Hi, this is my first post here although I've lurked for a few days. I've been married 11 years, 3 kids under 5. My husband told me two months ago about an affair he is having with his first love, his old high-school girlfriend who broke up with him when they went to college. She emailed him in February to say hi, they started chatting online, one thing led to another, and now he's desperately, passionately in love with her. She lives in another state although they have met for trysts, one this past weekend. He is on the phone and texting for literally hours a day with her.

In the eight weeks since D-Day, I have done absolutely everything wrong -- begged, pleaded, called all the time, used reason, guilt, yelled, threw statistics at him, etc. Needless to say, he moved out two weeks ago and told me last week he wants a divorce so he can begin building a life with her. "I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't think we could have a life together, I've thought about this a great deal, I know what I'm doing," he says.

I have pointed out the statistics to him about affairs and their success; however, he says that other research shows that with "old flames" or "first loves reunited" the success rate is far higher because they have a history together, because their first romance "imprinted" on them what true love was like. And, in fact, a certain researcher has written a book saying just that.

So, is this doomed? Is this all happening too fast? He has moved out, and I have since yesterday begun doing a sort of Plan A/B, I think. I have not talked about the relationship, I did not call today, and I was pleasant and brief last night. We have both spoken to lawyers, although nothing firm has been done. If we divorce, I will take the children across the country, and he says he is fine with that.

Does anyone have any advice? Are we doomed b/c it's an old flame? Or is he just in typical addict/fog mode? I'm still reeling from all this, but any help would be so appreciated.

I had an affair with my first love. No, you are not doomed, it is the same old crap. Logically, I should have been able to see that it didn't work out 15 years ago, why would it work out now when you pile on all the guilt about busting up a family.

Check your plan A and plan B theory, I think you need to be doing one or the other, no plan A/B.

Sorry you need to be here, but it is a good place to be.
Good Luck

hoopsie, welcome to MB. I am so sorry for you having to be here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Is the OW (other woman)married? Have you exposed the A (affair?) Read up on Plan A.

My H had an A with his first g/f 4 years and ago and with his last g/f before me just recently. They move fast! But they have no more success rate than any other sordid A IMHO.

I have read about Plan A, but I don't know if you can do it after they've moved out? I can do the self-improvement to a point (and I am), but I can't demonstrate that I can meet his emotional or sexual needs if he's not here. That's where I get stuck.

This is all just so bizarre to me. He says he will give up his great career, his friends, his marriage, his *children*, for the chance at someday moving to her hick hometown so they can be together. Is this love? Or insanity?

insanity! Yes, you can do a plan A with him out of the house. Continue to identify and change those problems you contributed to the M. No D talk at all at this point. Is he providing financial support?

Whatever good they might once have had in their relationship is now polluted beyond repair. Once that happens it is just like any other A.

You can still Plan A with him gone. You will get differing opinions on if/how you should or should not meet his sexual needs, and that will be up to you. But a good Plan A is doable with time and effort.

Here is a link to WAT's Quick Start Guide for the Betrayed Spouse. You are in a great place to get help.

Affair = Insanity

He's just paying an extra $300/week for the Motel 6. I found that when I pressured and whined and snooped and freaked out, he starts talking about "let's go over what a settlement might look like" or "I checked in with the lawyer again." I'm hoping that if I back off, the D talk will move to the back burner a bit. Deep down, I can't believe he wants to be a 2x/year dad, but he's willing to sacrifice it all for "the truest love I've ever known."

Hoopsie,
Don't let that true love crap bother you. I said the same stuff about my A, we had been together for 5 years, 15 years ago. My WH says the same stuff about a woman he text messaged for two months.

It is all crap. You can plan A with him out of the house.

Was he a good dad before this? This stinks for the kids ((Hugs)). Is the other woman married? Does her husband know?

>Is this love? Or insanity?

I love this! Are you kidding?

Hoopsie, in case you ARE in the fog, this is not Hollywood! Only kidding...

What person in their "right" mind would throw everything in their lives away for a A? Really, think about it.

It is not love, but infatuation. And yes, he would probably be classified as "crazy" if we in the real world would not pander to these A's by simply stating that it is all because of "LOVE".

