to all my supportive friends out there,

Isnt it amazing how things can seem to be going so well then KABOOM, the bomb hits. I dont know how to take this now or how to handle it.

After a wonderful weekend including going to us with ow, i really thought we were all together on this. then i called ow on sunday night to let her know my mom had a breast pump for her if she wanted it she said sure thats great then it went down hill from there.

Ive told you all before my h dd is 18 and had met ow twice during there short relationship. well ow wants hd to be her coach now. my h told his daughter that that was fine but he didnt want her mother anywhere around her. hxw has been a thorn in our marriage our whole m. she told him she wouldnt, we had also told ow that was the only thing that would cause problems in all this. she had had 2 stipulations for us, 1. we dont try to take her baby, 2. the baby not call me mom, we agreed. our only one, no contact w xw. she had also agreed, said she had told h that she didnt agree with what xw did to h. well it most not of lasted.

After talking to her a few minites she started really going off on my h not caring, how he should be calling to see how baby is how he did this maybe he should see how it is to not get anysleep because baby sitting on bladder, mind you she is 4 1/2 months along baby weighs 12oz. she had driven out to hxw house to take hdd shopping with her on sunday. wanted to know what h thought of the names she picked well itold her h had told her, i told her i thought that was nice that she was including him ,but then she said if he comes out and looks like a hunter thats what shell name jhim, the name h doesnt like. iasked what does it matter then what he likes. she just kept going on and on about how they need to talk about how things are going to be done. when should she call him ,when her cotractions start or when she goes in the hospital. i said theres plenty of time and she just kept going on and on.

then she told me that she asked hdd to move in wiht her to watch baby while she works. then baby later go to daycare, i had told her that i would watch baby so she wouldnt have to pay for dc and b would be w family that love him. she then says no thats not an option.

she has claimed all along that its about whats best for b ,but that isnt what she showing and now im seeing a wall building between h and his d that has never happened. hdd wanted to do bshower for her at her momms, ow said no she wants it at her house, but hxw wants to go, i reminded her h wishes she said thats too bad, he needs to deal with it. she goes on of how he needs to stop avoiding her.

she claims she doesnt want him yet some of the things she said didnt appear like that. ive told you all that we all have been involved in the same club. well we havent been going because we dont want to be in the center of everyones gossip. yet she then goes on to say that he should just deal with it. and stop avoiding her, its not about her. she was wranting and raving,

I relly coulnt understand where all this was coming from, 2 days before everything was great, WHAT HAPPENED, then it occured to me she had met with hxw.

I cant express how badly this all hurt me. I really had believed that everything was going to go good that we all were going to work together to put this baby first. my heart is hurting so bad for my h and family.I hurt for this baby.

I am so scared of xw getting ahold of this girl and teaching her how to put h through h**** for the next 18 years. ill be honest i feel like this is to much to go through, i love my h, but i dont know that i want to go through all this again.

I was so hurt that i erased her # out of my phone now i cant call her, I have been praying for the will of God, I still feel that there is purpose that i just need to let this go for now and let God take care of it.

I did consider that maybe i am to let h deal with all this. ive been the one dealing with it all. maybe ive been protecting him ,he hasnt had to face the real consequences of his actions yet ,cause ive been handling it all for him. maybe its time to give it back to him.I didnt do this ,he did. he should deal with all of it, and i should step back and just support him.

thanks to all of you for being her for me, I dont know i could do this without you. please let me know what you think. h thinks she was just having a bad day. I feel i saw a side to her i cant ignore, I saw my hxw in her. i cant ignore that.
I cant believe how badly this has hurt me, thanks all, imtswife

Wow... well I guess she she isn't adhering to her end of the deal you can plan on the baby calling you mommy and also plan to file for visitation as soon as you can get it. It's amazing how these women think they are calling ALL the shots. This is your H's child too, he has rights. As far as her involvement with hxw and his DD, it's only a way for her to have some link to your H. She is grasping at straws.

