Married with children paot bothered me quite a bit, but it's not only her post but others that I've read where the BS makes a statement that the active WS is a good parent and when ever I read this I cringed.

I believe in my heart of hearts that there is no way that a man or a woman active in an affair, can not and will never be a good parent, how many times on this site do we read where the BS has had enough but stay and try to work it out because they do have kids.

WS's that move out and still claim to love there kids are lying, you can not love your kids if you live with your affair partner (and thier kids if they have them) your kids when they visit gets to see not only the partner that replaced their parent but also gets to see the kids that replaced them, see how thw ws parents shows their love for their kids? See you have a room that you can spend time in almost like time share with out the rental fee.


Some try to show their love by buying things, yeah the kids love it , hey what kid wouldn't!!! but after a while they know they are being fobbed off, and they will know that they will never be the light in the WS's eyes, and if pused came to shove they will be comming in 3rd.


They know that when it's time to visit that they will never get one on one time. it will always be a "NEW FAMILY" event, always jostling for the attention of the ws, with the gf/bf or the other kids..... wondering when the ws is even 20 min. late if they will be coming at all....or why they didn't call or even if they remembered that it was their wk with them.

The ws will never be there, for the first kiss, or date, making the team, or the everyday quips and smart remarks or funnies kids make the mundames thing like yelling for them to pick up their clothes, reading the bedtime stories.


Now I do not have kids nor am I a BS, but I know and Knew the love of a good parent, my mother raised 5 girls on a grade school ed. she worked 3 jobs, but she always made time for us coming to our school plays. food on the table, she showed her love for us and we knew it, we always knew it no questions asked.

My mom and I had our fights and but I never yelled or showed her any disrespect to her, when she was dying from pancreatic cancer, we cared for her at home, (at one point she asked us why we were still there caring for her, I think it hurt her to see us us in such pain knowing that she would leave us soon) and I told her that Mom, you show us how to love, and show such love when we were growing up, that if was only natural for us to do the same for her.
Even the nurse made a comment to my sister that she have never seen suck loved shown to a dying parent.


This is what a good parent does, love their child, make scrafices for their kids, put them first, not the feel good mojo from the affair that will wear off in a yr or 2, from what I read hear BS will jump in front of the kids to keep them from harm, where as a ws will only say those words to make themselves look brave or to feel good knowing that it will never come to that.

Sorry if this comes across as rambling but ...

Married does have a lot of thinking to do but if it was me in her place I do not think that I would be able to let him in there with me due to the fact that he has already abandoned the child he has already.

I agree with your thinking because I feel the same way if only the court system in the us would view it that way.

While the infidelity is onging...
...it is by definition, impossible to be a good parent.

A parent's role is to set an example...
...and not be hypocritical. (what would the Great Pumpkin say <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

Once the WS returns, and completely renounces any and all vestiges of the infidelity...
...returns to a good example of a faithful spouse...
...it can be possible.

NSR

Too bad the courts don't care. The WS can take the kids, establish presidence and then be awarded custody. Courts don't care about the affair.

T

I did not even read your post but read the title (sorry, it is late am I am tired tonight).

Can a WS be a Good Parent? That is a rhetorical question! A WS hurts more than the BS - they hurt everyone they have ever loved... espeically their children.

A WS puts themselves first. Over every one - their spouse, their children, everyone. How many times has everyone here heard "It is the best for the children". Come on!!! Except in a disfunctional, abusive enviroment, when is it best for the children????

A WS is an awful parent - nobody can tell me different.

Keith

In my family's case, my WH doesn't even talk to the kids. He makes promises and never follows through. At this point, he is a lot less emotionally mature and responsible than his teenage son. The good part is that there is no ugly custody battle going on. The bad part is that WH has alienated his children in a horrible way.

WS have little time for children. I think perhaps they are a vague memory? habit? desire? control tool? from a time before the alien took over. A person in a middle aged crisis is basically a gray-haired teenager. Rampant hormones, poor decision-making capabilities and little impulse control. People with those tendancies don't make good parents.

Welcome to my life.

