Had an AWFUL night last night. My wife hate our cat that I had before we got married. She sees her as really dirty even though she's an indoor only cat. Indeed, she was feeling kind of oily and making my alergies act up. In the past, a bath always helped her coat look really nice and cut down on the alergens.

My wife is a neat freak. And I knew the idea of cat hair in the tub would be disgusting to her. But we don't have a utility sink. I've mastered giving my cat a bath over the years. I fill up the tub, put her in it, I get in too, and take a cup and run water over her gently and she has gotton to the point where she's soo calm about it that she actually purrs as I give her the bath!!

So my wife comes home. I tell her not to look as I know she isn't going to like the hair. But she doesn't leave the room but rather sits there and naggs and tells me how absolutely disgusting it is. That I have cat hair on me and how disgusting that is. She would not stop. She just went on and on and on and on and closely inspected everything I did -- looking for things to complain about.
And complain she did. I started out nicely asking her to go to another room and leave me along. Then it got more heated. "SHUT UP!! Get the ****** out of this room and leave me alone!!", I yelled at her. I yelled quite a few obsenities. "****** you! You're crazy!! Get the ****** away from me!!" That was wrong but you have to understand that she was relentlessly nagging.

Once I was done bathing the cat, I had already planned on cleaning the tub and taking a shower to clean myself off. But my wife stood and watched every move. The tone had calmed down a bit and I said "You're making me uncomfortable watching me. I've got this taken care of. Please leave" I said. But she would not. After scrubbing the tub with clorox, she demanded that I wash each one of the shampoo bottles. I thought this was a bit much but I complied. She wanted all the towels washed in the washing machine. I did so. Then she wanted the rug on the bathroom floor washed. I resisted but eventually complied. She demanded I wash down the tile floor. I refused. This was just too much. I told her "this conversation is over. I don't want to talk to you anymore tonight".

But she would not stop. She nagged and nagged and nagged asking me to give her a good reason why the floor shouldn't be cleaned also-- that disgusting cat hair was on the floor... I felt this was a hollow plea for logic just to get me to keep answering her questions and wearing me down. Trust me, there was no hair visible on the floor. I even took some tissue paper and ran it over the floor-- especially the corners-- to try and get any hair that there might be. She would not take no for an answer. When I refused to talk to her, she got closer and closer. I was sitting on a recliner and she litterally crawled up on top of me and got up in my face. I just closed my eyes or looked off into the distance. She said things like "you are making this hard on yourself; just do what you're supposed to (clean the floor) and this will be over". I felt totally disrespected. I clearly told her that she was invading my personal space and to leave me alone and she refused.

Then she got on a kick about how I was acting immature by not communicating with her by looking off into the distance and not talking to her. From my point of view, the only thing I was trying to do is not allow her to wear me down by nagging me about it over and over and over and over.

The night ended with her huffing and going to bed. I spent the night on the couch-- both because she didn't want to be near my body that had had cat hair on it and because we were mad at each-other and didn't want to be near each-other.

It sucked. What do you guys think? I think she has serious control issues and issues with not respecting when I say "No", issues with respecting my personal space, etc etc. For all you married couples, isn't this way beyond the norm of the way a wife treats her husband? And isn't her bahavior extreme even for a controlling wife? She seems to stop at nothing when she wants something a certain way. I imagine there are controlling wives that at least respect their husband's "no" as "no" and don't physically get in his space. My wife really worries me. If it were a guy that got up on me like that I'd seriously hit him. But I went the extra mile to not touch my wife as not to escalate anything into the physical. I feel this is such a dangerous place to be though.

What should I do?

I know how it is about animails I have a cat that I have had for 13 years, my husband hates him, he is very tempermental, if I leave for long periods of time or not give him enough attention I will get a presant in my bed, I can not judge your wife but that is a little extreme, I have many problems of my own, but calling your wife crazy will make a woman be crazy to you, I know when me and my husband get into it that is the first thing he will say, (not to mention my mother is bi-polar) I have been check and nothing wrong with me, I am a clean FREAK AS WELL, but have you sat her down to talk as adults no name calling that might help, do it over a nice public dinner it cant get out of hand there. My husband trys to control me as well and I have just put my foot down a marriage is a two way street not one person calling the shots. He did not like it at first but he is slowly getting use to it.

The obsenities and calling her crazy was wrong.

Like you say, I do feel VERY MUCH that it's often a one way street. I'm a very relaxed person. One of my pet peaves is that she throws her towel down on the floor every morning and leaves it there. The towel doesn't dry properly which means she's probably going to take the only one left-- MINE! So I could make a deal about it... I have calmly asked her to try to remember to pick it up if she can remember. But most mornings she forgets. I just pick it up and hang it for her and don't say a word because it's not really the end of the world. I have the ability to let things go. She doesn't.