I feel for you, and you're right, maybe you should consider if you are cut out for 18 years of this bull.

Oh and another thing, I'd be willing to bet my last dollar you would be a better option for childcare. She'd rather trust a freaking 18 year old??? Does she have a clue at all?? No diss meant on your stepD, she might be a great person, but my experience is that people that age are not very reliable for this sort of thing. It is a BIG responsibility to be caring for a child all day long.

thanks fcf,

yes its crazy, my hdd has much expirence w kids as she has taken care of her younger siblings from her mom. a bit to much id say. she is also going to school to work with children she worked in daycare at her highschool as part of her classes. but personally even if dd started doing it i dont think it would last, shes 18, doing college on line and has just gotten her fredom,her mom never seemed to allow her to do much. she is going to want to have her fun. i also think she probably did a bit too much bsitting her younger brothers, she is going to want her life.
she had said that she just wanted us to do an agreement sign papers in front of notary, keep out of court. she had agreeed to joint custody, i have since learned that really means nothing. we want even time so that no cs is paid, we are willing to help with baby needs. but h already pays cs to xw for another 3 years. i am not working and i am willing to watch baby while she works, she also makes more an hour then h. if she wants to put oc in daycare, we shouldnt have to pay it. she ranted about h needing to be responsible, fine we should have baby same amount of time as her. but of corse thats differant. thanks, I think were going to go ahead and do it through the courts and if she wants to make threats shell have a fight on her hands, i didnt want it to go this way. but were not going to do again what we had to do w hxw.
if there is anyone in washington state that can give us some leads we would appriciate it.
thanks

i'm so sorry, i have such a hard time understanding some of the things that these ow come up with. i know they are not the smartest people in the world or they wouldn't be in this situation to begin with, but hey, we all make mistakes right, i have tried so hard to give my OW the benefit of the doubt, but she keeps coming up with stupid things like "why are you ignoring me", to my H. Does she not get it? Hello!
So much of what you just said is alot of what I've been dealing with, just without the other siblings and there is no xw.
I just keep praying!
God Bless!

hi jmims,

thanks, i agree our story is alot the same. be ever so greatful there isnt an xw. in that aspect your lucky.i dont advise anyone to marry a man w an x. between these two things its a wonder i can have a compasiante heart for anyone or anything. but that is diffently better then holding on to resentment. I will also keep praying.
In my mind this morning as i prayed, i saw jesus carring me in his arms. he will get me through this. he will get us all though this if we just give him the chance and trust him.n I have to believe that, i do believe that.

ill keep you all posted, imtswife

Maybe the OW got a reality check when you went to the US with her. You are going to be a regular part of the OC's life. You are a caring, supportive person. Your H. isn't going to be involved as she hoped.

So, the OW couldn't get at him directly and you weren't the "enemy". What to do???? The next power-control play...involve the ex and kids.

I would definately involve the court in this whole mess. Has paternity been established prenatally? Let her deal with your attorney when the time comes so you don't have to. Let the court determine the split of custody and time with your child. Heck, if the OW makes more money than your H., she may end up paying YOU support if you have joint custody! Your providing childcare might not seem so bad if it helps her keep her money!

I agree, too, that your H. needs to step up to the plate and deal with some of consequences of HIS behavior. Give yourself a break. You more than deserve it.

"Give yourself a break. You more than deserve it."

Amen to that!!

