Tell her "thank you so much for "caving," it gives me great pleasure!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> You will also continue to "cave" and meet her needs by taking care of the kids, earning money, etc.

We talked last night and this morning. Last night during our talk I said I was feeling my love bank dwindling, she said she could feel deposits and withdrawls, I was so shocked I didn't know what to say. I asked her about it this morning and she said she is trying to keep my balance up and not let me make withdrawals, she is waiting till I get half way up, but I am making deposits and the deposits are more than the withdrawals, like jacking up DD.

I had asked her to try initiating, maybe that would help her attitude and also to try on an negligee and maybe that would help get her in the mood, she did, but said it didn't make a difference, I said I guess it was a dumb idea and to forget I had asked and that we should go to sleep. She initiated SF, I didn't want to, but she was trying to prove a point, it wasn't very good, at one point she asked if I was enjoying it, was I even there, I said yes, but not very convincingly.After we were done we held each other and cuddled, I said it will be a while before we do this again, and she said yes because I have to go back to OKC tomorrow, I said no because I don't feel good about it, she had no comment. Later she asked why I wasn't happy, I had gotten everything I wanted, I said yes I did, but not the way I thought it should be, this upset her as she was trying very hard to get into it, but didn't comment whether or not she enjoyed it. She said she was confused and we would discuss this later. Later never came.

She initiated showering together in the AM, brought me coffee, and all seemed to be good. She finished the Christmas cards, finished cleaning out the kids rooms and got rid of their old clothes. We had lunch and the got her stuff packed and ready to go to the airport. She seemed a little sad, but was tryign to keep busy up until we actually had to leave the house.

We took her to the airport this evening, when I kissed her she kissed back and I bent her over backwards and gave her a big kiss, she was overwhelmed and laughed a little because she said I took her by surprise and had never done that before, she liked it so I did it again and she kissed back harder. As she was leaving to go through security I told her I love you, she said I love you too. First time since D-Day. She also commented on how the last couple of weeks had been great. Maybe the fog is lifting.

She also said that I needed to go with her actions as her words tend to confuse me. Her actions are doing everything I have asked and she has commented on the fact that things get better as she does them more, verl little by little, but better, and she was getting into a routine, and was starting to feel a little more comfortable.

We'll see how things go between now and Christmas. The kids and I are going to OKC for Christmas and New Years. I will post more as things progress. Oh she also said she saw progress between us and it was a good thing.

Comments please.

Mel, thank you again for keeping me on the right path.

Chuck

OMG, I love that kiss!!! What a wonderful surprise that must have been for her. How romantic. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I think you are doing just great, Eagle. And I think it is very very promising that she WANTS to fill your love bank. She is apparently coming out of the fog, isn't she?

A word of warning. The usual process is 3 steps forward and 2 steps backward, so please be prepared. She will go up and down for awhile before she levels out. So, don't let it get you down if she is cool tomorrow. Just hold on and be patient and she will warm up again. It is all part of the process.

You did a fabulous job on your Plan A! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

p.s. when is she leaving the service? Did you tell me in January?

She will be retiring on 1 Feb 2006. She is still planning to move here, she is looking forward to the kids and I going to OKC for Christmas. Walking in Sam's Club she was making short term plans and some of the things she was looking at, food items, she decided to wait until Feb when she gets here as the kids don't like to eat things that are hot like pepper jack cheese, etc... She was unconsciously reaching out for my hand while we were shopping. I was very surprised when she said she could feel deposits in her love bank and also withdrawals. A good sign I think.

I put a card in her backpack, she just called from Dallas and I told her to look in her backpack, she was just getting on the plane so I may have to wait until she gets to OKC for her response.

Mel, Thank you again for all of your help. Your responses are always on the money!

You know, Eagle, the timing of all this could not have been MORE PERFECT. She was with you in a wonderful environment when her affair crumbled before her eyes. I bet the earth shifted when she was really convinced that loverboy had a GF. And there you were to catch her fall like a KNIGHT.

It will be interesting to see how she reacts when she gets back into that environment. I am sure hoping she turns to you.

You and me both. Thank you Mel

Chuck

We talked last night after her GF left, GF picked her up at airport and brought her home. She was OK last night just tired. She liked her card and thanked me for it, didn't say it was over the top. This morning seemed a little distant but still pleasant. She said she had a great time with the kids, I said I was glad and I saw some progress, all she said was yes. Seems strange, but you never know. I told her the neighbors were sorry they didn't get to say goodbye, she said she would talk to them when she came home in Feb. Discussed Christmas shopping, and cash flow, she will finish next week. She is also looking at coming home for MLK weekend as it is a 3 day weekend.

That's it for now. Comments always welcome.

Chuck

Just remembered, during our R discussion Saturday I said I thought that her turning point was when she kept after me about staying in the AF another year, I told her that if she did it was a deal breaker, she asked what that meant and if it meant she needed a lawyer, I said yes. This happened in June or July, I don't remember the exact date, but it was right after she found out she didn't get promoted. When I brought this up she said yes it was a major turning point and had hurt her deeply. I asked her why she didn't try to talk about it then and try to negotiate a deal, she said she was so afraid she didn't want to discuss it. I said I was having a very abd week, the kids were about to kill each other and then she brought up the stay seperated to get promoted thing and I just went over the top, also told her I thought I ahd been depressed for a couple of years. She said she thought the same thing as things weren't getting done around the house (an observation she made while home on leave) also the stress of looking for a new job and then taking the job here in AL, making the move by myself etc... After this conv she started to change her attitude.

