Alrighty, I don't care if having the OW here possibly reading my posts makes me physically ill, she's half the cause of my problems anyway. I still want my marriage to work but now I'm dealing with my OWN demons and I need help. I have reached ultimatum-land. Found out two weeks ago that WH made contact with OW; they emailed back and forth for about ten days and he even called her from work at least once. I'm through playing. Skipping way past PlanA; being the wife of his dreams didn't do a bit of good.
I can't exactly move out, we're in a foreign country thousands of miles from "home". All I can really do is what my heart pretty much did for me--I don't respond to him. At all. Cook his meals, do everything around the house, and handle everything with the kids. He's here, but I don't want him involved in our lives at all. If he can't end it and let it STAY ended, what's the use of trying?

Sorry, I don't mean to be a bummer to all of y'all who got so much hope a few weeks back from our "recovery". I suppose it was all a sham. He SAYS he wants to make this marriage work, but I'm having a hard time believing anything he says. Ideas anyone?

Did he explain how having contact with the OW is helping to make your marriage work?

I think it is time to start detaching from him. That is the best way to protect your heart. Very calmly let him know that you will no longer be working on the marriage.

That's what I did, believer. Detached is my middle name now.

Best "explanation" he can give is that he has none. I told him he can work on our marriage all he wants but I'm done until I can see he's back in this for good and he's ready to win ME back.

BTW, CKW YOU are not the idiot here!

I sure feel like it. Had faith in people to change. Forgave. Gave until I had nothing left. And now I don't...have anything left, that is. Not even my dignity. And all so he could "check up on her".

CKW, check out the Willard Harley is a smart man thread by Pep

You are not alone. I'm an idiot too...an enormous, profound idiot.

If you are really going to do Plan B, don't expect to stop being an idiot overnight. Like believer said, detach and protect your heart. If you must live in the same house and it seems like being an expat makes it difficult to leave, stop doing the wifey things. Stop making him meals. Stop doing the laundry. Stop setting up time for him to see the kids. Stop enabling the A. Don't stay home and be the babysitter while he's out philandering. Set up plans for you and your kids and do them. Go out and do things for yourself. Don't kiss him good night. No SF. No questions.

If you are in Plan B, I believe you need to think about the next step. You need to think about protecting yourself and your kids. You need to think about how you will get back to your home country. Think about what direction you will take.

Good luck. Mimi keeps telling me that people can change...

Well you still have yourself to take care of, and your family.

Please realize that his words mean NOTHING. His actions are what you need to watch. In your position, I would consider him no longer a part of your life. Detach, and take care of you and your children. Make your decisions on what is best for you and your family, not him.

There is no need to be angry, just disappointed. It would be a HUGE mistake to go on with no real changes from him. That will just teach him that in the end, he can do whatever he wants.

ff, I tried to follow the Buyer/Renter/Freeloader thread, but I think I'm too tired, my mind got dizzy! Maybe in the morning on a few hours' sleep...

Is a *modified* PlanB even an option if WH wants the marriage to work? I don't doubt that contact has ended, he did something she really didn't like, she did something illegal that infuriated him, and they pretty much detest the thought of each other right now. However, I let my guard down after D-day and got burned BIG TIME. And what on earth do I look for in him to see that there's REAL progress when I was seeing what I thought was real progress up till just a few weeks ago?

Wow...I'm almost too exhausted to think. Time for bed. ALONE.

Ok, apparently I've gone from Buyer to Renter overnight. I think we're on equal gound lately, WH is moving into Rental territory from being a Freeloader for nearly 3 years. He used to be a Buyer, I guess the responsibility just got too much to handle. But sice I've invested too much in this M to sell the farm without giving him the chance to fix himself, I suppose I need to make a plan.

I'm NOT going to go on without major changes from him. OBVIOUS changes, not just "can't you see I'm different" changes. I guess I'm not in full PlanB mode, because even though we've had a major setback, I do believe the A is over and I believe him that he's terrified he's going to lose me. He isn't liking the fact that I don't *need* him right now. I guess that's a major step forward for both of us. I just hope I don't disconnect too much emotionally FOR REAL to reconnect if and when some real progress actually takes place.

The problem with not detaching is that you may lose your love for him. That is the whole point of Plan B. And when the love goes, it goes very suddenly. I woke up one morning and just knew I was done. There was no respect for my WH left. After that the love was not there anymore.

So try to come up with a plan. Maybe some of the wiser posters here will chime in.

believer, that's what I'm afraid of. I've already had two or three days where I just didn't care if he came home at all, so I know I could get to that "done" point very easily. I DO need a plan. I wish I knew what I was looking for, it might be easier to make that plan.

Alright, here's a work-in-progress short list:

1.IC a MUST for him, also MC for us. No questions asked, and HE is going to be the one to make the call to the counselor.
2.Thirty minutes of time with me--EVERY NIGHT--devoted to improving the spiritual tone of our marriage.
3.READ His Needs/Her Needs and complete the EN questionairrre.

Help me out here, folks, what should I add?