I know you have a good heart wanting to do right by this child. But you need to work on your M. She is pg and her horror-mones, will go back and forth. I'm sorry but she is NOT a part of your family. She is the OC mother and your H is the father. There needs to be guidelines in dealing with the C issues. First you make plans to make IT LEGAL!!!! ANd there really is no reason for your H to call everyday and check on the baby. KWIM. You and your H are working on your M. He had a relationship with this woman and she got pg. This child is HIS and he/your family has a legal right to be a part of the OC's life W/O all the baby momma drama. You gave her the benifit of doubt, and she broke it. Proves she is NOT a person of her word. She may be going though a hard time now, but it may and may not change. So what YOU and your H need to do is protect you and your family from the drama. Quit caring about how she is living and her life. It was her choice to have this child and yes your H helped in creating this child. Your H has made a commitment to you and your M and thats it. She will have to get over and though her feelings and emotions as they come just as you will too. Don't care about the rants and rave, they are a waste of time. If you and H have made a commitment to have this child in your life, there is nothing she can do about it, after all he is the father. But I will tell you and ANYONE here you would be a fool if you dont presue this legally and keep your emotions to a min. You and your H are not against her, you have tried and extend a helping hand, only to get hurt. I would suggest that you back off w/ her. There will have to be C as far as the child is concerned. And it doesn't have to be going to the dr's visits or calling her everyday. She can notify you if need, but other than that its harrasment if you dont want the C. You can welcome the child into your family, if that is what you and your H want. But incorporating HER into your life, thats not going to work.
Sunny D

thanks to all of you that have replyed,

I agree, I to believe ive seen what she can be and agree that what i had hoped for may not be possible.
my h says most women are not like me, after 13 years i think he still finds it hard to believe im how i am. I want to see everyone as good. i need to look at reality and know that im living in a dream world, its time for me to live in the real world.

Im glad i erased her # out of my phone, or i probably would have been tm her to let her know how it all hurt me. AM I STUPID OR WHAT. I cant seem to keep my mind off it all.i agree my marriage is what needs to be worked on yet i cant seem to get the obsession of this girl and baby out of my mind, and all my conversations. I was kept from having a close relationship with hdd and now im afraid its going to happen again.

A part of me wants to say forget all this h isnt going to have his rights anyway, why bother. but thats not me, this boy will need his dad, his mom feels negative about men, they never stay she says.kinda funny isnt it,she goes out with men that she knows probably wont stay then claims thats how they all are.

Im so scared im so afraid of what is going to happen. Im afraid of losing my h again cause i feel like im going to have to share him with another woman forever.

thankyou all for really caring , maybe i needed this now before i got my feelings more invested. well I cant stop crying so i will go for now.

If anyone has a happy ending that they never believed would happen to them, i could sure use it, it would be a great encouragment.
thanks, imtswife

I think my story is a happy ending. We have a wonderful son that we share w/xow. He loves ALL of us. We work w/her on co-parenting this child. I love him as if he came from my body, as I do my children. My H and I love each other more and more everyday. The OW is better. She has worked though her anger, hurt ect. We have C and its ALL legal. There was no great court battle, 500.00 done over with. Has it been peaches and cream, LOL HECK NO!!! Has it been worth it, HECK YES !!! The hurt you feel is no more greater than what she is feeling. I'm sure the OW is hurt, she thought he was getting a D, he didn't you and him are together, she is alone. Turn the tables. As far as feeling and seeing her emotions, K. In C, there will be times that she will have to let stuff roll of her back and you will have to do the same. Your H, he is also feeling the hurt, anger or what HE had a part in. In NO WAY should these feelings be toward the child, though. But my H stood up and took account for what he has done. He's made his commitments and has stuck to them. The honesty thing has to be there. You should in NO WAY be handling all this. But right now, you have nothing to handle except for her out burst of emotions and anger, which are NORMAL and yours. YOU and H have to be a team for your right to have a relationship with this child, if that is what you wish. It can't be ya'll (yes I'm southern) against her. Thats not being about the child. Its OK to be hopeful that things do work out w/ time. I think your past the healing stage of the hurt, anger ect. She maybe just getting there. KWIM. And trust me it comes back from time to time, and you handle it. I have respect for Baby A's mom, as a mother and a person in general now. And she shows me respect as My H's, wife and Baby A's step mom. But its taken time to get there. Yes there have been times where we've exchanged words, which at the end, we both may be sorry for. Emotions in this is NORMAL. Don't give up your faith, or your hope in people. Don't give up your right either! There is no "how to" book on this. Its a day to day thing and thats how you have to take/make it.
Sunny

