Our 17th wedding anniversary was Sat. 10/29. I really didn't think we would be spending any more anniversaries together. I had originally made some wonderful plans, going into the city. FWH wasn't too excited about it. Then I thought about it. I wanted to do something wonderfully different...but in reality our M is not so wonderful...yet. I made arrangements for the kids to overnight with friends. FWH and I went out to dinner alone and rented a movie came home snuggled on the couch w/ candle light and watched the movie...at least the beginning of it. I know it doesn't sound special or exciting but it was real. We were alone. There was no LB and we even talked about our R a little.

We didn't exchange cards or gifts. I couldn't find a card that seemed appropriate...maybe we should start a line of MB cards for all different occassions. I said that I thought I had made my feelings clear as to what I wanted for our M. He agreed. I told him that I had 3 questions for him. That regardless of how he answered I would listen to his answers and not ask any follow up questions...but...he could not answer the question with "I don't know".

#1) What do you think makes a good marriage.
FWH: A relationship where 2 people get along and have a partnership.

#2) Do you want to have that kind of marriage w/ me?
FWH: Time will tell...its the kind of marriage we use to have.

#3)What are you willing to do to make that happen?
FWH: Work on it everyday.

So it wasn't a wonderfully romantic anniversary, but we had conversation, there wasn't tension between us being alone and we did enjoy ourselves. Baby steps.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Yea!!!! IMHO, this is a big step.

Same happened w/ us. What jump started me was of course, the OW knew our anniversary (dumb WS told her), she even planned their 'supposed wedding' in the same month (is she insane or what). But the gall is that she made sure she called me on our anniversary and the day after. Dork! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

But I gave the Xws the same type of questions. He wasn't allowed to say I don't know either. It worked! Slow but it surely worked.

Keep it up. Quite proud of U! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L.

Awww C42,

Sounds like a good night. Also sounds like things are heading in the right direction. At least your husband knows that it is going to take work every day and sounds like he is willing to do that. You are doing a great job!

Great job, C42.

Thanks for the reponses Orchid, Lost and Luna! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Things have been moving so slowly...its frustrating...sometimes I feel like giving up. Sometimes I wish I had gone into plan B, maybe I am use to the drama I've lived with for the last year or so. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

He has never said it but it feels like he is holding on to the fantasy of the OW. You know...I gave up so much...she was wonderful...she understood me...blah,blah,blah. She never had the chance to fail at meeting his needs. I wonder if he will ever look back and see her "warts" or if he will carry around the fantasy of how his life would have been with her.

I appreciate your responses and support...I feel foolish posting because the other situations here are in such crisis...it feels like I'm whinning. I don't like to whine. Its a waste of time.

Orchid-As always...love your encouragement and humor. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> I'm never sure if I'm on track so it means alot when you give me a nudge in the right direction.

Luna I've been following your thread...You are doing really well...keep posting I'll lend my support even if I don't have advice.

Lost-What's going on in your neck of the woods? I see you post to others but I've been wondering how things are going for you? Did you ever get the recorder?

^^bump^^

c42,

I have been following your story off and on and know it's dispairing especially when things aren't progressing as fast as you like.

From where I stand it looks like you have made lots of progress.

Didn't you WH initially say he didn't see you in his future. That is exactly what my WW said in July.

Making the decision to go to Plan B is a tough one so evaluate how things are going and if you feel they are progressing (even slowly) you may want to keep on Plan A'ing. In the event that you still need Plan B, it will make it that much more effective.

Stay strong. We are praying for you.

HTW-I've followed your thread on and off as well...how are things going for you now?
edited to add: Just found your thread and catching up will post to you there.
When I look back to where we were a year ago and things are much better. I see married friends around us that do not get along as well as we do yet they believe they have a "good" marriage...they don't have the A hiding in the corner. We haven't fully dealt with that yet...which has the biggest reason for my dissatisfaction. Before MB I may have settled for this...the conflict avoider in me...at least he stopped seeing her and he's home. But now I have these little MB voices with me that say don't ignore the elephant in the room...that sounds like alien babble...what kind of marriage do you want?...don't settle for crumbs...you deserve to be treated with respect. These little voices give me courage and strength.

I would say FWH is still in withdrawl. I don't know how long A was but we met OW and her family 5 years ago. I wouldn't say we are in recovery yet. Other than having NC with OW and staying home at night, FWH has not made efforts to repair marriage. I will not blind sided by a relapse...if that occurs I will go straight into plan B. I'm not afraid of it but I do want to use it effectively.

Thanks for remembering me in your prayers as I will for you.