Ive posted several times on here in the past about my situation. Just a short enlightment, my H cheated on me with a co-worker and one of those times were when I thought we were in recovery. He claims he has been angry with me for sometime and cant seem to get over the anger. Ive always been faithful to him, although I found myself at one time engaging in a EA, so its obvious neither one of us has been totally happy in atleast the last 5yrs.

Anyway Im at the point where I want to leave him because I don't feel secure that he will ever change. The OW sent me an email where my H was telling her that financially I could hurt him if he left me now (she had threatened to tell me). He said to her that he loves her and dont want me but just wants to get out of the M with joint custody of our child. He has lied to me so much where this OW is concerned over the last year. When confronted about the email he says he was angry at me still for mistreating him in the past but wants this M. Say's his anger lead him to believe that he wanted to leave and be with her. I always knew that she was still in the picture but he continued to lie. And as time has gone on, Im still discovering the lies...little by little. I love my H and feel that he is my soul mate (?) and would never do to him what he has done to me. I dont want to leave him/I want him to change. He now says that he is prepared to give me all of him but just wants us to be the way we were years ago.

I understand his anger and I hear his cry's but his behavior is just not justifiable. We have always been big christians and those who know us are shocked to see what is happening to us. He confessed to all, including our pastor and first lady, but went right back and did it again. Say's his anger just overwhelmes him. Say's that he can't fix his M so SHE is how he deals with it. Say's he has no intention on leaving home although in his email he tells her 'he has full intentions on being with her'.

I could go on and on but Im not. Bottom line is that I need help figuring this out or Im leaving him for good. Im sick of him inviting her to his pity party then coming home treating me cold and non-existent or calling home telling me 'honey, I messed up again and im sorry'. Why should I stay?

The bottom line is that he has to change. He has to grow and mature. You understand that he needs to change, he understands that he needs to change...but it doesn't seem like you or him are doing anything to bring about the change.

He isn't going to change unless he takes steps to change--which means that he and you need to go to MC. He probably needs to go to IC.

My advice:

(1) Take him back on the following conditions: (a) You start MC immediately and (b) NC with OW. Tell him if he doesn't, then you are going to do "Plan B". Also, make the possibility of divorce "real" for him--discuss child support, living arrangements, mortgage payments, visitation. He is living in a dream world. Time to wake him up.

(2) If he doesn't do either (a) or (b), then immediately go to Plan B.

Gee, I was looking at your signature:

FWS
Married: 1976 AS: 1991
D-Day: 1992 AE: 1993
Still married

Nice to get advice from such a wise person. It's truly good advice, but im so tired. We've try'd MC & IC but somehow he talked me out of completing them and 3 sessions later I fail for it. The fact that we have a kid concerns me, which is what also keeps me here along with the fact that I am a stay-home mom, no money and he has given us a beautiful lifestyle that my son was born into. I couldnt possibly give him all of this (sighing)> I dont have a problem working because Iv'e established a career for myself and a high profile but then I wouldnt be able to give my kid the one on one attention that that we both so deserve.

A mother's love

Dear Kenda,
Unfortuanately when w/s are still involved in contact with o/w, their words cannot be trusted. W/S in contact, lie, lie, and lie.
I don't know if I would recommend going to Plan B before you have had a chance to do Plan A. Which is part carrot/part stick.
You first have to give him something to miss before excuting Plan B and going dark.

Keep on listening, some of the more experienced members will help you out with a plan.

Have you exposed to family, friends and his workplace since that is where the affair started?

not only have i exposed. He openly confessed by calling and telling everyone. His boss also knows too. I think everyone feels sorry for him because he's willing to hold on to the M and doesnt want a D, atleast thats what he say's.

This is good that he has openly said to people at work that he doesn't want the divorce and wants the marriage.
That gives you hope.
Have you done the carrot part of Plan A????

You need boundries, regardless of whether you are in Plan A or Plan B.
Part of Plan A is that w/h needs to get a new job if the affair was started with a co-worker and they both still work at the same job.

It is going to be hard not to have contact with both working at the same place.

Dr. Harley goes as even far as saying that the w/s and b/s should move to another state. That might be difficult to do, but your husband getting another job is definately do-able.