Mel,

Thank you, I hope I'm not coming across as needy or clingy, but I will back off, and let her pursue. i will also stop saying I'm sorry and start saying I'm sorry you feel that way. Any suggestions?

Don't say much of anything. Ask questions and listen, listen, listen. Tend to agree. Instead of "I'm sorry" say "I'm listening" or "I understand". If it's fog babble, say "yes, dear" then reverse babble right back.

Have patience and try to go out with wife on dates. Just make plans, arrange the babysitter yourself and get out with wife like you did when you first met. I'm not talking big romantic evenings. Dinner and movies. Ice Creme at the park. A night out partyin'. If she will not go then go yourself. If she wants to sit and not speak then do not speak...pull out a book. Dr. Harley just recommends spending 15 -25 hours alone together to restore "love"...there is no obligation that that time needs to be spent dwelling on relationship issues.

You want her love back. Think of it as roasting a pig. Tend to fire and baste the pig regularly and after quite some time you've got some tastey ham. (lol...I have know idea how to roast a pig...I must try to come up with analogies I myself understand...I left it in cause it is so bad...a pig, really??)

BTW...your sitch is very similiar to mine. My wife and I both post under this name. She started posting under WWWondering back in June or July. If you search back you may get some insight in how your WW is thinking. If you search our/her August and Sept posts you will see where you can get too in the next few months of your recovery. Have patience...it is worth it.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

Mr. W Thank you for the good advice. I will check out your wife's posts.

Mr. W I am having trouble finding your wife's posts. Can you help me with this?

Thank you

If she is willing and truly wants to, yes. I wouldn't push it though. She may be very uncomfortable, feeling like this is "your territory" and she may feel she is being viewed as "the enemy." Obviously, that is not the case; however, she will need to feel that it would be helpful and not a trigger to simply induce pain in vain. She needs to feel like it will truly help her to explore this.

Mrs. Wondering's First Post

Mrs. Wondering update in August

There are a ton in between and after but there is hope for your situation.

Mr. W

Having a bad day, gut tells me NC may be broken sometime today or this weekend. I called and talked to the chaplain, we prayed, still no relief. Called WW and explained my feeling, she is having a rough day as well crying that she wants to see OM, doesn't want to talk to me.
I asked her to contact the chaplain and talk to him, she said she's a big girl and would get through it.
What is happening? Any insight?
She has never been like this, told me to stop calling and then said I'm sorry you're feeling bad and I told you to call when you felt bad talk to me so I did, she started crying again said thanks for calling, I hung up and now am even worse. Could this be the crash? She refuses to take ADs won't even ask for them.
Any Ideas? Help

Eagle-

My FWW faked working on the marriage for about 5 weeks into MC, then she fessed up completely to everything she had done.

Not being clingy is a good thing. Now is not the time for you to apologize, that can come later if it's necessary. Right now you are in the right so keep acting like it.

Exposure is a great tool, nice touch with "grandma."

Don't think for a moment someone in the throes of a great love won't risk their career or anything else. She's already risked her whole family, right? And 17 years of marriage.

Stay vigilant.

mflake,

Thank you for the support, I'm trying like ******, but was worried. I just talked to her, she seems to have gotten a grip on herself for the moment, still upset though, won't call her chaplain. Don't know what's up, but hangin in there.

Eagle-

Just wanted to point out that I really think you've done a great job so far.

You've received a few suggestions to cut back on the flowers and cards and such...I made that same mistake in my recovery as well friend, and the suggestions are on the money...it would be a good thing to back off on that a bit. Make sure that you listen calmly to what she's got to say, respond accordingly, and be open and honest about things. Cut back on saying I love you, let her start worrying about what YOU're feeling for a change...trust me, if you step back some, she WILL start asking.

I do hope that there hasn't been any kind of resumed contact today...I would seriously suggest that you DO ask her what happened today that caused her to behave the way she did...and definitely pay attention to what she says and how...look for lies, and don't be afraid to openly question to make sure she is telling the truth.

Hang in there friend...hope things work out for you.

Owl,

Thank you I will find out what the cause was for today. I'll post more later after I talk to her this evening.