You know, when I dated my W, I was in love and did some pretty dumb things, but at no time did I completely abandon all reason and logic for the sake of my W!

You see, true love does not confuse. Yes, when you are in love, real love, you are on say a cloud nine, but that does not mean you are willing to throw your life away either.

Romeo and Juliet WAS a play, not real life. Right now, your H is living or heading off to see the Wizard! Hopefully at some point, he will click his heels together and say there is no place like home!

So, join the crowd. Hang around and you will see that your situation is pretty commonplace and in fact quite scary once you see how similar all these A's really are.

p47d

Her husband found out about it in June and told her "pick one, him or me." She picked my husband. ("I choose us, US!" she wrote on a message that I snooped.) They are in the process of divorce, although I don't know how close to the end.

My H says he is eager to help her through this difficult time, that she'll really need him. If she's getting a divorce first, I assume that only incentivizes her to hang on to my H with everything she's got.

How did you find out her H knows? From your WH? Don't take his word for it, contact OWH yourself. WS's lie!

The OW told my H when they told their parents, when her H put her stuff on the curb, etc. This isn't affecting her life that much -- she will have joint custody and she lives rent-free in her parents' vacation home.

A D will affect my H a *huge* amount -- I'm a SAHM with small kids in a generous state and he'll pay me thousands in child support, sell the home, I'll move cross-country. That's still the hope I'm clinging to -- that he may talk D talk, but will be reluctant to pull the trigger because it's so huge.

Are your IL's being supportive of you or your WH?

A month or so ago. They're good, solid family people, religious, frown on divorce and adultery. Since then, though, blood is a little thicker than water, and they've made it clear they prefer to stay out of it. His mother was a little chilly last time I called, so I took the hint and haven't called back. They disapprove of H's actions, but they do want him to be happy.

Same bunch of crock I got from my MIL. I guess they don't care about the "happiness" of their grandchildren. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Not surprising though, it seems to happen a lot. Have your read Surviving An Affair yet? Arm yourself with knowledge about affairs.

hoopsie,

Your post really hit home with me. I hope this will give you some hope.

Approximately one year ago I "ran into" an old "flame" online (thank GOD it was online) and we started to correspond. The correspondence was VERY intense, recalling our time together (details, let your mind wander), how great it was, etc., etc.

During that time, I obsessed night and day in my "altered mindstate," as did he. I finally cut it off, nothing, nadda. He is married, I am married. He tried to tell me that he was "separated" and I said, "no deal" and "no appeal" because I'm married too! There's "right" and there's "wrong" IMO. I told him, "no," I will not even meet you "for lunch" (yeah, sure ... just lunch) because it is not appropriate.

Point being, I'm hurting because the OW will not back off. So what if her marriage is ending; that does not justify her "stepping into" yours by "making herself available" to YOUR husband! I think your husband will get this "her" out of his system very soon. Once I stated what I did, that guy was GONE! She could be anyone! What it's really about is you and your H, IMO.

I am new here too. I just found out 2 weeksg ago that DH has been emailing and calling the girl that dumped him and broke his heart 23 years ago. It has been going on for 4 months. I sent her a hateful email when I found out. he first denied it was anything but old friends catching up, but he did not know that I got a hold of all the emails. And after every sneaky phone call she sent him an email summarizing the whole call. They talked a lot about all the sex they had back then, how much they missed each other, wished they had stayed together...everything. I am sickened by it. After finding out how much I knew he made up some stupid story that he was leading her on so he could dump her and get revenge! Tells me he never really grew up and who would believe that story anyway. Now, he has backed off that story, admits that it was "inappropriate" and realizes it "looks bad on paper" but that she meant nothing and wants me to get over it. HA! Get over it? Just like that! Believe me, if the tables were turned he'd have thrown everything I own out in the yard.

I have been a good wife to him in 7 years, gave him two sons and economically improved his lifestyle in a way he never would have had on his own. Just to be treated like garbage and I just have "to get over it?"

