I am at a loss about what to do. I found 4 months of emails mentioning about how they wished they had stayed to together and often mentioned how much they looked forward to their secret phone calls. Many emails talk about the phone calls and they clearly had talked about all the sex they had back then. They talked about they loved to hear each other laugh. They talked about her boob job. She complained about her miserable marriage... a lot. Most of these emails were from her, but he definately discussed sex and other inappropriate matters. We live a long way away so it was no physical but she has 3 emails asking when he was coming down to visit. He had mentioned to me recently that he needed to go down there before the snow became a problem. He was suicidal when he was 19 and she dumped him for the man she ended up marrying 22 years ago. They have been divorced and remarried. Husband and I have had some serious issues in the past and were in counseling this past year to get through them, and we had! It was a miracle how truely wonderful things had become. NOW i find out, while we were doing all this re-building he was having an EA with her. He says he never cared about her. He says that it was all a game to him because she was now wishing that they had stayed together. He is sorry. He is sorry that he is caught. We have two small children to consider but I am so filled with rage, contemp, disgust and pain that I just can't stand to be around him. He says I am over reacting because he still loves me and since there was no sex, there was no affair. Sorry to ramble...just can't stand anything right now. I am having trouble just functioning in my normal tasks.

When did you find this all out?

Did you save the emails?

about 2 weeks ago. I sent her a hateful email and she never responded, didn't expect her to, but she has not emailed since then and neither has he...UNLESS they just moved it to his work email or something. I do believe that the emails have stopped and I believe that he has no desire to contact her, for now. I am not certain about the future though. This was his big heart break. Geez, talk about living in the past! I just can't believe this.

We went through almost a year of therapy to get over the pain that he created when he drank (8 years ago) and his verbal abuse. I put so much effort into forgiving all that and things were getting great again. Now, this is just a huge crash from where we are. I don't have the energy to even go back to MC. I just don't know what to do. MC suggested I let her husband know about this and I don't know if that's a good idea. Actually, I just can't make a decision about anything. I just want to find a huge hole and hide in. I just don't get this

Yes, I have it all. I cut and pasted the whole mess and have read it so many times I have it committed to memory. I dream about this

Actually, it is an excellent idea to tell the OW's husband. It is much easier for them to carry on the affair if one of the spouses does not know. Exposure to both spouses increases the odds of the affair REALLY ending. It will be much harder to carry on the affair if her H knows and is watching from that end. If her H doesn't know, the OW and your H can "pretend" they are just good friends and the OWH will nevr be the wiser. I would suggest doing this right away without forewarning your H. This will buy you the extra insurance you need to make sure this affair doesn't go to the next level. I would give the OWH a copy of these emails so she can't spin about the true nature of the affair.

The second thing you can do is ask him to send her a no contact letter that you both write together. You should be the one to send it. [sample below]

And lastly, I would suggest watching him like a hawk. Check his cellphone bill, put spyware on his computer, do what you have to do to watch your back until he has restored trust.

Also, get your hands on the book Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. It will be an enormous help.

Sorry you are here, my friend, but just know you are in the right place.

Sample no contact letter:

Dr. Harley's (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she?s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

I have never met these people (to my knowledge). I am afraid about her husband. What if he is crazy or something and drives up here or something? The last thing I need or want are more problems. She says some pretty suggestive things in her emails to my husband. I guess I am scared to do it. I actually did call their house (she gave all the phone numbers in her emails to my husband with the times to call and not call) and left a message but he didn't call back. I tried once more a few days later but the machine didn't come on. I told my husband that I intended to tell her husband and I told her that as well in my email to her. But since then, I guess I started thinking that it could have a bad outcome. Does that make sense?

I like your letter idea. He sent one last (I think) email to her and I saw it. But then, he probably knew I would see it too so I don't know how truthful it was. He said that he thought they were just old friends BSing each other about old times and nothing more. For the most part, he is sorry, but also is justifying and minimizing this. This was a full blown EA. I showed the emails to two close girlfriends and they were stunned by it. It was very sexual (mostly her, but he participated some) and hurtful.

sick, no it doesn't make sense. If the OW is not scared of her H finding out about an affair, why should you be? I assure you that contacting him will most likely have a GOOD OUTCOME, not a bad one. He will be grateful that you warned him. Let's remember who the real victim is here. He should have the same opportunity to save his marriage that you have received.

I would suggest disguising your caller ID when you call and do not leave any messages that she can intercept. I think if you dial *69, it disguises your #.

It will also really make my husband furious at me...not that I care about that much anymore. I just don't want more trouble than I already have. He seems to be more interested in what other people will think about what he has done than how I feel about it. He just doesn't get it. He thinks because he didn't have sex I am over reacting and "off the deep end". I read and re-read all the words and what is written about their sexy phone calls and it makes me sick.

Yes, it will make your H furious, but it will also ensure that the affair has not/will not resume. Is your goal to appease him at all costs or is it to end the affair? Your marriage can survive some anger about exposure, it can't survive an affair. Besides, your H said this is just an innocent friendship, then how could be possibly object to telling her H about this wonderful friendship?

While there was not sex, it WAS sexual and not at all innocent. I still have some problems with his anger and his verbal abuse. I am much better at it now. I am so angry about all the forgiveness that I had to muster over all of the years of the alcohol and yelling and name calling. When that was FINALLY over, this happens? What will I have to forgive next year? I can't stand to think about the pain of divorce for our boys but I just don't think I can ever forget the things they said to each other.

AND, he is still maintains that this was NOT an EA. This was JUST two old friends BSing each other. Since he won't admit that it was any kind of affair, he continues to get mad at ME for my response to all of this. He just says that I am over reacting, that he loves me with all his heart and I just have to work through it. He admits that it "looks bad on paper" but it didn't mean anything. yea, right.

Hello,
Well, I have typed two responses to you and both of them have vanished. I'll try again.

I'm sorry you are here. I am here for a similar situation, only for my husband, the EA turned into a PA. While it was just internet chatting and emailing, he didn't think of it as an affair either. He was just chatting with an old friend and he felt like he was play acting.

When they met and would up having sex, he knew he had really screwed up (pun intended). That pretty much bought the affair to an end. The guilt really got to him and he suffered physically. His health went into a downward spiral.

He was very sorry for what he had done, but was not sorry I found out. After d-day, his health improved and we are working together to improve the marriage. He now realizes it was an affair even in the chatting stages.

You have gotten good advice. Read the articles, the book Surviving an affair. My OB/GYN suggest the book Private lives, Infidelity, the Betrayal of Intamacy. You can read the first chapter online at Amazon.

You said you were working on your marriage while this was going on. Were you in couseling? if so, can you go back? If not, is it possible?

Maybe he would read some of the articles on the site as well? I hope the best for you.
p

I don't think I care to go to MC anymore. What is the point anymore, anyway? All the while we were going, he was emailing and calling her. I don't have the energy to hash through this anymore. All I get is emails from him saying he loves me. Ha! I sure feel the love.

Well, you are the one that has to make the decision to fight for him and your marriage or let it go. We can't decide that for you. If you want to fight, fight like a tiger to save it.

We have to do a lot we don't want to, we have to face a lot of fears and emotions we don't want to face.

If you plan to fight, arm yourself with all the possible resources - books, counseling, and an attitude that is going to be as fierce as a lioness protecting her cubs.


But, in the end, you are the one that has to decide.

If he would send her a letter of no contact and give you access to all of his emails, cell phone, phone, etc, would you be willing to give it a go?

What would it take for you to be willing? Tell him.

p