Sweety, you need a break from this. XOW is playing GAMES. Really, there's no need to have any contact until the baby's born and DNA established, and even then sanity comes before contact (kwim?). You tried to play nice with her, tried to replace her relationship to your H with a relationship w/you, maybe(?); and she proved she won't hold up her end of the bargain, meaning she will not respect your-and-H's boundaries, at least for now.

Fine, time to change tactics. Protect yourself. Protect your marriage. Make new boundaries. She's not your friend. Check out what you guys can expect LEGALLY (lawyer) and emotionally (counseling); do not assume you can get co-operation any more. You can't control what xow or xw do, and trying causes insanity! DETACHMENT is the new order of the day.

imtswife, mine is a sucess story, but every story is different. Because H is military, we just happened to be transferred long distance when oc was born. We kept mail contact w/xow+OC for 4 years. Because Xow became very difficult, we cut contact for 2 years, then were transferred back to OC's area. We slowly tried visitation, expecting xow to "blow it" again, but she surprised us by respecting our boundaries and driving half the exchange times. It's been over a year of visitation (OC is a nice kid), but that isn't the important part. The important part is we put our marriage first and recovered. OC is a factor in our lives, but never the first one!!

It's time to put your marriage and sanity FIRST. That doesn't necessarily mean no contact, but it's too early to say there will be a "happy ending". Some adults just won't allow one, you know? As KT says, some things cannot be "fixed". Some stories change over time (often due to the xow's behavior.)

Trusting God means we do NOT have all the answers today, and we probably won't have them tomorrow, but He will provide you with the Grace you need when you need it if you keep your heart open to His Will.

I hope that helps a little. Please be very, very nice to yourself right now--drink fluids, eat well, exercise, journal, talk to God and a trusted friend, be mad or grieve, let your H bear some heat. One day at a time.

Hugs and a prayer,
J--been there, done that.

Another thought--Act your best. Even when xow is ranting and insane, speak with dignity and respect, as much as possible, and you'll never regret it. That doesn't mean we have to subject ourselves to being xow doormat, though!!!

Just wanted to throw that in...

P/S, you don't have to share your H w/ her???? You will sharing your life w/the other child. There is a difference and there needs to be a POJA between you and your H on ways of handling things. He is NEVER to exclude you. Yes, you as the "step Mom" have no legal rights to this child. But as a care taker/giver of this child, you do have the right to be involved!!! Your H will have to make it CLEAR to the OW that he is with you and thats where he wants to be. He had to be honest with BOTH of you. And as weill prove it.
Sunny D

thankyou sunnydale and jenny,

I agree, its time I focus on my mariage, or none of this is going to matter anyway. what is going to happen is going to happen. its time to leave that part of my life out right now and focus on m.

what do you all suggest, cause im not sure if we are doing that or are we just back together, with a new hard issue to deal with. I liked how i read in somones thread that their h is the one that has to deal w ow and make the dicisions, she just supports him. I think that is what i need to do. All this should be what and how he wants, not how and what i want. My part is to work on m and be a better wife. what do you think.
thanks again, imtswife

wow, it is great to actually see sucess stories out there. what you have sunny is all that i hope for. i have tried so hard to reasure ow that i'm not out to get her, that i don't hate her, but i don't think she has accepted the fact that my h chose to stay with his family and we let him. she feels she deserves so much more than shes getting from him. i hope that in time we can all respect each other for who we are and work together, for the childrens sake. if we could only turn back time.

hang in there imts, i'm praying for you. i've come to the realization that it great to be the better person, but it is stupid to be a door mat. i finally stood up and made my h stand up to her. she is not happy, but i feel better, more confident in him.

good morning all,

just wanted to let you know that obsession started building in me again. instead of focusing on it i prayed for gods peace and strengh. then i came here and reread all that had been said. thanks, it really helped to reread all. you all are my strengh.

