We've been reconcilling a short time. All the core emotional stuff is coming up and having to be dealt with. Our communciation on these issues is so much better than it was pre A. It's very tough and FWH would still rather sweep it under the carpet...if I let him!
When he first returned FWH said he took full responsibility for the A and we both agreed it was a 50/50 as far as the downslide in our marriage was concerned. We've successfully identified what we both felt was missing and are trying to work on those things.

Twice now in discussion, granted when it's got heated and he's feeling angry he tries to say it's not just his fault that it's both our faults the A happened. Not in those exact words but with that intimation. I throughly resent this and have communicated that although our marriage may have provided the climate for an A to start it was ultimately his choice to cross the line. He had 2 choices...1) Tell me he was unhappy in our marriage. 2) Have an A. That the A was entirely about him, his issues, his weakness, his selfishness. I'm angry that he feels he can justify the A in some way by saying the marriage was bad, your partly responsible for that so you're in some way responsible for my having the A. OK he's not said this is so many words either but that it what he is conveying to me.

I need to him to accept full responsiblility how do I move forward without this? I'm growing madder by the minute thinking about it.

Can I vent?

I want him to see that all this sh*t is down to him. That it was entirely his actions that have brought about this nightmare. That whatever peoples reactions are to him he has brought it upon himself. That he has broken something within me and our son. That he may have got off lightly compared to some reactions BS's display, if he thinks this is bad he hasn't got a clue just how bad it could be if I was handling it differently. That he is THE PRIME MOVER. To be 100% accountable and darn well deal with it!!!


Phewwww... I needed that

Thank goodness I have an IC session today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks so much as always for listening...opinions most welcome!!

The first thing my FWH said to me when I confronted him on D-day was. "I will accept 51% of the blame for my affair, but 49% is yours." It is a good thing this conversation took place over the phone, because at that point, I might have beaten him to death with a 2X4.

He has come around and now accepts 100% responsibility for his decision and actions. We equally share the responsibility for neglecting our marriage and letting it reach a point where he considered an affair an acceptable activity.

I was the gueen of LB outbursts for almost one year following D-day and I can say now that it only slowed our progress.

As difficult as it is, try and be more patient with him. Once he begins to "detach" completely from the past, and look at his actions more clearly, he will begin to see that he never gave you a choice. Come on, how many BS's here would have said, sure, go ahead and have an affair, our marriage sucks anyway.

weepingwillow,

You are ahead of me on this. I may never get a chance at reconciliation.
BUT I can relay what Steve Harley conveyed to me in my first counseltation with him. There are three steps that need to be taken, in chronological order, before recovery can begin. None of the steps can be missed and it is important that they happen in this order. It is the WS/FWS responsibility to lead the BS through these steps.

Stage One of WS Reconciliation
a. The WS should reveal the truth about why the affair happened. The reasons should not include the BS. Even the BS's neglect of EN, even physical or emotional abuse can not be referred to as reasons for the A. Many people are exposed to this that even given the opportunity do not engage in an affair. Adulturous behavior can be blamed only on the actual participants.
b. The WS should reveal the what, when, and where of the affair. Answering all the questions that the BS has the need to know about the A.

Stage Two of WS Reconciliation
Validation is the big word here. The WS needs to validate that he/she truly understands the depth and scope of the wound they have inflicted. They should understand exactly what this has done and continues to do to their spouse.

Step Three: Protect and Heal
The WS should agree with the BS on a plan to protect the BS from further damage. A plan for ensuring that this kind of damage will not happen in the future should be made. A plan for healing, reestablishing saftey and trust should also be made.

"I had no choice but to have an affair."
"She met my needs and you wouldn't."

FOG TALK

He cannot be convinced. If you are responsible for this affair, you'll be responsible for the next one, too.