IMHO - WS are only parents when it suits them and their new life. My DD was only just 1 year old when he decided to leave 8 months ago. WBF tells me how much he thinks of her. But the reality is that he turns up once during the week, to see her and on Sunday's, but if something else comes up on the Sunday he will cut short his time with DD. He does enjoy his time with her, but as someone else mentioned she is number 3 priority in his life.

If DD is sick, he is never available to look after her, he only wants to be a 'Good Time Dad' which to me is not being a parent at all!

So I agree that WS cannot be a good parent.

I agree here. One of the things we'd always tried to impress on our children is the importance of honesty. When ever the children would get into mischief, as long as they were honest about what they did, they usually got off with a warning (unless it was a serious or often-repeated offense). If they lied about it however they got in a lot more trouble. Words of my WW, " I hate when people tell lies!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I cringe when I hear her say that after D-day....

Add on to that the effect that an eventual separation/divorce will have on the children, dismissed as someone else mentioned, 'The children will be better off!', or even (as in my case since her children are from an earlier marriage), 'They were fine when I left their father!'. Actually they weren't fine, very confused and insecure, but IMO better off since he was an abuser and a serial cheater. Contrast this with the mother that my WW was before the A, very giving and very willing to make sacrifices to make her children feel safe, happy, and loved.

And finally, the example it sets for the childrens relationships in the future. I'd always worried about how the children saw their father's string of "GFs", and tried to help them understand that such a thing is not right to do. Now their mother is doing the same.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Can a WS be a Good Parent? That is a rhetorical question! A WS hurts more than the BS - they hurt everyone they have ever loved... espeically their children.

I believe that no truer statement has ever been posted on these boards............

ARK^^

During Mr Pep's 2 year affair ... he was a LOUSY parent

and he has acknowledged this himself

my thinking .... NO parent having an affair is the BEST parent they could possibly be ...

the sticking point is in how one defines "good" .... well, in my opinion ~~~> NOT GOOD ENOUGH

I can chime in here without equivocation...all the time I was in an affair my emotional availability was almost nil. There were so many levels of preoccupation, including self-loathing and guilt, depression, etc., that it was hard for me sometimes to do the minimum, much less be emotionally present in the way that kids need. Because that's the bottom line, really: what kids need is someone who pretty much selflessly CARES, viscerally, how they feel/felt about things that are happening in their life, right then, that day, including what might happen tomorrow or next week or next month.

Being in an affair closes off and depletes parts of a person in a really icky way--parts to which kids need unfettered access. Being there at the dinner table every night and never missing a school play because you successfully juggled your trysts and family life does not constitute good parenting.

All very true! Added to the fact that when it is all found out, the WS is now a very bad example for the kids! It is pretty sad when you have to tell the kids "Well, you dont want to be like Mom (or Dad)."

In His arms.

The only hopeful rejoinder I would have to that is to also point to the example of David (Ps. 51).

Thankfully, I don't expect to be perfect in my kids' eyes, either. I think even if I could claim faithfulness in marriage, I would be careful to never characterize myself to them as anything but a poor sinner. Any good I have in me comes from God, no question about that.

I was a horrible mom during my A...kids got neglected so i could spend more time online with OM...kids got left with grandparents more while in town so I sneak off and meet OM...I was shorter with them, no patience...

BUT if you tried to convince me I was a bad mom, I would have fought you tooth and nail - I was convinced not only did I know what was best for me (feeling good) but that I knew what was best for my kids.

What a shock when I started recovery to realize what a poor influence and how much time I took away from my kids. It was one of the hardest things to deal with...

When H became a WS - same thing - he barely saw his kids, got mad at them if they interferred with his online time with OW...stopped taking them places and doing things with them - only on occassion - it actually showed me how I must have been with them and it saddened me even more.

I would like to say though - if your WS is a FWS - even if you divorced, they realized what they did was wrong, tried to right the situation, but it all ended in divorce anyhow - they are not a bad parent - if they came out of the fog -but the marriage couldn't be fixed - well - they cam eout of the fog and realized thier actions were wrong and tried to fix things. In those cases - it's personal judgement.

All so very true! Good point.

In His arms.