Today I wrote a list of questions I feel I need to have answered by WH regarding the A and other topics.
I told him that I do not want him to feel like I am throwing the A in his face everytime I want to ask him a question. But that there are things I feel I need to know in order to help me with my end of the recovery. I want to be able to get the questions out of my head and dealt with so I can move on. He says he understands and has said before he'd do his "best" to answer me but that he may not tell me all I want to know.

I had read some where here that one person wrote out their questions and gave the list to their WS to review before discussing it.

What are any ones opinions on this? I was wondering if I should give him a written list and have him reply in writting so he might have a chance to be more thoughtful in his answeres? But then I lose the benefit of seeing his expressions and body language. Some of the questions I have are so specific that I want a very descriptive answere, ie; "what are the things you talked about with OW that led you to become more intimate in the EA part of the A"

Any sugesstions????

Thanx!

This is a huge problem if he is not willing to tell you the complete truth. He must answer every question openly and honestly in order for you to ever trust him again. He cannot have secrets with the OW to which you are not privy. I would make this very clear to him. This is all information about your marriage to which you have a RIGHT to know. He has no right to withhold anything from you.

I like your idea of giving the WS a list beforehand. That is great as long as you are not confined to that list.

Hi ML,

I know, it seems like sometimes it is so hard to believe what he is telling me. There are situations where what he has said makes no sense or doesn't add up yet he is adamant that he is telling me the truth. So I feel stuck to believe him....even when I don't.
Thats why I wonder about how to approach my questions.
I have carefully worded everything so as not to sound blaming or like an attack.
I know that what ever his answeres are, I will be discussing them with him. I guess that way, I will be able to see if he is consistent in what he says and also see his body language then.
How should I approach a non response to a question?
What if he says he would rather not say anything? Do I have to respect that? Especially if it is an important question to me? Do I try to emphsize the importance of it to me and how it affects me? Would it be helpful or Love Busting?

Thanks ,

I would not respect any attempt to withhold facts from you about your life. Any attempt to withhold facts only prevents you from trusting him. It means he has a secret with the OW, about your own marriage, to which you are not privy. Any withholding should be viewed as a lack of willingness of help you heal with his continued deceit. Make sure he understands this and don't pretend to respect such a disrespectful stance. You will respect him, but you shouldn't respect deceit.

Thankyou for your suggestions. I did say these things to my husband when we talked and I also read to him the letter by Trueheart for WS's.
That I think helped him to open up and answer me.
It hurt like crazy to hear the first few things he told me about, things like how the PA came to start.
We ran out of time for more questions, as we had to go out some where. But before getting ready to go HE took the initiative to makesure Iwas feeling ok and he made me happy by playing a song (I'm a Believer, by the Monkees) and singing the words to me.
Corny I know but very sweet to me anyway.

I still have much I want to know and things that worry me now about the chance of any relaps with H.

How do I continue to open conversation about my questions?
We have very little time together as he works 2nd shift so we see each other 1 hour a day M-F and then we have all day Sat & Sun but also have little kids and things to do on the weekend. Sadley that makes it near impossible to get our 15 hours together. unless we count sleep.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Thanks

Be well,