I was reminded of 8 years ago, i was expecting my first grandchild. the mom was 14 when she got preg, my son was 17. at one point all i could do was cry because i was afraid this girl would not allow me to be grandma if my son was not with her. at one time the baby wasnt allowed over but god got me throgh that and she later moved in w my son. they had one more c together. they are not anymore, and i hate to admit but my son isnt the best father. but this girl is my daughter, and would never take kids away from us no matter what my son does. she also would never take them from my son. i have to say she is a sweetheart and is mature for her age of 21. her kids needs are more important then anything. moral of story, no matter how bad things might appear right now doesnt mean that is how thell be. i need to remember that.

well im going to the beach with a group of women from church this weekend, this should give me some peace. ill let you all know how it went on monday, have a great weekend. imtswife

I can completely relate to the obsessing issue. I just heard some numbers that my H or should I say we will be paying for this OC, nothing official, just one of those on-line calculators. I'm really upset right now. I'm a little low.

hello crazyhurt,

dont give up, have you talked to a lawyer yet, even to just ask a couple ?s. I still think since she is married that the husband is legally responsible. I even called child support enforcement pretending to be ow and asked ?s. you just might find that this oc is her h, and there just trying to get you to pay. talk to a lawyer and just ask what is legal in your situation,im going to try the cs calculations too, it will probably depress me.
when it was me having baby I never went for cs, all i wanted was dad to be involved. Of coarse ive always been miss independant, i can do things myself. Some women dont care if the man has money to live or not. that seems more like spite and revenge then caring about the child.
I will pray that this child ends up not being your h. i keep hoping that this one wont be my h but in my heart i believe it is.
I will be thinking about you. just dont give up hope.

Well I can tell you the pg was more trying than what it has been since the birth. Its never easy to go though all of this and there are ALOT of things that you and your H have to agree on and make plans for. I wouldn't recommend C w/ ow on a daily basis for anyone. This so not necessary. If your H KNOWS that this is his child w/o a doubt, then just make plans for it if. Contact your attorney and check out ALL the laws in your state. The more informed YOU are the better. Learn, you can't control what others do, just WHAT YOU DO. If you want to go N/C then fine, make that legal as well, cuts our ALOT of the bullcrap that COULD go on. But if you are seeking C and vistation. My suggestion would be, stay in some kind of C, either email, letter or phone as long as BOTH / or should say all three sides or four agree. Keep your nose clean, concern yourself on you and yours.
Parents as long as they are fit, are/and will be allowed to see their children. Just because your H is M doesn't mean your not going to be able to see this child. Just because your M doesn't mean you have to live your life in ****** w/ the OP. MAKE THIS LEGAL either way you go. People learn how to live, love and laugh again. It does/will make your life easier!!! You can't sit and wonder and paunder when/what/why the OP is doing or going to do. HAVE YOUR PLAN!!! And be reasonable, the judge will eat whomever alive if they are not. Work on the M and find the reasons why the A happened in the first place, make your life better. Just because there is yet another life being brought into stupid adult situation, is no reason to sit and cry/hate/and hurt your life away. And allow for MC, or IC. Allow EVERYONE in this situation to heal on their own time, just because you are doesn't mean the OP has.
Sunny d

Crazy, sin is punishable!! Your H will have to take his punishment how ever God see's fit. I know personally. Yes the money takes from my home. So did the A. What is the difference. God knows where my H heart was/is. And this may be God's way of punishment for him. Besides not getting to spend every night/day with his son. KWIM. You will adjust, and you will make it. There is no sense in pondering the inevertable. He is this childs father and if there is C or N/C they are going to have to pay for the C/S. MAYBE they will THINK before they go and do something so selfish again. ????
Sunny D