Thank you again

I asked her to read a couple of emails I sent yesterday, came from here, one about love and the other about forgiving. I said I thought these might help ease her mind and help her forgive herself, she is still down on herself about all this.



Dear Eagle,
Forgiveness is a wonderful thing, but you must be cautious in giving forgiveness too soon. She needs to know the impact of her affair. Do not discount your pain due to her affair. She will not appreciate what she doesn't have to work for.

Sending you hugs ((Eagle))
This is a hard road to travel.

Thank you KD. She is really having a hard day and being very mean spirited. I'm about to stop contact unless it deals with the kids. She called a few minutes ago after reading one of my emails and again in my face with the I don't want you stuff, I said I understand that, she said no you don't, I said OK and she said why are you doing this I said because I chose to love you and because of our family. Wrong answer, I then asked her if she thought someone who would start an affair with a known married woman was the type of man she wanted and she said yes I said OK. I guess it is time to get off the phone, By. All very weird and confusing. Trying not to LB, but it's very hard. I think it would be better to not talk at all. She says I only hear her to a point then shut her down I said I hear everything you say but may be in denial about your feelings about OM. She says Oh really why? I guess it's fog babble I don't know. Just hangin in there.

Just back off completely, Eagle. Let her calm down and let her do the calling.

Instead of carrying on all of this conversation that is skirting around the issue...flat out ASK her what has prompted her bad behavior today? Has she broken NC?

Ask her what the heck is going on with her today...and tell her that you think that she's broken NC. Watch her reaction, and gauge your responses based on that.

If she HASN'T broken NC and you're reasonably convinced of that...be a duck and let her foolish comments wash over you. If she has...then take whatever action you feel is appropriate. Do NOT shield her from the consequences of her actions.

Just my thoughts...

If she has broken NC I would be very tempted to inform her Commander, that's bad, she will lose her retirement, stripes and probably get the boot from AF with 19yrs and 9.5 mos. I don't know if I could live with that. She refuses to do an NC letter, and is hidding behind the AF ordered NC order. The fantasy is he is patiently waiting, D-Day was the day before her birthday, my son called the OM on her Bday after seeing their emails on the counter, I called the OM after my son told me he did, the OM was in bed with his GF when my son woke them up, she was having a fit while I was talking to OM. Told WW about it and she called me a liar and blamed sons call on me, I was in garage smoking, not even in the house. This is driving me crazy. Sorry for the rant, but this seems to be the only place I can vent. I'll back off completely and let her stew, I really thought she was crashing earlier, but she seems to have fought it off or is hidding it well. Looks like back off is the best policy.

Thank you for letting me vent and rant, also for the good advice. I can use all I can get.

She called last evening to talk to kids and me, Said she was just having a bad day and did not break NC. Had to work last night and is still reading SAA. Finds it interesting, but one of the stories I think Sue and Jon, says Sue is stupid. Doesn't see parallels. Fog?
Will post more as time progresses. Letting her do the calling, no sorroes or appologies, just facts and reverse babble.

Shecalled this morning after work and we had a pretty go conversation about her work and patients, a guy on meth treatment out of his head. She also talke about SAA said sue was an idiot she didn't know what she wanted, but WW knows what she wants and that is a life with OM. I asked if that would be a good example for our children, a man that broke up our marriage and had an affair with a married woman. She siad no, but kids are resilient. I asked if she thought a relationship built on lies was a good one she said she never lied to OM and he never lied to her, she just lied to me and the kids, I said Oh OK, I don't understand it but OK. She talked to the kids and then hung up. Very strange, I believe even though she says she wants to try and work on marriage for the kids she is holding on to a fantasy of the OM patiently waiting for her and is not putting a full effort into it. She also thinks this forum is B***S*** and will lead to too much time on computer. I hope this is just fog talk. More as things progress.

She also said going through the motions was BS and didn't think it would help. Thinks that we will be at each others throats when she is here and that children would be better off here and her in OKC. But she Loves them and would sacrifice everything for them. Very confusing.

Eagle, are you in touch with the OM's gf? Has she been involved in all this?