. Then there's no need to be "not so nice" to each other.

2TearyEyes

I agree that moving out could be a bad move if I was 100% sure that I wanted to continue the relationship. At this point I am deciding.

It might seem like a hasty decision but I have been dealing with emotional ****** since mid September when this all came up.

If I am going to keep my job I need to find a way of reducing my emotional distress level. Right now I am such a basket case I can't handle the daily stress and conflict that come up at my office.

I have no idea how people who discover their spouse in an actual physical affair are able to continue going to work. I really sympathize with people in that situation. I am only dealing with online affairs and I don’t know how a person could endure more emotional torment.

Have you told your boss at work? I had to tell mine because my job was suffering. In fact, everything suffered.

If Marriage counseling is not going well and he is using it as individual counseling, maybe he needs that right now. Maybe he should do individual and later you two can go together. That is only a suggestion as I am not a professional.

I'm so sorry for your pain.
p

I hope to find you both here. Both of you, H & W, could use individual counseling on your own, that will help you both with the problems you describe above in your sessions together. Also ... remember that feelings are not facts.

Do the things outlined on this site together, that will help. I'm new, but there is excellent material here that is abundantly helpful if you do the exercises.

My husband and I were both VERY sensitive and both of us felt like we were "ripping each other to shreds." A good counselor will be able to straighten that out and help the other spouse communicate their feelings, and mediate in the interim. The way we communicated to each other was a big part of our problem ... and as it turns out, was probably the biggest reason for the really bad turn of events that transpired! As far as the way you have portrayed one another ... I don't believe you have anything to feel angry or ashamed or otherwise bad about, nothing to be ashamed of at all. Much worse has transpired in most of our marriages here.

People may do "bad" things, but that does NOT make them "bad" people. You should hear MY story!!!

My prayers are with you both and I hope you will remain for support and friendship from those of us that have been where you two are. There is a lot of support here and I don't think anyone is reluctant to help you. You may see a post in bad taste now and then, but as you can see ... the MAJORITY of us here offer compassion and support and those few "wrong" posts are being well taken care of.

That is why he needs IC.

You mentioned he is unemployed, if you move out, who pays his expenses? In any case, I don't recommend leaving if you really want to work on your marriage. In my case, after discovering my FWH's A, I almost made him move out. Although it would have been easier at the time to not have to deal with him, I thing that we probably would never have gotten back together if he had moved out.