Anyway, what would you have done differently if you were in my shoes to try and achieve better results? You mentioned putting my foot down. But let's say I had refused to wash each shampoo bottle down. That would have made her really mad and seemed like I was being difficult and trying to make her angry. Often when I resist, she treats it as me creating conflict. She actually tried to blame all of last night on me. When I "go with the program" she is calm. But if I flat out refuse, she really gets mad and it escalates things. I know that what is going on is wrong but when I try to use normal menthods to makes the situation better -- such as removing myself from her company, it just makes things worse. She always twists things and flips things to try and make me feel guilty or make it sound like it's all my fault. Creating distance for example because she's not treating me with respect is seen as "selfish" and "not the actions of a good husband". She honestly has very little self control or "rules" for herself or lines that she has decided she won't cross.

I just can't think of a rational, healthy "system" by which to create negatives when she crosses my boundaries. Like when she is in my physical space... the only options I can think of is to ask her to stop doing that, then physically remove myself from her presence-- ie. leave the house because no matter what room I go to, she's going to follow me. But that is slightly "unhealthy" in that I am "running" from our problems???? In a healthy environment, I would simply go to a room where she were not and remove myself from her presence till she is more agreeable to be around.

I don't frequent this board often, so I'm not sure if there's more to your story than what is here, but I have to say I'm worried for you. If the tables were turned and it was a husband treating a wife like your wife is treating you, most people would say those actions were verbally abusive and possibly early signs of physical abuse to come. It was wrong for you to yell and call her names. However, it was wrong of her to not leave the room when you asked and very wrong of her to continue yelling at you and invading your personal space. I think you did the best possible thing by not responding to her and keeping your distance. Have you guys had any type of therapy to address these behaviors?

Yep. There have been previous incidents of violence by her.

Usually that kind of stuff has it's roots in a previous abusive relationship such as abusive father or ex-boyfriend. I asked her if she had a history of violence in family or relationships and she said no-- that she never fought physically with her ex-- that I just make her feel THAT crazy. I know that is at least partially untrue because she herself told me of mild abuse that she experienced from her ex--- that he'd grab her chin with his hands and push her head to the side.

Because it was a girl doing the hitting and not me, and the chances that a girl hitting a guy is going to hurt him is slim, I've let it slide to an extent (there's probably been 2 to 3 incidents over a year). I do agree that this is a serious problem though.

She just came by my office and we tried to talk. She did nothing but blame me. Call me immature, tell me that I didn't know how to communicate. She didn't take an ounce of blame. I'm SOOOOOOOOOOO tired of this.

Among other things, one thing that I hated is that she tries to change the past. Saying "I was just joking; you're the one that took it all seriously". She claims she was just joking when she was complaining while I was washing the cat and that I was the one that flew off the handle and escalated things by calling her names.

This seems like revising history to me. I've read about such things where the abuser tries to redefine what happened. She has done this before claiming after the fact that she was "kidding". I don't believe her this time. She is a manipulative liar.

To answer your question about theropy, I went yesterday actually (before the incident of last night). My wife and I have many problems so I had to choose which one I wanted to focus on to work on. I chose something else figuring that the physical violence from her was in our past. I did touch on her controlling ways but that wasn't the focus either.

It was a good session. I always feel like I walk away with a "catch phrase" or a simple lesson learned and I did.

wasp I'm sorry you're going through this. My wife and I have some friends in a simliar situation as yours. its a vicious cycle that needs to be broken. I think its great you all are in counseling. Our friends went to counseling a few time but that didn't last because they were told something by the counselor (who it the nail on the head) about what was going on and they left, never to return.

Makes me wonder sometimes how much they really want to be helped. They can't just up and leave because someone tried to help. Bascially they just didn't want to own up to them both having a hand in an unhealthy relationship. I expect misery loves company and for some people life will always be like that because they choose not to do anything. Hope all works out with you and your wife though.


Joe

As much as I hate to admit it, I've been in that same argument. Maybe not the cat, but the same reactions from me and my H. I would walk into a room and H would imediately get defensive before I even said a word. He would act like a child that was trying to give excuses for a wrong and that threw me into the parent mode. I may not even be bothered by someting until my H yells "I didn't do it". Those few words can set me off on a rampage. Why is he acting like a guilty child? Why am I the only responsible adult in this house? Off I go on a search to find out what he did to be feeling so guilty. The more defensive he got, the more controling I became. We both pushed each other's buttons. We are working to correct these problems, but it is a tough cycle to break.

It does sounds like your wife needs to lighten up a little (DON'T TELL HER THAT!) You need to be considerate of her feelings. Perhaps you should try to wash the cat when you have time to make sure everything is cleaned before she gets home. If she does come in, don't get defensive like she is a freak. Watch your body language. A look can speak louder than words.

You may want to consider MC. The two of you have some communication problems. Your wife is controling, but you are too, in a passive way. You basically told her she was crazy and her thoughts and feelings didn't matter. She showed you she mattered. She is screaming for attention. Your wife needs to know that she is more important than the cat. The way you describe giving the cat a bath sounds almost sexual. When was the last time you were that gentle and enjoyed making your wife purr?

Thank you for that post. I think you taught me something (about body language and how my defensiveness can set her off). I didn't feel like I had much to apologize for before (except the name calling) and now I feel like I have quite a bit that I have to say to her. Thank you.

I am definitely not sexual with my cat but I hear what you are saying about making sure my wife knows she is more important than my cat.