If this were a stranger on the internet it would be painful enough, but this is someone he shared a history with and admits that he never stopped thinking of her. I CAN'T "get over it!" I don't eat, sleep or STOP thinking about it. He says it is not an affair because there was no sex. It is clearly an emotional affair. I am a mess. I am barely getting through the day here.

I still have to decide if I am going to tell her husband and/or send him the cut and paste job of all these emails to him. I don't want more drama in my life, but I want him to know so he can do what he needs to do to put a stop to it. She was definately the aggressor but DH was a most active partipant. There was no sex, but only because they live in different states. I just can't stand my life right now. How in the ****** does this stuff happen? Why does he think that I should accept that she means nothing? Isn't that what they all say anyway? I feel betrayed, angry, deeply hurt, you name it.

Gosh ... I hope you don't see me as the enemy. Had I not done the right thing (meaning ... having a darn conscience about his wife and my husband), I would be the OW you speak of.

I can only tell you what I did. I told my husband. And I hadn't even done anything wrong! It was ALL in my mind! And the case you are dealing with, I'm sure, is the same. He's just having a brain fart!

When I was "corresponding" I asked my "historic lover" if he had given a flicker of thought to his spouse. Nope ... but after I brought it to his attention he did! A shame that OW won't do the same! Us gals are supposed to stick together, just for the simple reason that it's human decency! (Sorry, venting now.) I feel for you!! I felt for her!!

You (IMO) are RIGHT ON! It is an emotional affair which can be even MORE dangerous. However, I'm in no position to give you advice (I'm new here and haven't been on your side of the fence, so to speak), but I'll tell you this: I know what I would do! EXACTLY! (High-Fiver!)

Hoopsie!!

I only have a few minutes right now, but I had to respond. My H had an affair with his HS girlfriend for almost a year. They re-met at a HS reunion (I couldn't attend....driving boys to scout camp!). She came on very strong even though she knew he was married. She told him she was single (not!) and pushed forward and he fell.

I think it happened faster because they had been serious in high school. I mean, they had not talked to each other in 24 years and they began the affair after seeing each other one evening!!!

She got pregnant! He had started to break it off and she started telling him she was late, every month. Even though she swore she was on birth control.

In laws jumped in to the scene. Told my H he should leave me and our family and marry her and be a father to this baby. They began a relationship with OW on the phone for months, even though my H wasn't really speaking to them during that time. They were all planning a happy new family. Too bad his wife and 3 children had NO idea. When H stated he didn't want to divorce me, IL's said they would disown him and give his inheritance (tiny) to OW and OC, if he didn't leave me. I had no idea they hated me so much. we are very different, but had always gotten along.....for 20 years.

Add in that I had breast cancer and was going through radiation during the time that I found out about this whole awful mess!

I just wanted you to know that it can still be recovered, even after this whole disaster. AND it IS the same old crap that all the affairs are. Even though your H and OW will try to sell you the studies of that crazy women researching "old Loves" and their success stories. She rarely mentions what happens to the spouses and families......just how wonderful it is for the lovers! My H actually gave me copies of her article to explain how he felt for OW!

Got to go to volleyball game with DD, but hang in there! My H and I are doing great. But it has been a long, bumpy, awful rollercoaster! And 1-1/2 years! Don't expect it to get great too soon!

I am glad you found this website so early. I didn't until 6 months into it.

I will check on you later!

Here's your "quote" (copy/pasted) and I think you have answered your own question. My e-mail address is available if you want to talk. DO TELL! (I'll probably get "nailed to the cross" for saying that, I don't know.) Nip it now!
Like you say (below), it's a far-away thing; what if he gets so entangled in this "fluke" that he gets in the car? As far as repercussions, who cares?! Sticks and stones! It's not like she will drive over to beat you up. LOL




"I still have to decide if I am going to tell her husband and/or send him the cut and paste job of all these emails to him. I don't want more drama in my life, but I want him to know so he can do what he needs to do to put a stop to it. She was definately the aggressor but DH was a most active partipant. There was no sex, but only because they live in different states. I just can't stand my life right now. How in the ****** does this stuff happen? Why does he think that I should accept that she means nothing? Isn't that what they all say anyway? I feel betrayed, angry, deeply hurt, you name it."