She also told me all of her defenses were down and later told me she was feeling her Love Bank receiving deposits and withdrawls and trying very hard to limit withdrawls. She also said when her Love Bank was half full we would be having a very serious talk.

Do you think this was a good thing or bad?

Sorry for not posting for a while.

Last Thursday was a very good day all went well. Friday she hit one of my triggers and all went down the tubes. We exchanged emails and she started responding. She also has been trying to call me at work during the day, between patients. All good. She opened up during the email exchanges and we were able to get a few things squared away.

She has come to the conclusion that what she was trying was not working and causing me pain and decided to try the MB way (my way) she seems happier. She also said she is thru punishing me, but still doesn't understand why I feel punished. I asked her to put her rings back on her ring finger, she did, I asked her where the family, I and our M stood in her priority list as her actions did not match her words. Now her actions show we are at the top, still competing with the AF for #1, but running neck and neck.

She is looking forward to our Christmas visit and working M in person with me, reading LB's. I asked about the ILYs as I had looked at previous emails and why they stopped so abruptly, she said she was confused and didn't want to confuse me anymore than she already had. I said I would like her to start ILY again and get back into the habit, again she said OK.

SF over Thanksgiving was miserable, I asked why as we had always enjoyed it, I also asked if she felt she was betraying OM, she said yes, I couldn't help but laugh and say "How F'd up is that? You betrayed me with him, he has a GF, took advantage of you, tried to break up our M, and you are trying to be loyal to him? Think about what you just said, do you see how screwed up that is? I have known you 20+ years, been married to you 17.5 years, have a marriage license, have been loyal to you for almost 4yrs while you were away in the AF, have done a great job (her words not mine) raising our children in your absence, and you tell me this. Have you lost your mind?" She then said she was sorry, obviously her approach wasn't working (hedging her bets in my opinion, thinking after an undetermined amount of time if things weren't better she would go abck to OKC to OM) and she needed to try something different. I said "as I have told you before, in order for you to see any results you must be focused on the task at hand, without distractions, ie... hedging your bets, put forth a maximum effort. She said she will work on me, put forth 110%, let her feelings ride for a while and see how that works. So far she seems much happier, more pleasant to talk to, has stated again that I am making deposits, and if she feels that I am going to make a withdrawl trying to block it and build more deposits. She is much more positive and when I asked her to do an NC letter she actually said she would consider it while we are there for Christmas.

She aslo told me I knew what she wanted (D), I told her I dont do D, but I do do MB and rebuilding M and Family. I will not discuss D period. She was a little stunned to say the least and I then asked her to work on improving her attitude as she has always been a very positive person, and since A she has been so negative. She said she would and I have already seen results.

All very surprising, but I am still cautious and keeping a wait and see attitude (actions rather than words, her request), but so far her actions are bearing up to her words. The true test will be the next 2 weeks.

She is also lurking occaisionally and is considering posting in the near future.

Sorry this is so long, butI had to get to a good place before I could post this.

Thank you all Mel, Orchid, MM, Fh and others for helping me through this.

Please continue to post to me and offer your very wise and sage advice. All of you are great! Again Thank you!

Chuck AKA Eagle15

Bum for Mel, Orchid, Mortarman

Well, the holidays went well, but now, this morning she has stated divorce is the only option. I thought things were progressing and some progress was shown. Obviously she duped me into spending the holiodays with her so she could see the kids. Now she says her only option is divorce. I can't take this any more!

Eagle,

Do you have any idea why this has occurred? Did something happen during your visit there? I guess OM has contacted her again hasn't he?

Make sure you explain to your lawyer you are entitled to 1/2 of 17.5/20 of her retirement. That will wake her up. I guess this also means you will have full custody of the children as well since you have been rearing them on your own for the last 4 years.

I don't think this is over, but I do think the A is still in play.

God Bless,

JL

Yes, I suspect there is contact again.

If she's on Tinker AFB, she's military or under military supervision. Why aren't you taking advantage of the Air Force's higher code of ethics regarding adultery? Have you exposed to her commander?

It's no use, I'm done. I have nothing left to give.

Thank you for all of your support during these past few months. You have all been of great help. My WW has given up and so have I. I can't reach her on phone, her 1st sgt supports her endeavors, I have no one to talk to, I am done.

Outflank the 1/Sgt. Contact her commander directly or go to the Inspector General. Failing that, call the base Chaplain. Expose this to those offices and they have no option but to take action.

What about Plan B? You should at least try it before totally giving up. But if you feel you have nothing left to give, I understand. And I support you in whatever you finally decide to do.

Regardless of what happens, remember that God is with you in this.

The Sq CC and the Group CC are aware. Noting has been done.

Now she is using MB principle against me. She has started reading the workbook and has been trying to bury me with it all day. I told her it was written from the perspective of rebuilding the M, but she is using it to press for D.

Help!

Eagle15,

Just curious... What MB principles is she using against you and how is she interpreting them?